To everyone who’s lost someone they loved, long before it was their time, you feel like the days you had were not enough, when you said goodbye, and to all other people with burdens and pains keeping you back from your life, you believe that theres nothing and there is no one who can make it right, there is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary and love for the broken hearts, there is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing, He’ll meet you wherever you are, cry out to Jesus…
The replay of what I could have done different for my friend replays, a constant, in my world of trickery and false presumptions…the unanswered questions to which I will never have an answer plague me. What could I have said and done to and for Chris that may have changed the ending of his life? He was what…4 miles from me? I cannot pretend to feel even a hundreth of what his family does, but Lord knows I always loved Chris like a brother, but got caught up in life, in college, in marriage and motherhood and forgot…until I got the call he was gone…then it all came back too late, and it’s too late forever. Nothing can change in this situation, the deed is done, and he is gone. Then there’s my ferret, bled to death after an attack…for so long I cradled her, praying for just one minute, and still nothing.
The answer to their question, for me at least, isn’t that I am ‘coping’ with this so great, but that my outer shields are reinforced, and my heart is hardened. For one who ran to save a squirrel when one car hit it, as it lay there dying, and watched it be hit again, to completely crumbling on a street corner at that sight and realization I couldn’t save it, I am hardened. Perhaps it is temporary, either way, I know it is for my own good, as truly feeling the magnitude of all of this would certainly be a detriment…a detriment indeed.
You never would have thought in the end, how amazing it feels just to live again…
Life is a lesson in pain and loss. Life is a lesson in resilience and perseverance. Resilience to the pain and perseverance to the loss. Life is a lesson in application of experience. The application experiences, good, bad, otherwise, will always be conveyed to another, regardless of intent, it will be, at some point, and it is our choice whether or not we choose to convey the positives and the resilience, or whether we just turn to bitterness…outside, I partake in the former, but inside, the tightrope of such is seen, as it may have been inferred through my writings, that bitterness is a familiar neighbor.
I tried to be perfect but nothing was worth it I don’t believe it makes me real I thought it’d be easy but no one believes me I meant all the things I said if you believe its in my soul id say all the words I know just to see if it would show that im trying to let you know that im better off on my own…
Abandonment. Abandon. The synonyms for this are seemingly endless, so long as you reference things the way I do, the way that my mind works, which I must say, is quite odd. For one of my greatest fears, the thought certainly is tempting….just leave. Just go away. Just disappear and fade into black…I have lost myself in this all. Not the type of lost myself that 40 somethings go through when they realize they are ‘old’ and try to relive their glory days, if they can be called that, but the type of lost where you watch your soul drift away from you, like sending an elder out to sea, knowing that though they live for the moment you watch them, soon they too will be like smoke, and fade away into nothingness.
I once ‘had it all.’ Now, instead, I have an absolutely beautiful son who is far more of a Godsend than I ever could have prayed for, and am married…but nothing is without trials. For my son it was his heart, which, by God, has since been healed, and for my marriage, I can say without a doubt that we have been through more together in our 2 years together than most will encounter, in trials, throughout their entire existance. Why? Why I do not know, but I know it has a reason…the only stipulation for discovering this reason is wear, the type of wear and tear that not only destroys the strength and the ability to maintain any form of a stance to stand, but the type which stretches apart the fabric of existance so that every evil and poison seeps into the seems, and infects the very core of being.
In October, I was tired. I was worn and I was tired. But compared to now? Compared to now I was a prize-fighter taking a break for a drink of water, and now, I am comparable to the nerd who steps into a ring with a UFC champ and is beaten for their entire worth, only spared their breath to feel the infliction of what has been done.
I keep going, this much is for sure. Do I wear a mask? A joke, yes, but still, a reality underneath. So many have told me, have told us, they cannot fathom how we are able to function with our circumstances, most of which they know only the very beginning of, let alone smile and laugh and carry on as we do. For this I can honestly give all thanks to God….life is a conditioning exercise, you never know when you’re going to draw the short stick for life and be at the front lines your entire existance, at least thus far…
I’m afraid of meeting new people. Not because of the people, but because of the societal interrogation of “how are you doing,” and the answer that follows…the answer which can either be a cunning deceit, or the truth, to which the new people you meet are soon those who screen your calls and avoid you, knowing your life, which you did not choose to be dealt, is ‘too much’ for them, and something they don’t ‘want to be involved in.’
