Recently, I got the bad news that my dog, Cigar, was very sick. He was 12 years old and other then starting to have trouble walking, he was pretty healthy. The day I received the bad news, I was pretty upset. I didn't know how bad it was, but didn’t want to underestimate his condition. I contemplated all day if I should go home to see him. Finally, for some reason, I felt that I had to go home to say my final goodbyes to Cigar. I started on the two and a half hour drive home, listening to Christian music the whole way. I was feeling good, and happy that I was going home to see the dog that I grew up with.
As soon as I arrived home and saw Cigar, I knew it was bad. He was a lot worse than I thought. I looked at my dad and told him that I knew he wasn’t going to last past the weekend. I really felt that he wouldn’t make it through the night. He hadn’t had any food or water for awhile, and couldn’t take his pain medicine.
It was as if it wasn’t even him anymore. He was just lying on the floor unable to move and had a blank stare, but he still didn’t look like an old dog. He wasn’t skinny and only had a few gray hairs. I couldn’t help but think that this was all happening too soon. I felt like he should have at least a couple more years in him. We think he got sick so fast because of a lump on his stomach that grew extremely fast in ten days and started bleeding. He was going to have it removed very soon.
It was very hard being home. If I wasn’t with Cigar I worried about him, but when I was around him it was hard to watch him in pain. He started to make strange noises, so I finally decided to go stay with him and not leave his side. It was painful watching him try to move and sit up when he couldn’t. I tried to pour some water into his mouth for him to drink but it just poured right out the other side. I kept watching his stomach as he breathed, anticipating every breath to be his last. I started to pray to God for him to take his pain away and to not let him be scared. I asked God to take him to heaven because I couldn’t bear to see him in that much agony.
I knew that me being there with him made him feel better and safe. After sitting with him for about two hours, he started to try to bark but it came out as a cry. He was in pain. Seeing this tore me up. My dad heard him and came to see him. He rubbed his belly and told him to go to sleep. My heart was breaking. Cigar didn’t deserve to be in that much pain. I constantly petted him and held his paw hoping it would relieve some of his pain. I didn’t want to leave him alone but I was so tired. I decided to sleep on the couch next to him.
My dad headed upstairs to go to bed around 1 a.m. At that point I was getting pretty tired but stayed up watching TV next to Cigar. When I was younger, Cigar would sleep on my bed with me right next to me. He had always been there for me and now it was time for me to be there for him.
He finally stopped crying and I was ready to try and get some sleep. Before I did, I whispered in his ear that everything was going to be ok. I told him to not be afraid and that he was going to a great place where he’d see my uncle Kelly, my Tata (grandma), and our pet cat Tiffany. I told him to tell them hi for me and that I too would see him again one day. I let him know that it was ok to let go and to do so when he was ready. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him I love him. I knew he wasn’t going to make it through the night.
I fell asleep around 1:20 and suddenly woke up at 1:50. I didn’t know why I woke up but I instantly knew that Cigar was gone. I quickly looked at his stomach and it wasn’t moving anymore. I jumped off the couch and looked at his face. He had that same blank stare and his mouth was partially open. He wasn’t making any noises anymore. For some reason I put my hand on his chest and felt a heartbeat. I was really surprised at first but kept my hand there. His heartbeat gradually stopped.
I should mention here that I’ve always had a thing about heartbeats. There is just something about them that fascinates me. I love to listen to my boyfriend, Zack’s, heartbeat and I love to see his pulse beating on his neck. I guess I like it because it lets me know that person is still here with me.
As soon as his heart stopped beating, I started to cry. But I wasn’t just sad. I was also happy because I knew he wasn’t in pain anymore and was in heaven. I also felt a feeling I had never felt before. I knew God was there. I know He woke me up when Cigar was dying and I know he told me to go home to see him and to tell him to not be afraid to let go. I know he kept his heart beating just long enough for me to feel it and know that Cigar was no longer with me but with him now. It was an amazing feeling. I still get goose bumps every time I think about it.
I’ve never understood people when they say God told them to do something or when they feel God with them. I’ve always been really jealous when people tell me these things because I wanted to experience them. My relationship with God has always been pretty good but just recently I’ve felt it get stronger. I started to talk to him everyday, read the bible, watch church every Sunday online, and I’m trying to start up a bible study. As soon as Cigar passed away though, I felt extremely close to God. I knew that our relationship from that point on will never be the same and has changed for the better.
As soon as I started to cry, I started to thank God for taking him and answering my prayers. Shortly after, I became scared. I didn’t know what to do. My dog was now lifeless right next to me. I didn’t know if I should go wake up my dad or just wait until morning when he woke up. I decided to wait till morning and to stay on the couch to have my last night with Cigar lying next to me just like we use to sleep. It was hard seeing him that way but there was also a peace about him. It wasn’t him anymore because his soul was gone, it was just his body.
