I haven't posted a blog entry in forever... I think it's time to start again. For me of course, if anyone is reading this, then great (and always pray for me), but this is for me at the moment.
It's been a crazy time this year... Elisha was born 3 September and that little guy certainly changed my life.
Right now, I'm stationed in Korea (Seoul) for two years. Vicki should be here before too long, another week or so hopefully. I'm going so crazy without them.
I've fallen back into my old ways with my addiction to pornography. That's the craziest thing... I can relate to Paul when he said "... for I am two men.".
That's me... I take full responsibility, but this is so absolutely crazily hard to get past. I will look at things and do things, and immediately once my flesh is gratified, conviction will hit me like a sledgehammer. It does as I'm being tempted, and I fight to varying degrees at varying times, but I always seem to make the wrong decision (and I know it's me making the decision; flesh or devil or both, the devil doesn't 'make' me do it.).
What hurts worst is how I hurt Vicki. Glory be to God she's so patient, and forgiving with me. God has given me a truly wonderous relationship where I've been able to be completely transparent with her about this, and being separated from her these six weeks have shown me how valuable she is to me as my best friend, my best accountability partner, and all that she does for me.
This thing has such a hold on me... I don't feel any hope as far as beating this. I know what the Word says... I've been set free... I believe that (read: I have unbelief), yet can't seem to walk in that.
I'm just a mess... I overanalyze everything, I get self-condemnation like crazy (like now?
).
I sometimes really fear that this is going to cost me my salvation, but then i realize God knew I would do this when he forgave me. I do know that I tread on his grace and take it for granted so much.
That's my battle for now... and I am sure it will be for the rest of my life, but I would at least like to get to the place where I'm standing on top of it rather than the other way around.
Enough of that though... I can't wait to see Eli. He's 13 weeks or so now, and rolling over. I feel like i'm missing everything, but I'll see him soon. I'm not going to be able to contain myself or set him down. We'll see how things go though.
Not a bad day all in all though. Peace.
It's been a crazy time this year... Elisha was born 3 September and that little guy certainly changed my life.
Right now, I'm stationed in Korea (Seoul) for two years. Vicki should be here before too long, another week or so hopefully. I'm going so crazy without them.
I've fallen back into my old ways with my addiction to pornography. That's the craziest thing... I can relate to Paul when he said "... for I am two men.".
That's me... I take full responsibility, but this is so absolutely crazily hard to get past. I will look at things and do things, and immediately once my flesh is gratified, conviction will hit me like a sledgehammer. It does as I'm being tempted, and I fight to varying degrees at varying times, but I always seem to make the wrong decision (and I know it's me making the decision; flesh or devil or both, the devil doesn't 'make' me do it.).
What hurts worst is how I hurt Vicki. Glory be to God she's so patient, and forgiving with me. God has given me a truly wonderous relationship where I've been able to be completely transparent with her about this, and being separated from her these six weeks have shown me how valuable she is to me as my best friend, my best accountability partner, and all that she does for me.
This thing has such a hold on me... I don't feel any hope as far as beating this. I know what the Word says... I've been set free... I believe that (read: I have unbelief), yet can't seem to walk in that.
I'm just a mess... I overanalyze everything, I get self-condemnation like crazy (like now?
). I sometimes really fear that this is going to cost me my salvation, but then i realize God knew I would do this when he forgave me. I do know that I tread on his grace and take it for granted so much.
That's my battle for now... and I am sure it will be for the rest of my life, but I would at least like to get to the place where I'm standing on top of it rather than the other way around.
Enough of that though... I can't wait to see Eli. He's 13 weeks or so now, and rolling over. I feel like i'm missing everything, but I'll see him soon. I'm not going to be able to contain myself or set him down. We'll see how things go though.
Not a bad day all in all though. Peace.