It’s three flights down to happiness…nothing ever works out like it should…
Prima drama…you were right, not by my choosing though. I’ve tried the laying low, and pretending the past is not my past, I’ve done the selective memory of life, and every other trick…thus is my life, the only one I have ever known. I always imagined that when I grew up, it would all be different, and now here I am, all grown up, with everything worse than before…
Normality is a fallacy. Define normal, I’d love to see a good example, a real example. My heroes are not normal, for normal is secular, and they are not. So normal? Normal is a fallacy. A creation of society which varies for conveinence and overall is just another cliché for our path.
Where has my education gotten me? In debt. More knowledgable of situation and issue to realize how much things really do suck (best way to be put is bluntly…) My wonderous ideas for forensic psychiatrist are washed up, as are my self-lies to get through the day…it’s all washed up. Washed up, dried out, cracking and sun-bleached. My ‘hard-work’ and my plans…they lay in their separate urns, scorched by this thing called life.
Deterioration of self. That’d be a pretty good synopsis of this. Not deterioration of mental status, been there, done that, realized when all else fails, all I have is my mind to entertain me, so I have to at least keep that in tip-top shape J
Let’s waste time, chasing cars, around our heads, I need your grace, to remind me, to find my own…if I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lay with me, and just forget the world, forget what were told, before we get too old, show me a garden that’s bursting into life…all that I am, all that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see, I don’t know where, confused about how as well, just know that these things will never change for us at all…
Another knee surgery, of joy. One down on May 2nd, one down 8 years ago, and another on in early July. How did I manage to re-tear my left meniscus and completely tear the right one? Just like a Tootsie-Pop, the world may never know. How much I would love to be able to run again, how much I used to love that, running, with music, just running and running until either I reached my destination or I was too exhausted to go on, but alas, even though one knee is fixed, the physical therapy which needs to be done, and has needed to be done for 2 weeks, requires pre-authorization from my insurance company and that is indeed too much to ask…fools.
This will be the last night, feeling like this…just came to say, “Goodbye.”
I’ve been saying it for months and I mean it, it’s an SOS to beat them all…is anyone listening?
I heard your voice through the photograph, I thought it up and brought up the past, once you know you can never go back, you gotta take it on the otherside…How long, how long will I slide?
It’s an epiphany. A glorified and novel concept, one which will indeed surpass the rest…
I’m losing my sight, losing my mind, wishing somebody would tell me I’m fine, nothing’s all right, nothing is fine, I’m running and I’m crying…I can’t go on, living this way…
An inspiration, I have been called. If they could see me now…and the demons awaken, and stomp throughout my midst…
You’re a thief an abomination…I loved her, you distorted her view, God help me, not to distort you…
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Eph. 6:12
The replay of what I could have done different for my friend replays, a constant, in my world of trickery and false presumptions…the unanswered questions to which I will never have an answer plague me. What could I have said and done to and for Chris that may have changed the ending of his life? He was what…4 miles from me? I cannot pretend to feel even a hundreth of what his family does, but Lord knows I always loved Chris like a brother, but got caught up in life, in college, in marriage and motherhood and forgot…until I got the call he was gone…then it all came back too late, and it’s too late forever. Nothing can change in this situation, the deed is done, and he is gone. Then there’s my ferret, bled to death after an attack…for so long I cradled her, praying for just one minute, and still nothing.
The answer to their question, for me at least, isn’t that I am ‘coping’ with this so great, but that my outer shields are reinforced, and my heart is hardened. For one who ran to save a squirrel when one car hit it, as it lay there dying, and watched it be hit again, to completely crumbling on a street corner at that sight and realization I couldn’t save it, I am hardened. Perhaps it is temporary, either way, I know it is for my own good, as truly feeling the magnitude of all of this would certainly be a detriment…a detriment indeed.
You never would have thought in the end, how amazing it feels just to live again…
Life is a lesson in pain and loss. Life is a lesson in resilience and perseverance. Resilience to the pain and perseverance to the loss. Life is a lesson in application of experience. The application experiences, good, bad, otherwise, will always be conveyed to another, regardless of intent, it will be, at some point, and it is our choice whether or not we choose to convey the positives and the resilience, or whether we just turn to bitterness…outside, I partake in the former, but inside, the tightrope of such is seen, as it may have been inferred through my writings, that bitterness is a familiar neighbor.
I tried to be perfect but nothing was worth it I don’t believe it makes me real I thought it’d be easy but no one believes me I meant all the things I said if you believe its in my soul id say all the words I know just to see if it would show that im trying to let you know that im better off on my own…
Abandonment. Abandon. The synonyms for this are seemingly endless, so long as you reference things the way I do, the way that my mind works, which I must say, is quite odd. For one of my greatest fears, the thought certainly is tempting….just leave. Just go away. Just disappear and fade into black…I have lost myself in this all. Not the type of lost myself that 40 somethings go through when they realize they are ‘old’ and try to relive their glory days, if they can be called that, but the type of lost where you watch your soul drift away from you, like sending an elder out to sea, knowing that though they live for the moment you watch them, soon they too will be like smoke, and fade away into nothingness.
