I'm feeling as if i'm not loved for who I am, but for what I provide, and if I fail to bend over backwards to accommodate their needs I am suddenly a heartless wretch who is being deliberately hurtful.
I feel like I cannot win, if I do what they want I find myself drained, miserable and walking on eggshells to avoid them over thinking/reacting; if I try to balance it out with what I need to keep myself from tumbling down they make me feel guilty by becoming apologetic and flooding me with "I wouldn't want to talk to me either" messages.
I feel like whatever I say, whatever I do, I will be the bad guy and I just can't cope. I feel as if I just can't cope, even though I know they have issues they refuse to acknowledge because they're "in control", and I feel bad that I have to go weeks without talking to them just to stop myself sinking.
I feel like a bad person for having my own issues and wanting to put them first so I can have an actual life and not spend my entire early adulthood in and out of institutions.
I feel like they're not taking me seriously whenever I say anything they don't want to hear.
I feel as if I made a big mistake and I feel like a complete loser than I don't know how to cope with this.
I feel like they really do not understand that unlike them my friends are few and far between, that I don't have a confidante or a friend I miss terribly, that there is no one I would turn to in a crisis.
I feel as if they really do not care that everyone I cared about, everyone I could talk to, everyone who helped me through my fears, have moved out of the country.
I feel like I want my non-needy, happy to talk once a month over hot chocolate and sappy romance films friends back.
I feel self destructive. I want to feel something other than sadness, I want to feel pain, I want to run until my heart cannot cope anymore, I want to run until my knee dislocates, I want to run until I fall into the sea.
But mostly I feel sad, stressed and that out of all the things I need before starting an intense two years of vocational training is someone who demands so much of my time there's nothing left for me. So then I feel bad that i'm being selfish, and the cycle starts all over again.
I just want to be left alone.
I just want to stop being an emotional dumpster for everyone else and have them listen to me when I say I need them to leave me alone when i'm fighting my depression.
I just want to cry and have one place where I can share my thoughts that doesn't feel as if i'm being monitored all the time.
I just want them to understand that they want what I can't give them.
I can't deal with emotionally needy individuals, I can't talk every day for hours, I don't want to spend hours in their company, I don't want to share my deepest darkest secrets with them. I want to be alone.
I want space.
I feel incredibly selfish.
I have too many feelings.
I should tell my therapist all of this.
Except I don't want her to think it has been three steps forward, six steps back.
I feel stupid.
I feel hated.
I feel as if I have no idea how to relate to people in order to prevent hurting them.
I feel confused.
I feel lost.
I feel like all I want to do is buy a caravan in the middle of nowhere, get a big dog, and spend the rest of my days holed away so the only person I can hurt is myself.
I feel like i've bitten off more than I can chew with this course.
I feel like there's too much pressure on me doing well.
I feel like I just want someone, anyone, to stop trying to get something from me and just talk about stupid things.
I feel as if I want one friend who understands that i'm really trying to battle through my mental health problems, but that I can't do that effectively when i'm trying to keep them from crashing and burning to.
I feel like I need one relatively stable person in my life who demands nothing from me.
I feel like i'd be quite happy if the only human beings I saw on a regular basis were my therapist and everyone from group therapy.
I feel as if i'd be happier back inside the hospital where there's a set schedule, and everyone is in the same boat, and you just know where you are.
I feel as if I can't control my own life.
I feel as if i'm drowning and everyone else is clawing at me trying to save themselves.
I feel as if i'm letting everyone down.
I feel.
But I can't show people that I feel. I can only blog about how I feel. People ask me how I feel and I say "fine". I say nothing. I say nothing and then wonder why people are shocked when I finally explode.
I feel like I need to learn to communicate my feelings before I burst.
I feel like I cannot win, if I do what they want I find myself drained, miserable and walking on eggshells to avoid them over thinking/reacting; if I try to balance it out with what I need to keep myself from tumbling down they make me feel guilty by becoming apologetic and flooding me with "I wouldn't want to talk to me either" messages.
I feel like whatever I say, whatever I do, I will be the bad guy and I just can't cope. I feel as if I just can't cope, even though I know they have issues they refuse to acknowledge because they're "in control", and I feel bad that I have to go weeks without talking to them just to stop myself sinking.
I feel like a bad person for having my own issues and wanting to put them first so I can have an actual life and not spend my entire early adulthood in and out of institutions.
I feel like they're not taking me seriously whenever I say anything they don't want to hear.
I feel as if I made a big mistake and I feel like a complete loser than I don't know how to cope with this.
I feel like they really do not understand that unlike them my friends are few and far between, that I don't have a confidante or a friend I miss terribly, that there is no one I would turn to in a crisis.
I feel as if they really do not care that everyone I cared about, everyone I could talk to, everyone who helped me through my fears, have moved out of the country.
I feel like I want my non-needy, happy to talk once a month over hot chocolate and sappy romance films friends back.
I feel self destructive. I want to feel something other than sadness, I want to feel pain, I want to run until my heart cannot cope anymore, I want to run until my knee dislocates, I want to run until I fall into the sea.
But mostly I feel sad, stressed and that out of all the things I need before starting an intense two years of vocational training is someone who demands so much of my time there's nothing left for me. So then I feel bad that i'm being selfish, and the cycle starts all over again.
I just want to be left alone.
I just want to stop being an emotional dumpster for everyone else and have them listen to me when I say I need them to leave me alone when i'm fighting my depression.
I just want to cry and have one place where I can share my thoughts that doesn't feel as if i'm being monitored all the time.
I just want them to understand that they want what I can't give them.
I can't deal with emotionally needy individuals, I can't talk every day for hours, I don't want to spend hours in their company, I don't want to share my deepest darkest secrets with them. I want to be alone.
I want space.
I feel incredibly selfish.
I have too many feelings.
I should tell my therapist all of this.
Except I don't want her to think it has been three steps forward, six steps back.
I feel stupid.
I feel hated.
I feel as if I have no idea how to relate to people in order to prevent hurting them.
I feel confused.
I feel lost.
I feel like all I want to do is buy a caravan in the middle of nowhere, get a big dog, and spend the rest of my days holed away so the only person I can hurt is myself.
I feel like i've bitten off more than I can chew with this course.
I feel like there's too much pressure on me doing well.
I feel like I just want someone, anyone, to stop trying to get something from me and just talk about stupid things.
I feel as if I want one friend who understands that i'm really trying to battle through my mental health problems, but that I can't do that effectively when i'm trying to keep them from crashing and burning to.
I feel like I need one relatively stable person in my life who demands nothing from me.
I feel like i'd be quite happy if the only human beings I saw on a regular basis were my therapist and everyone from group therapy.
I feel as if i'd be happier back inside the hospital where there's a set schedule, and everyone is in the same boat, and you just know where you are.
I feel as if I can't control my own life.
I feel as if i'm drowning and everyone else is clawing at me trying to save themselves.
I feel as if i'm letting everyone down.
I feel.
But I can't show people that I feel. I can only blog about how I feel. People ask me how I feel and I say "fine". I say nothing. I say nothing and then wonder why people are shocked when I finally explode.
I feel like I need to learn to communicate my feelings before I burst.
