Well this is first blog i've done on here, wont make it hugely long. its been a rough weekend, well rough week really. i've been really struggling with my moods they've been all over the place, eventually getting me admitted to crisis unit towards the end of last week when i wasn't able to handle it anymore. its effecting everything, how i am with my mates, how i am on my own it making my eating (or lack of) even worse because i'm majorally stressing about simple stupid things.
The staff at unit have been fab i've screamed the place down, i've cried for hours i've sat in silence and i've talked them to death, so yeah pretty much all over the place. i hate it when i'm like this and i don't know how i am one minute from the next, its not good because then i end up agitated and all over the place.
I managed to persuade the doc though (with the help of staff and crisis team) to give me something to help me sleep, as that was just adding to everything, i don't sleep fantastically well anyway and when you've not slept for about a week, and your running of fresh air which is slowly running out its not good. and then to top it of i started with more psychotic symptoms!! just what i didn't need.
i'm currently waiting to find out what all my team want to do, are they going to re admit me to psych ward, send me to ED unit, try keep me in the community (which isn't looking like an option at the minute) or what i really don't know. i don't want to go into hospital, any sort of hospital i hate them i've spent way too much time there the past few years, and i know full well what they'll do they'll admit me and then they'll detain me while i'm there so that i cant leave.
But hey i've got to be ok, because i'm always the one thats ok. i've got to be there for everyone else thats what i do i look after everyone. i can handle others and when they're struggling with something but when it comes to me i cant do it!!!!!
and then i'm on pins at the minute because i don't know what's happening with my step-dad and his parole hearing, its freaking me out to think the person that made me how i am, the person that took away my childhood, who ruined the person i was who messed my head up so so much that i hate me and cant trust anyone, who cant sleep in the dark and who freaks at silly things............. could be out of prison in less then 3 weeks time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even if he doesn't get it, which i'm really really hoping he wont he's only got just under a year of his sentence left!!!!!! and he wants to come back here, it scares the s**t out of me, i'm constantly seeing him, i cant look in the mirror (not that i could n e way) i freak out thinking he's stood outside my flat and he's still in prison how am i meant to cope when he does come out. yeah the police, probation social services are being fantastic i've hounded them so much recently with all the worrying i've been doing asking what's going to happen what they're going to do and what safety stuff is going to be in place for me. And i do appreciate it i really truly do but its really not reassuring me, at all, i wish it was i do but its not and i don't like it. i tried to grab hold of something that would make me feel a bit better but it's not happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok i'll shush now think thats enough for now
The staff at unit have been fab i've screamed the place down, i've cried for hours i've sat in silence and i've talked them to death, so yeah pretty much all over the place. i hate it when i'm like this and i don't know how i am one minute from the next, its not good because then i end up agitated and all over the place.
I managed to persuade the doc though (with the help of staff and crisis team) to give me something to help me sleep, as that was just adding to everything, i don't sleep fantastically well anyway and when you've not slept for about a week, and your running of fresh air which is slowly running out its not good. and then to top it of i started with more psychotic symptoms!! just what i didn't need.
i'm currently waiting to find out what all my team want to do, are they going to re admit me to psych ward, send me to ED unit, try keep me in the community (which isn't looking like an option at the minute) or what i really don't know. i don't want to go into hospital, any sort of hospital i hate them i've spent way too much time there the past few years, and i know full well what they'll do they'll admit me and then they'll detain me while i'm there so that i cant leave.
But hey i've got to be ok, because i'm always the one thats ok. i've got to be there for everyone else thats what i do i look after everyone. i can handle others and when they're struggling with something but when it comes to me i cant do it!!!!!
and then i'm on pins at the minute because i don't know what's happening with my step-dad and his parole hearing, its freaking me out to think the person that made me how i am, the person that took away my childhood, who ruined the person i was who messed my head up so so much that i hate me and cant trust anyone, who cant sleep in the dark and who freaks at silly things............. could be out of prison in less then 3 weeks time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even if he doesn't get it, which i'm really really hoping he wont he's only got just under a year of his sentence left!!!!!! and he wants to come back here, it scares the s**t out of me, i'm constantly seeing him, i cant look in the mirror (not that i could n e way) i freak out thinking he's stood outside my flat and he's still in prison how am i meant to cope when he does come out. yeah the police, probation social services are being fantastic i've hounded them so much recently with all the worrying i've been doing asking what's going to happen what they're going to do and what safety stuff is going to be in place for me. And i do appreciate it i really truly do but its really not reassuring me, at all, i wish it was i do but its not and i don't like it. i tried to grab hold of something that would make me feel a bit better but it's not happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok i'll shush now think thats enough for now
