My friend Johanna (we have the same name) gave birth this morning. She has a little boy who is beautiful and healthy. It was the first news that I heard this morning. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for years, but because I'm very anemic, we've had many miscarriages. It made us sad, but we decided on adoption to grow our family.
I have to say that the first time my friend Johanna showed me her sonogram picture of her baby, I was envious. I didn't understand why God chose her to be a mother and not me. What was wrong with me?? I often questioned why God chose this for me, chose not to let me be a mother. Would I be a bad mother and that is why I was not to have a child of my own? There are plenty of women out there are not good moms, why do they get to have babies and I don't???
It took a while to get used to seeing women with babies on the streets or pregnant women on the bus. I avoided places where there was children and babies like parks and I never went to baby showers, I just sent a gift and made up excuses as to why I wasn't going to be there. I prayed for patience and I prayed to know what it was like to carry a new life to term and then give birth.
This morning, something miraculous happened to me. When my friend Johanna sent me a picture of her new baby, I was not jealous at all. I smiled. I sent her a little e-card that read "World's Best New Mom" and I even wrote to her in her native German (I used Google Translate). Did God answer my prayers? Did He give me love and patience in my heart and take away the envy? Sure, it isn't exactly what I prayed for (a new baby), but it is something that to me, was just as good. I felt love instead of envy, I felt that I found redemption within myself and somehow, I became a new person. Just as how this baby was a new life added to the world, I too found new life within myself through loss of envy and bitterness over my lost pregnancies.
I found myself saying a little prayer for my friend and her new baby. I asked God to bless them both and to make the baby healthy, beautiful and intelligent for his mother who loved him so much. I felt good about myself and happy for my friend.
Maybe I didn't get the baby that I wanted but I got something wonderful in my heart: happiness and love for someone else. God bless you all!
I have to say that the first time my friend Johanna showed me her sonogram picture of her baby, I was envious. I didn't understand why God chose her to be a mother and not me. What was wrong with me?? I often questioned why God chose this for me, chose not to let me be a mother. Would I be a bad mother and that is why I was not to have a child of my own? There are plenty of women out there are not good moms, why do they get to have babies and I don't???
It took a while to get used to seeing women with babies on the streets or pregnant women on the bus. I avoided places where there was children and babies like parks and I never went to baby showers, I just sent a gift and made up excuses as to why I wasn't going to be there. I prayed for patience and I prayed to know what it was like to carry a new life to term and then give birth.
This morning, something miraculous happened to me. When my friend Johanna sent me a picture of her new baby, I was not jealous at all. I smiled. I sent her a little e-card that read "World's Best New Mom" and I even wrote to her in her native German (I used Google Translate). Did God answer my prayers? Did He give me love and patience in my heart and take away the envy? Sure, it isn't exactly what I prayed for (a new baby), but it is something that to me, was just as good. I felt love instead of envy, I felt that I found redemption within myself and somehow, I became a new person. Just as how this baby was a new life added to the world, I too found new life within myself through loss of envy and bitterness over my lost pregnancies.
I found myself saying a little prayer for my friend and her new baby. I asked God to bless them both and to make the baby healthy, beautiful and intelligent for his mother who loved him so much. I felt good about myself and happy for my friend.
Maybe I didn't get the baby that I wanted but I got something wonderful in my heart: happiness and love for someone else. God bless you all!
