I'm new. I've posted in the newbie forum and will C&P my story here.
"I'll get down to the nitty-gritty. A year and a half ago, I started to lose control of my life. My Grandmother was dying. She was my world. Everyone around me all of a sudden needed the best of me during this hard time; my husband took a job North and left me to raise our kids alone, friends getting married/having babies needed me, my mother who was taking her own mother's death so hard. I had also at the time taken on a course, started a new pt job and was trying to complete our second adoption. It was too much.
I was drinking every night by summer. Secretly too so no one would know it's how I coped with my days. Months that followed were filled with hiding money, sneaking to the store and lying to cover everything up. I gained weight, my skin turned red and I stopped sleeping. Cranky. Impatient. Bad mom. I let my guilt drive me farther into it and I pushed my Lord away. I felt unclean and unable to accept his forgiveness.
I quit a month ago. Sober 30 days, and I was dispassionate about it. I noticed the weight start to come off, my skin improved and I stopped waking up in sweats. My relationship with my husband repaired. But I felt empty and not celebratory. Two days ago I felt too alone. Hubby still working away and nothing changing. I went and bought a bottle of my wine. I opened it. Poured a glass and set it down. I couldn't bring the cup to my lips though. I went to bed late after fighting with myself for hours trying to justify drinking it. I put it on my bedside table and went to sleep....and woke up with it staring me in the face. I went downstairs depressed and guilty.
Sometime in the afternoon I made a decision to go to God about it. Couldn't hurt, right? I set the kids up with books and took the cup into the bathroom and locked the door. I put the cup down on the back of the toilet and got ready to pray. I got interrupted is what happened...kids. Second attempt. I felt silly. I'm not a new christian. I know how this works. But the difference was I was truly felt that He would take me as I was. God and I had a good talk, but when it was time to dump the wine is when the fireworks started. I poured it into the toilet and noticed how it settled. Black. Like tar. THAT's what was inside me when I drank it. The water didn't look like it diluted ANYTHING! The tears were flowing and I noticed the actual fixture. It was covered in old spilled wine, and probably things I'd purged. I hadn't cleaned it in a while. I felt sickened with myself and I felt worthless all in a few seconds. Then I flushed and God spoke, "This is what I've done for you." The water turned clean and clear! That was my spirit too! God flushed the blackness away from me when I asked for forgiveness!!! Well, I started howling with joy! More tears and sobs. I went to the sink and took out my toilet cleaner and paper towel. I knelt before the bowl and DOUSED it it cleaner! Sobbing with joy, I scrubbed the rest of it clean. Over, under, in.
I now understood something else too. Cleanliness really IS close to Godliness!! At that thought I rested my arms and forehead on the closed lid. This was a position I'd taken in times before, but never in joy and peace. I felt His presence. Warm and comforting. It was like a welcome home. Today I still feel it. I asked for help this morning and I will ask again tomorrow. Every day. I'm not letting go this time"
I was drinking every night by summer. Secretly too so no one would know it's how I coped with my days. Months that followed were filled with hiding money, sneaking to the store and lying to cover everything up. I gained weight, my skin turned red and I stopped sleeping. Cranky. Impatient. Bad mom. I let my guilt drive me farther into it and I pushed my Lord away. I felt unclean and unable to accept his forgiveness.
I quit a month ago. Sober 30 days, and I was dispassionate about it. I noticed the weight start to come off, my skin improved and I stopped waking up in sweats. My relationship with my husband repaired. But I felt empty and not celebratory. Two days ago I felt too alone. Hubby still working away and nothing changing. I went and bought a bottle of my wine. I opened it. Poured a glass and set it down. I couldn't bring the cup to my lips though. I went to bed late after fighting with myself for hours trying to justify drinking it. I put it on my bedside table and went to sleep....and woke up with it staring me in the face. I went downstairs depressed and guilty.
Sometime in the afternoon I made a decision to go to God about it. Couldn't hurt, right? I set the kids up with books and took the cup into the bathroom and locked the door. I put the cup down on the back of the toilet and got ready to pray. I got interrupted is what happened...kids. Second attempt. I felt silly. I'm not a new christian. I know how this works. But the difference was I was truly felt that He would take me as I was. God and I had a good talk, but when it was time to dump the wine is when the fireworks started. I poured it into the toilet and noticed how it settled. Black. Like tar. THAT's what was inside me when I drank it. The water didn't look like it diluted ANYTHING! The tears were flowing and I noticed the actual fixture. It was covered in old spilled wine, and probably things I'd purged. I hadn't cleaned it in a while. I felt sickened with myself and I felt worthless all in a few seconds. Then I flushed and God spoke, "This is what I've done for you." The water turned clean and clear! That was my spirit too! God flushed the blackness away from me when I asked for forgiveness!!! Well, I started howling with joy! More tears and sobs. I went to the sink and took out my toilet cleaner and paper towel. I knelt before the bowl and DOUSED it it cleaner! Sobbing with joy, I scrubbed the rest of it clean. Over, under, in.
I now understood something else too. Cleanliness really IS close to Godliness!! At that thought I rested my arms and forehead on the closed lid. This was a position I'd taken in times before, but never in joy and peace. I felt His presence. Warm and comforting. It was like a welcome home. Today I still feel it. I asked for help this morning and I will ask again tomorrow. Every day. I'm not letting go this time"
That's my story. Of course there is much more to me than all that. I have had a rich relationship with God. It's just when I started consciously pushing him away that things turned very bad.
I have so many blessings and am working on finding joy in every area of my life. My walk is renewed! I can rejoice with a clear heart and mind again!
I have so many blessings and am working on finding joy in every area of my life. My walk is renewed! I can rejoice with a clear heart and mind again!