I once ‘had it all.’ Now, instead, I have an absolutely beautiful son who is far more of a Godsend than I ever could have prayed for, and am married…but nothing is without trials. For my son it was his heart, which, by God, has since been healed, and for my marriage, I can say without a doubt that we have been through more together in our 2 years together than most will encounter, in trials, throughout their entire existance. Why? Why I do not know, but I know it has a reason…the only stipulation for discovering this reason is wear, the type of wear and tear that not only destroys the strength and the ability to maintain any form of a stance to stand, but the type which stretches apart the fabric of existance so that every evil and poison seeps into the seems, and infects the very core of being.
In October, I was tired. I was worn and I was tired. But compared to now? Compared to now I was a prize-fighter taking a break for a drink of water, and now, I am comparable to the nerd who steps into a ring with a UFC champ and is beaten for their entire worth, only spared their breath to feel the infliction of what has been done.
I keep going, this much is for sure. Do I wear a mask? A joke, yes, but still, a reality underneath. So many have told me, have told us, they cannot fathom how we are able to function with our circumstances, most of which they know only the very beginning of, let alone smile and laugh and carry on as we do. For this I can honestly give all thanks to God….life is a conditioning exercise, you never know when you’re going to draw the short stick for life and be at the front lines your entire existance, at least thus far…
I’m afraid of meeting new people. Not because of the people, but because of the societal interrogation of “how are you doing,” and the answer that follows…the answer which can either be a cunning deceit, or the truth, to which the new people you meet are soon those who screen your calls and avoid you, knowing your life, which you did not choose to be dealt, is ‘too much’ for them, and something they don’t ‘want to be involved in.’
It’s three flights down to happiness…nothing ever works out like it should…
Prima drama…you were right, not by my choosing though. I’ve tried the laying low, and pretending the past is not my past, I’ve done the selective memory of life, and every other trick…thus is my life, the only one I have ever known. I always imagined that when I grew up, it would all be different, and now here I am, all grown up, with everything worse than before…
Normality is a fallacy. Define normal, I’d love to see a good example, a real example. My heroes are not normal, for normal is secular, and they are not. So normal? Normal is a fallacy. A creation of society which varies for conveinence and overall is just another cliché for our path.
Where has my education gotten me? In debt. More knowledgable of situation and issue to realize how much things really do suck (best way to be put is bluntly…) My wonderous ideas for forensic psychiatrist are washed up, as are my self-lies to get through the day…it’s all washed up. Washed up, dried out, cracking and sun-bleached. My ‘hard-work’ and my plans…they lay in their separate urns, scorched by this thing called life.
Deterioration of self. That’d be a pretty good synopsis of this. Not deterioration of mental status, been there, done that, realized when all else fails, all I have is my mind to entertain me, so I have to at least keep that in tip-top shape J
Let’s waste time, chasing cars, around our heads, I need your grace, to remind me, to find my own…if I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lay with me, and just forget the world, forget what were told, before we get too old, show me a garden that’s bursting into life…all that I am, all that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see, I don’t know where, confused about how as well, just know that these things will never change for us at all…
Another knee surgery, of joy. One down on May 2nd, one down 8 years ago, and another on in early July. How did I manage to re-tear my left meniscus and completely tear the right one? Just like a Tootsie-Pop, the world may never know. How much I would love to be able to run again, how much I used to love that, running, with music, just running and running until either I reached my destination or I was too exhausted to go on, but alas, even though one knee is fixed, the physical therapy which needs to be done, and has needed to be done for 2 weeks, requires pre-authorization from my insurance company and that is indeed too much to ask…fools.
This will be the last night, feeling like this…just came to say, “Goodbye.”
I’ve been saying it for months and I mean it, it’s an SOS to beat them all…is anyone listening?
I heard your voice through the photograph, I thought it up and brought up the past, once you know you can never go back, you gotta take it on the otherside…How long, how long will I slide?
It’s an epiphany. A glorified and novel concept, one which will indeed surpass the rest…
I’m losing my sight, losing my mind, wishing somebody would tell me I’m fine, nothing’s all right, nothing is fine, I’m running and I’m crying…I can’t go on, living this way…
An inspiration, I have been called. If they could see me now…and the demons awaken, and stomp throughout my midst…
You’re a thief an abomination…I loved her, you distorted her view, God help me, not to distort you…
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Eph. 6:12