I tried to get some sleep that night but I couldn’t because I was worried about my dad coming downstairs and finding Cigar and not being prepared to find him gone. So I ended up staying up all night. Around eight I heard my dad coming down the stairs. I was so scared. I didn’t know how to tell him. When he saw me, he knew I was upset. He asked how he was and I muttered the words, “He didn’t make it.” My dad instantly looked devastated. He walked over to him and rubbed his belly and said, “He’s better now.” My dad patted my shoulder. This was his way of letting me know everything was going to be okay and that he was sorry. I then went up stairs to shower to give him some alone time with Cigar.
We decided to bury Cigar by a canal where my dad would walk him when they would go on their walks. We buried him with his favorite blanket and said our goodbyes. It was a sad moment but at the same time we were happy for him.
The drive back to Orlando that day was really rough. I held Cigar’s collar as I tried to hold back my tears so that I could drive. It was as if it was finally hitting me that he was gone. I got home and cried to Zack as I told him everything that happened. He comforted me and made me feel a little better. I then asked him to find me a verse in the bible about heaven. I knew that if I knew a little bit about where Cigar was now, that would make me feel better. He pointed out Revelation 21. My favorite verse was 21:4, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes and their will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” This verse made me feel so much better. I’ve always been really afraid of death and unsure about what exactly heaven is. Now I’m comfortable with dying and know that when my day comes, I’ll have nothing to fear.
I now truly believe that everything is really in God’s hands and he has complete control. Before this happened, I tried to tell myself during times of stress that everything would be okay and that everything was in God’s hands. But for some reason I still felt stressed. Zack told me one time that I had to actually believe what I was telling myself. And now I finally do. I realize now that I don’t have control over anything and that is okay. And it’s also nice to know that the little things that happen to me while I’m on this earth don’t really matter unless I’m doing them for God. It feels good to now know that the only thing that matters in my life before heaven is to work for God to get my ticket into those golden gates.
Overall, this experience has been life changing. I am so grateful that Cigar’s pain didn’t last long. I don’t think I would change anything about how it all happened. I wish he wasn’t in so much pain and I wish I was more prepared for him to die, but I’m just glad the pain didn’t go on for a long time. Cigar was my best friend and the best dog anyone could ask for. I know God dropped him off in my neighborhood for us to adopt him into our home and for him to one day pass away to change my life for the better.
So in the end I didn’t lose a best friend, I gained a best friend. I can’t wait to see you again Cigar. And God, I’ll be seeing you too =)
As soon as I arrived home and saw Cigar, I knew it was bad. He was a lot worse than I thought. I looked at my dad and told him that I knew he wasn’t going to last past the weekend. I really felt that he wouldn’t make it through the night. He hadn’t had any food or water for awhile, and couldn’t take his pain medicine.
It was as if it wasn’t even him anymore. He was just lying on the floor unable to move and had a blank stare, but he still didn’t look like an old dog. He wasn’t skinny and only had a few gray hairs. I couldn’t help but think that this was all happening too soon. I felt like he should have at least a couple more years in him. We think he got sick so fast because of a lump on his stomach that grew extremely fast in ten days and started bleeding. He was going to have it removed very soon.
It was very hard being home. If I wasn’t with Cigar I worried about him, but when I was around him it was hard to watch him in pain. He started to make strange noises, so I finally decided to go stay with him and not leave his side. It was painful watching him try to move and sit up when he couldn’t. I tried to pour some water into his mouth for him to drink but it just poured right out the other side. I kept watching his stomach as he breathed, anticipating every breath to be his last. I started to pray to God for him to take his pain away and to not let him be scared. I asked God to take him to heaven because I couldn’t bear to see him in that much agony.
I knew that me being there with him made him feel better and safe. After sitting with him for about two hours, he started to try to bark but it came out as a cry. He was in pain. Seeing this tore me up. My dad heard him and came to see him. He rubbed his belly and told him to go to sleep. My heart was breaking. Cigar didn’t deserve to be in that much pain. I constantly petted him and held his paw hoping it would relieve some of his pain. I didn’t want to leave him alone but I was so tired. I decided to sleep on the couch next to him.
My dad headed upstairs to go to bed around 1 a.m. At that point I was getting pretty tired but stayed up watching TV next to Cigar. When I was younger, Cigar would sleep on my bed with me right next to me. He had always been there for me and now it was time for me to be there for him.
He finally stopped crying and I was ready to try and get some sleep. Before I did, I whispered in his ear that everything was going to be ok. I told him to not be afraid and that he was going to a great place where he’d see my uncle Kelly, my Tata (grandma), and our pet cat Tiffany. I told him to tell them hi for me and that I too would see him again one day. I let him know that it was ok to let go and to do so when he was ready. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him I love him. I knew he wasn’t going to make it through the night.
