Frustration
I would say that I am the cause of my greatest frustration in living out my monastic life. It is a human struggle of course, and I am certainly not alone in dealing with life and how I react to it. I suppose most of us are a wild combination of chaos and order. I don’t have wild extremes, yet my own inner non-equilibrium has been an ongoing struggle.
I sense grace and growth at work in my life, and at the same time I am becoming more aware of how I fight the inner healing that I seek. Through God’s grace and kindness, I find my heart expanding, and then, I run from the deep intimacy that God is calling me to. Three steps forward, and two step back.
My frustration is my own lack of discipline when it comes to facing my inner chaos. Fear holds me back; it is the trust that I feel that is growing in my soul that keeps me going. Trust is a choice, watered by grace. Trust in God’s love for me helps to lessen the harm my inner scattering could cause me.
In my messiness I find God’s love. Any gift I have is given to me, not from my own initiative. Without God’s affirming grace, I would be a complete mess. So, I just seek to grow a little each day, and try to not get discouraged when I fall more than seven times a day.
Life is a dance, some days are a waltz, others a heavy metal kind of affair, so I am slowly learning my inner place of peace, which is in the Heart of Christ Jesus. He may let me be wounded by my own weakness, but the wounds I find over time are al help to grow in trust.
Higer up and deeper in as CS Lewis says.-Br.MD
