Greatly in need of a friend in christ

PLEASE can someone read my first blog and inform me is this gods will ? Should I keep contact and suffer and deteriorate silently for god, or should I free from these chains of mental bondage, it's really putting a strain on my faith and trust in God. Which in turn leaves me feeling suicidal, lost, and condemned. I don't know if demons are playing with my mind or if God is correcting me to inform me it's okay. I feel trapped and they trespass against me openly and in secret. Or maybe they just don't care, I don't know who to trust and I doubt myself. Someone with God's guidance help please.