I fell asleep around 1:20 and suddenly woke up at 1:50. I didn’t know why I woke up but I instantly knew that Cigar was gone. I quickly looked at his stomach and it wasn’t moving anymore. I jumped off the couch and looked at his face. He had that same blank stare and his mouth was partially open. He wasn’t making any noises anymore. For some reason I put my hand on his chest and felt a heartbeat. I was really surprised at first but kept my hand there. His heartbeat gradually stopped.
I should mention here that I’ve always had a thing about heartbeats. There is just something about them that fascinates me. I love to listen to my boyfriend, Zack’s, heartbeat and I love to see his pulse beating on his neck. I guess I like it because it lets me know that person is still here with me.
As soon as his heart stopped beating, I started to cry. But I wasn’t just sad. I was also happy because I knew he wasn’t in pain anymore and was in heaven. I also felt a feeling I had never felt before. I knew God was there. I know He woke me up when Cigar was dying and I know he told me to go home to see him and to tell him to not be afraid to let go. I know he kept his heart beating just long enough for me to feel it and know that Cigar was no longer with me but with him now. It was an amazing feeling. I still get goose bumps every time I think about it.
I’ve never understood people when they say God told them to do something or when they feel God with them. I’ve always been really jealous when people tell me these things because I wanted to experience them. My relationship with God has always been pretty good but just recently I’ve felt it get stronger. I started to talk to him everyday, read the bible, watch church every Sunday online, and I’m trying to start up a bible study. As soon as Cigar passed away though, I felt extremely close to God. I knew that our relationship from that point on will never be the same and has changed for the better.
As soon as I started to cry, I started to thank God for taking him and answering my prayers. Shortly after, I became scared. I didn’t know what to do. My dog was now lifeless right next to me. I didn’t know if I should go wake up my dad or just wait until morning when he woke up. I decided to wait till morning and to stay on the couch to have my last night with Cigar lying next to me just like we use to sleep. It was hard seeing him that way but there was also a peace about him. It wasn’t him anymore because his soul was gone, it was just his body.
I tried to get some sleep that night but I couldn’t because I was worried about my dad coming downstairs and finding Cigar and not being prepared to find him gone. So I ended up staying up all night. Around eight I heard my dad coming down the stairs. I was so scared. I didn’t know how to tell him. When he saw me, he knew I was upset. He asked how he was and I muttered the words, “He didn’t make it.” My dad instantly looked devastated. He walked over to him and rubbed his belly and said, “He’s better now.” My dad patted my shoulder. This was his way of letting me know everything was going to be okay and that he was sorry. I then went up stairs to shower to give him some alone time with Cigar.
We decided to bury Cigar by a canal where my dad would walk him when they would go on their walks. We buried him with his favorite blanket and said our goodbyes. It was a sad moment but at the same time we were happy for him.
The drive back to Orlando that day was really rough. I held Cigar’s collar as I tried to hold back my tears so that I could drive. It was as if it was finally hitting me that he was gone. I got home and cried to Zack as I told him everything that happened. He comforted me and made me feel a little better. I then asked him to find me a verse in the bible about heaven. I knew that if I knew a little bit about where Cigar was now, that would make me feel better. He pointed out Revelation 21. My favorite verse was 21:4, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes and their will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” This verse made me feel so much better. I’ve always been really afraid of death and unsure about what exactly heaven is. Now I’m comfortable with dying and know that when my day comes, I’ll have nothing to fear.
I now truly believe that everything is really in God’s hands and he has complete control. Before this happened, I tried to tell myself during times of stress that everything would be okay and that everything was in God’s hands. But for some reason I still felt stressed. Zack told me one time that I had to actually believe what I was telling myself. And now I finally do. I realize now that I don’t have control over anything and that is okay. And it’s also nice to know that the little things that happen to me while I’m on this earth don’t really matter unless I’m doing them for God. It feels good to now know that the only thing that matters in my life before heaven is to work for God to get my ticket into those golden gates.
Overall, this experience has been life changing. I am so grateful that Cigar’s pain didn’t last long. I don’t think I would change anything about how it all happened. I wish he wasn’t in so much pain and I wish I was more prepared for him to die, but I’m just glad the pain didn’t go on for a long time. Cigar was my best friend and the best dog anyone could ask for. I know God dropped him off in my neighborhood for us to adopt him into our home and for him to one day pass away to change my life for the better.
So in the end I didn’t lose a best friend, I gained a best friend. I can’t wait to see you again Cigar. And God, I’ll be seeing you too =)
