I am feeling stupid over my actions. This is going to sound crazy because it is. I have been under a lot of stress. I got fired last year because I would not date my boss. I am going through unemplyment and a lawsuit. On top of the stress of finding work, I have to deal with people in my life. I am almost always the strong one. So I really have not had anyone to turn to. My ex-husband has been sending me horrible text message about what a horrible person I am. I am not doing anything to him but he just keeps sending them. My son failed the 2nd grade and he keeps tell me I am an un fit mother. I been having nightmares and bad thoughts of what a bad person I am. That is the background of what i am going through.
Now comes the crazy part. I do not want to even admit to it because it is so bad. In December I started dating a man that was not a Christian. It was a huge mistake. I always went to church and prayed. God was always on my lips. I backslide and end up going to bed with him. After a few months I felt so much guilt and the relationship was not good. He says how perfect I was and I gave so much of myself to him. I broke up with him because I did not want to sin anymore and did not like the way he treated me. Then I turn insane because it bothered me that he did not care. I felt used and hurt. I just thought he should have cared. Over the next three months we kept hanging out and would make out. He started treating me like I was bothering him. I pushed him away because I thought that is what he wanted. He says i was hurting him. I broke up with him again two weeks ago. I left him alone for almost a week. I made up a list of 84 reasons why I should not be with him. I made the list to remind myself why I need to stay away. I wanted him to see it but I did not want to contact him. So I did something crazy but making up an email. And pretending to be someone else so i could send it to him and it not look like I was contacting him. He got the list and then he contacted me saying he was sorry. We both agreed that we are not right for one each. We end up fighting then we talked and it turned out for the best. Or so I thought. I made a lunch date with a guy that liked me. Then the next day as I was getting ready he text me saying he had a date for Saturday. I went unglued. It hurt so bad that he was replacing me. I was only going out went someone because he told me to. And here he is replacing me already. I could not handle it. The pain was so great I could not stop crying. I started having problems with my colon because of the stress. I called him up to get me something to help the pain. He went on his date and as he was going. I text him saying I am going away and not coming back. I need to get away from it all. he text me saying he loved me. I end up seeing him after his date and could not stop thinking how he was with that woman. I left him and send him and email how I can not even see him the same way. I wanted him to know How much he hurt me. So since I had a fake email I used it to tell him how I felt. I do not know what I was thinking. Maybe I was not thinking. When I sent him the 84 reasons he asked me to send "her" an email saying to leave him alone. I used the email that I sent to "her" saying to lave him alone. By going in and hitting reply all and begane to talk to myself about all the pain he caused me. How I felt and what I was going through. I did this so he would know because I felt wronged and replaced. I been having so many nightmares that I have not been sleeping for weeks. Intill this week the nightmares were about death. Since he told me he had a date, they have been about him with that woman. Am I going crazy? I really did not want to go on. Felt like Elijah calling out to God to just take me. now. The thoughts about how no one will ever want me and that I such a horrible person kept coming. I still not sleep. Please just tell me what I am doing? I can not believe that I did what I did. I am ashamed of everything. So am I going crazy?
Now comes the crazy part. I do not want to even admit to it because it is so bad. In December I started dating a man that was not a Christian. It was a huge mistake. I always went to church and prayed. God was always on my lips. I backslide and end up going to bed with him. After a few months I felt so much guilt and the relationship was not good. He says how perfect I was and I gave so much of myself to him. I broke up with him because I did not want to sin anymore and did not like the way he treated me. Then I turn insane because it bothered me that he did not care. I felt used and hurt. I just thought he should have cared. Over the next three months we kept hanging out and would make out. He started treating me like I was bothering him. I pushed him away because I thought that is what he wanted. He says i was hurting him. I broke up with him again two weeks ago. I left him alone for almost a week. I made up a list of 84 reasons why I should not be with him. I made the list to remind myself why I need to stay away. I wanted him to see it but I did not want to contact him. So I did something crazy but making up an email. And pretending to be someone else so i could send it to him and it not look like I was contacting him. He got the list and then he contacted me saying he was sorry. We both agreed that we are not right for one each. We end up fighting then we talked and it turned out for the best. Or so I thought. I made a lunch date with a guy that liked me. Then the next day as I was getting ready he text me saying he had a date for Saturday. I went unglued. It hurt so bad that he was replacing me. I was only going out went someone because he told me to. And here he is replacing me already. I could not handle it. The pain was so great I could not stop crying. I started having problems with my colon because of the stress. I called him up to get me something to help the pain. He went on his date and as he was going. I text him saying I am going away and not coming back. I need to get away from it all. he text me saying he loved me. I end up seeing him after his date and could not stop thinking how he was with that woman. I left him and send him and email how I can not even see him the same way. I wanted him to know How much he hurt me. So since I had a fake email I used it to tell him how I felt. I do not know what I was thinking. Maybe I was not thinking. When I sent him the 84 reasons he asked me to send "her" an email saying to leave him alone. I used the email that I sent to "her" saying to lave him alone. By going in and hitting reply all and begane to talk to myself about all the pain he caused me. How I felt and what I was going through. I did this so he would know because I felt wronged and replaced. I been having so many nightmares that I have not been sleeping for weeks. Intill this week the nightmares were about death. Since he told me he had a date, they have been about him with that woman. Am I going crazy? I really did not want to go on. Felt like Elijah calling out to God to just take me. now. The thoughts about how no one will ever want me and that I such a horrible person kept coming. I still not sleep. Please just tell me what I am doing? I can not believe that I did what I did. I am ashamed of everything. So am I going crazy?
