I have talked to God for as long as I can remember. Pretty much non-stop. Lots of run-on sentences, half sentences, sentences consisting of only one word (like "help"), or maybe two words ("God help!!"). I've talked to God in sobs with pain too deep for words. I talk to God like other people talk to themselves. In fact, I don't think I've ever really talked to myself. My words, my tears, my joy, my pain....it's all directed upward.
The path God has placed me on isn't one I'd choose for myself. Or maybe I did choose.... by making huge mistakes and unwise choices, by getting off onto a road where God wasn't and running as fast as I could. Maybe God's just trying to clean up the wreckage I've left behind, and working to smooth out all the tangles still ahead. We truly can be our own worst enemies.
I'm a single mom of two miraculous children, two big silly dogs, and apparently also mom to about five neighborhood cats who know the cat that does belong here shares his food.
In the last three years of my life I have: moved three times; fell in love; got engaged; went thru the following devastating breakup; lost my dog who was my best friend; lost my older brother unexpectedly; lost my older sister after a long illness; almost lost my mom to heartbreak; lost all my savings; lost my car; lost my license; lost my professional license; lost my job; lost some close friends whom I loved and trusted; and - shocking everyone and anyone who knows me I got a DUI, was in an almost-fatal car accident. This DUI caused me to lose my job and professional license. It also made for a horrible year of court appearances, legal storms, the loss of my life as I knew it, and it landed me in jail. I'd only had a couple of speeding tickets till this, never been arrested, never been fingerprinted, never been through anything like this. This caused me to lose my job, which I truly loved and desperately needed. I lost my unemployment December 28, 2013, and I lost my home on February 19, 2014. I had to put everything I own in storage and move in with a family member. When this happened, I lost my kids. They had to move in with their dad, there is no room for them in the house I moved into. The first night I spent not in my home with my kids I felt so utterly defeated, so tired, and so hurt by God. I'd truly trusted God to protect our home - it was all I had left. Surely God wouldn't make me go through losing my home AND my kids, surely not my kids. But I lost my kids.
Who am I praying to again??
It's not been a great phase of life lately. But God has shown me, with ultimate patience and love, that what I always labeled faith was, in fact, nothing. Nothing substantial, nothing real.
Once I truly hit the bottom of this pit I'm in I began to realize that faith is only true when there are no answers, no solutions, no directions, no road signs, no street lights.
You cannot possibly have true faith without utter darkness. You can try, but the faith that comes easily and without pain and fear is flimsy, weak, and fickle.
We're all on a journey, and they are all different journeys with different turns and obstacles and destinations. Whether you know it or not, whether you like it or not, whether you believe it or not makes absolutely no difference. Even if you don't believe in your journey, it lies before you. Whether you believe God exists or not, God knows you do. You have not, can not, will not ever escape his eye. You cannot hide.
I've definitely taken the scenic route, and the scenery hasn't been all wonderful. In fact, the scenery is wilderness. Vast, empty, lonely wilderness.
God puts us all on a journey.
This is mine.
The path God has placed me on isn't one I'd choose for myself. Or maybe I did choose.... by making huge mistakes and unwise choices, by getting off onto a road where God wasn't and running as fast as I could. Maybe God's just trying to clean up the wreckage I've left behind, and working to smooth out all the tangles still ahead. We truly can be our own worst enemies.
I'm a single mom of two miraculous children, two big silly dogs, and apparently also mom to about five neighborhood cats who know the cat that does belong here shares his food.
In the last three years of my life I have: moved three times; fell in love; got engaged; went thru the following devastating breakup; lost my dog who was my best friend; lost my older brother unexpectedly; lost my older sister after a long illness; almost lost my mom to heartbreak; lost all my savings; lost my car; lost my license; lost my professional license; lost my job; lost some close friends whom I loved and trusted; and - shocking everyone and anyone who knows me I got a DUI, was in an almost-fatal car accident. This DUI caused me to lose my job and professional license. It also made for a horrible year of court appearances, legal storms, the loss of my life as I knew it, and it landed me in jail. I'd only had a couple of speeding tickets till this, never been arrested, never been fingerprinted, never been through anything like this. This caused me to lose my job, which I truly loved and desperately needed. I lost my unemployment December 28, 2013, and I lost my home on February 19, 2014. I had to put everything I own in storage and move in with a family member. When this happened, I lost my kids. They had to move in with their dad, there is no room for them in the house I moved into. The first night I spent not in my home with my kids I felt so utterly defeated, so tired, and so hurt by God. I'd truly trusted God to protect our home - it was all I had left. Surely God wouldn't make me go through losing my home AND my kids, surely not my kids. But I lost my kids.
Who am I praying to again??
It's not been a great phase of life lately. But God has shown me, with ultimate patience and love, that what I always labeled faith was, in fact, nothing. Nothing substantial, nothing real.
Once I truly hit the bottom of this pit I'm in I began to realize that faith is only true when there are no answers, no solutions, no directions, no road signs, no street lights.
You cannot possibly have true faith without utter darkness. You can try, but the faith that comes easily and without pain and fear is flimsy, weak, and fickle.
We're all on a journey, and they are all different journeys with different turns and obstacles and destinations. Whether you know it or not, whether you like it or not, whether you believe it or not makes absolutely no difference. Even if you don't believe in your journey, it lies before you. Whether you believe God exists or not, God knows you do. You have not, can not, will not ever escape his eye. You cannot hide.
I've definitely taken the scenic route, and the scenery hasn't been all wonderful. In fact, the scenery is wilderness. Vast, empty, lonely wilderness.
God puts us all on a journey.
This is mine.
