Fighting and fighting. Battles upon battles, and I sit here discouraged. My eyes are blinded and my heart hardened. I pray for this veil to be lifted and the way is shown out of this desert. I pray for brokenness, not renewal. I need to be broken and humbled, shown discipline and perhaps out of all this, I can feel the joy that I am suppose to shine out to others. I know this walk is hard and I knew it wouldn't be easy. Here on this earth, I got nothing and plenty of it, so why is it so easy for me to get so freakin' sidetracked in this world. It has nothing to offer, but I stop and look anyway. New tactics are being formed against me, bigger and harder. this shows that I am on the right path. Am I righteous? No, not even close. I sink lower and lower and the voice of my past grows louder and louder, and this voice, I know all too well. The father of lies, is destroying me as best he can. I try to hold true to the word of God, my Lord and Savior, but the entrapments change shape and ensnare in different ways. Desperation is hitting an all-time low, chasing after long extinguished flames to find that it is only I that has never grown and not moved on. Agendas taking me away from what God wants, because of my self-centered nature that I try to hide, I try to protect and deny. I come clean with the fact that fail daily and most of my sentences when spoken to other people begin with the word "I". I am so disgustingly self-centered and serving I wonder why God hasn't turned from me. I take so much for granted in my life, when I should be thankful that I have life at all. Self-pity destroys so much and I'm not even sure when I'm drowning in it or when it is an honest to God pain. Lies, more lies probably. I pray for discernment, to know who is speaking inside, where Truth shines and the darkness tries to lead. I want out of my own head sometimes because of all the arguments and confusion. I know these things are not of God and not lead by the Holy Spirit. I am being ripped to shreds with only myself as a witness. I am by no means a martyr, nor will I ever be that worthy or special. I am weak, weak to no end and flawed beyond comprehension. I have purpose because God made me and knows me, but I question whether I am doing what He needs me to do. I ask, but I'm not sure if I am looking for a response, an answer or a nudge. I'm scared and I don't feel as if i know what i am doing right now. All I know is that I know too much and know better than to turn away now. I have gone too far with my walk with Christ. I may be walking in what feels like hell, but I sure as hell am not going there when all is said and done! I feel the lies licking me like flames, taunting me, begging me to run away. But i will take refuge in His presence, even though I can't feel it right now, or even understand. Don't really know what else to say, except, I'm going to bed and pray that tomorrow has something good somewhere in the line-up, because it's nights like these that are killing me. Thank you Father for the tests and trials in my life, i truly mean this. i know it's hard right now and I know that I will feel hard-pressed on every side, but will not be crushed. Thank you for loving me enough to allow tests of faith and to see where I will stand, and for the opportunity to show you that I am trying to fight for your Kingdom. I may stumble, but with your strength, I will stand the ground you have already claimed for your own! Thank you and I praise your name for the rest of my days. Watch over me tonight, guard me and protect me from the evil one and those that keep me from you. I Love You God. You're all I got.
10:14 PM
Marie C: I'm here
Casey P: Hey Eric, I'm sorry you're feeling down. You're in my prayers man. You're one of my best friends, Truly. I hope everything becomes a lot better for you, I know you deserve it! You may not know, but you have taught me so much! And I am very PROUD to call you a friend! If you ever need anything, or just someone to talk to, I'm here for you 100%. I love you Eric. I hope you have a great night, and as well as a great and blessed day tomorrow. Night brother. God Bless.
10:14 PM
Marie C: I'm here
Casey P: Hey Eric, I'm sorry you're feeling down. You're in my prayers man. You're one of my best friends, Truly. I hope everything becomes a lot better for you, I know you deserve it! You may not know, but you have taught me so much! And I am very PROUD to call you a friend! If you ever need anything, or just someone to talk to, I'm here for you 100%. I love you Eric. I hope you have a great night, and as well as a great and blessed day tomorrow. Night brother. God Bless.
