Im slowly waking up and practicing again. Trauma destroyed my life many years ago. my mind became paralyzed and I could not respond . I was like a schizophrenic. Im slowly learning how to open up again.. Very cautiously. Im not well received by people. People are viscous and do not understand.
Im OK with myself, However, Im waking up as an 8 year old with no experience; that is how it feels. Im Ok with practicing. The problem; Im practicing on people twice my experience age. I have little experience socially. When I express myself physically or emotionally towards others Im expressing in basic roles and these roles are new to me. It can be an awkward situation. I can appear the clumsy oaf. Ive destroyed many relational possibilities as the partner Im dancing with had no idea I had 2 left feet ( philosophically speaking).
You would be surprised how fast the average person will get rid of you when they think something is of balance.
The other person might be protecting themselves from a relationship; protecting themselves for ever. They will never show up, or they are never present, or they are never coming back.. They don't care. I have to trust God.
I can get depressed, and I have to remember the people Im dancing with mean more to me then I to them. I have had great losses. Im waking up to a second chance in life. The people I earth dance with don't appreciate things the way I do. and they seldom feel the need to ask questions about the surroundings like I do.
I appreciate life because I know true death and sorrow. I awaited death until my mind was gone.
God has brought me back because I asked him to. The Universe bends in my direction when I ask of it..
God always loved me. Im alive!, he never planned on my early death. He never wanted that for me. He let me know he was sorry for what had happened to me, and I would have melded into a deep sleep and awakened into his arms and been in heaven; either way!
Now, Im learning to slowly allow connection to explore; connection nodes from me to you wake up again. I am trusting again.
I am aware that the past was a rotting hell. I never knew. I did not know the people on that great stage were all fakes.. false perceptions of reality. They were never on my side. They hated me from the beginning.
And on this site it is wonderful, as I can say things that people understand. I can say that the people of the past never liked me because there father was from hell, he was the father of lies, and it is him that they worshiped. And those people were full of the seed of hatred and demons.. They were propped up by hell, and there smiles from hell.
I may talk about them because I am safe from them for ever. I am on my knees to Jesus Christ my master all day long. It is he that I go to , do be fed.. He is my master, I am his slave. I go to my father that I may be filled with the bread of life, that I may breath in what he breaths out. That I may live in him, that I may live an extended life. He is my Iron lung..
I pray someday that he will bring me gentle real people that like me the way I am.. I hope that I don't have to wait to go to heaven to have real friendships..
Im OK with myself, However, Im waking up as an 8 year old with no experience; that is how it feels. Im Ok with practicing. The problem; Im practicing on people twice my experience age. I have little experience socially. When I express myself physically or emotionally towards others Im expressing in basic roles and these roles are new to me. It can be an awkward situation. I can appear the clumsy oaf. Ive destroyed many relational possibilities as the partner Im dancing with had no idea I had 2 left feet ( philosophically speaking).
You would be surprised how fast the average person will get rid of you when they think something is of balance.
The other person might be protecting themselves from a relationship; protecting themselves for ever. They will never show up, or they are never present, or they are never coming back.. They don't care. I have to trust God.
I can get depressed, and I have to remember the people Im dancing with mean more to me then I to them. I have had great losses. Im waking up to a second chance in life. The people I earth dance with don't appreciate things the way I do. and they seldom feel the need to ask questions about the surroundings like I do.
I appreciate life because I know true death and sorrow. I awaited death until my mind was gone.
God has brought me back because I asked him to. The Universe bends in my direction when I ask of it..
God always loved me. Im alive!, he never planned on my early death. He never wanted that for me. He let me know he was sorry for what had happened to me, and I would have melded into a deep sleep and awakened into his arms and been in heaven; either way!
Now, Im learning to slowly allow connection to explore; connection nodes from me to you wake up again. I am trusting again.
I am aware that the past was a rotting hell. I never knew. I did not know the people on that great stage were all fakes.. false perceptions of reality. They were never on my side. They hated me from the beginning.
And on this site it is wonderful, as I can say things that people understand. I can say that the people of the past never liked me because there father was from hell, he was the father of lies, and it is him that they worshiped. And those people were full of the seed of hatred and demons.. They were propped up by hell, and there smiles from hell.
I may talk about them because I am safe from them for ever. I am on my knees to Jesus Christ my master all day long. It is he that I go to , do be fed.. He is my master, I am his slave. I go to my father that I may be filled with the bread of life, that I may breath in what he breaths out. That I may live in him, that I may live an extended life. He is my Iron lung..
I pray someday that he will bring me gentle real people that like me the way I am.. I hope that I don't have to wait to go to heaven to have real friendships..
