Today's just another day in the episode called life, but I suppose it's just as good to write about as any other. Maybe the seemingly pointless days are eventually the ones that end up meaning the most. Who really knows? 
I realized today that I bring everything upon myself. I brought on the depression when I walked away from myself, when I walked away from God, from my friends, and when I withdrew from my family. I was alive, but I might as well have been dead.
But feeling numb, feeling dead, it's the easiest part. It's putting back the pieces that's hard. It's getting your heart and you lungs and your brain to work again, it's recovering from those few months that really takes the work.
And when I really think about it.. I haven't done any. I've sat here waiting for a miracle, waiting for someone to fix things for me, like they always have. But I guess that can't work forever, can it?
When God didn't swoop down and make everything better for me I told him that I hated him, and I turned my back on him. He didn't turn it on me, he never did. I turned it on him. I might not agree with everything God tells me in the Bible, but I believe in him. So is it wrong to hope that just maybe, in my current situation, that that's enough?
But I'm supposed to be strong. No more bull [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]. I'm supposed to move on. Supposed to change things for myself, because no one will any longer. But who am I kidding? I'm not really going to make any effort. Because I'm not me anymore.
I guess I just still can't get my heart to work just the right way again...
I realized today that I bring everything upon myself. I brought on the depression when I walked away from myself, when I walked away from God, from my friends, and when I withdrew from my family. I was alive, but I might as well have been dead.
But feeling numb, feeling dead, it's the easiest part. It's putting back the pieces that's hard. It's getting your heart and you lungs and your brain to work again, it's recovering from those few months that really takes the work.
And when I really think about it.. I haven't done any. I've sat here waiting for a miracle, waiting for someone to fix things for me, like they always have. But I guess that can't work forever, can it?
When God didn't swoop down and make everything better for me I told him that I hated him, and I turned my back on him. He didn't turn it on me, he never did. I turned it on him. I might not agree with everything God tells me in the Bible, but I believe in him. So is it wrong to hope that just maybe, in my current situation, that that's enough?
But I'm supposed to be strong. No more bull [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]. I'm supposed to move on. Supposed to change things for myself, because no one will any longer. But who am I kidding? I'm not really going to make any effort. Because I'm not me anymore.
I guess I just still can't get my heart to work just the right way again...
