If you’ve read “My Story”, you’ll know that I’ve battled with eating disorders the majority of my life. Looking at me now, you’d never guess it as many people think those that are battling their own bodies are visibly underweight. That is not always the case. Many people across the world battle daily with loving themselves for the way they are. Society and culture fill our heads with the idea that we are never good enough; that we must be thinner, more beautiful, make more money, etc. It’s hard to fight daily the voice in your head that has fallen for those lies.
For eating disorders specifically, the negative thinking can be deadly. It tells you that if you skip that meal and purge the one you just ate, you will be better than before. The idea of being in control and having control over your body gives you the strength to skip that meal. This combined with the Body Dysmorphia* turns you into an eating disorder expert. You begin to lead two lives: the one that you want people to see and the one that you have behind the bathroom door. It’s exhausting and literally draining.
Photo Credit: http://foodstantly.com/blog/coping-with-eating-disorder/
It wasn’t until about two years ago that I finally hit the wall. I realized that this battle with my body, that I thought I’d gotten over, was really overcoming me. I’d just purged for the third time in three days. I felt guilty, ashamed and most of all, scared. When I wasn’t skipping meals and actually did eat, I was bloated with guilt. At moments of weakness I’d tell myself that I could just end the guilt by getting rid of all the food. And to the bathroom I’d go. Purging had become so easy to me. I had it down to a system.
That is what scared me the most. Since it had become so easy, it would be easy to continue on. I needed to tell someone that could hold me accountable for these hidden actions and that could help me recover from this. With blood shot eyes filled with tears, I immediately called my counselor. The earth angel she is, she picked up the phone on her Saturday off. After chatting and scheduling a session for that week, I automatically felt better. It was the first step of taking my life back from the eating disorder.
In our session that week, she’s shared the book called Life Without Ed. It was a book about a woman’s struggle with her eating disorder, i.e. “Ed”. In the book, the author Jenni Schaefer, shares how through counseling she learned to treat her eating disorder like an abusive relationship. I bought the book, read it and we adopted that concept in my counseling.
The metaphor was extremely helpful and made separating myself from Ed easier. Of course, it was not an easy process at all but my counselor, my support system and faith helped me moment by moment get through it and get better.
A year later I had the mental strength and courage to sign up for a trainer at a local gym. I selected a place that was all about one-on-one training. It was pricey for my budget but it was something I needed to do. I needed to get jumpstarted and felt this was the right choice for me. Through that training I found out that I had basically almost killed my metabolism. Over a decade of starving myself and purging had done its damage. My metabolism was at the age of a 73 year old. It was at that moment that I realized how much I really needed and should be eating. All this time I was not eating because I wanted to be thinner, but at a certain point my body started protecting itself, slowing down the metabolism so it could store anything I did eat. With the help of my trainer, I slowly began adding in more food to my daily routine and learning to take one day at a time.
It’s been a few months shy of a year since than. There are moments that I feel really good about my progress and moments I feel very guilty and ashamed of how I’ve damaged my body so badly and ultimately become overweight. In those moments I have to remind myself I didn’t get this way overnight and it won’t fix itself overnight. It’s a process and every day forward is another day closer to the healthier me. This journey has also shown me I’m extremely blessed to be surrounded by family, friends and coworkers that genuinely love me for me, no matter what I weigh. I thank God for that daily.
I highly recommend the book “Life Without Ed” to anyone who has even a slightly unhealthy relationship with his or her body. I found it immensely helpful, eye opening and inspiring. And if you are struggling, know that there are people around you that love you deeply for who you are and are there to support and help you!
Remember, you are Awesome AND Loved!
Jess
*Body Dysmorphia
“The term Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) describes a disabling preoccupation with perceived defects or flaws in appearance. It can affect both men and women, and makes sufferers excessively self-conscious. They tend to check their appearance repeatedly and try to camouflage or alter the defects they see, often undergoing needless cosmetic treatments. Onlookers are frequently perplexed because they can see nothing out of the ordinary, but BDD causes devastating distress and interferes substantially with the ability to function socially.” – The Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation
Life Without Ed
Jenni had been in an abusive relationship with Ed for far too long. He controlled Jenni’s life, distorted her self-image, and tried to physically harm her throughout their long affair. Then, in therapy, Jenni learned to treat her eating disorder as a relationship, not a condition. By thinking of her eating disorder as a unique personality separate from her own, Jenni was able to break up with Ed once and for all.
Inspiring, compassionate, and filled with practical exercises to help you break up with your own personal E.D., “Life Without Ed” provides hope to the millions of people plagued by eating disorders. Beginning with Jenni’s “divorce” from Ed, this supportive, lifesaving book combines a patient’s insights and experiences with a therapist’s prescriptions for success to help you live a healthier, happier life without Ed.
For eating disorders specifically, the negative thinking can be deadly. It tells you that if you skip that meal and purge the one you just ate, you will be better than before. The idea of being in control and having control over your body gives you the strength to skip that meal. This combined with the Body Dysmorphia* turns you into an eating disorder expert. You begin to lead two lives: the one that you want people to see and the one that you have behind the bathroom door. It’s exhausting and literally draining.
Photo Credit: http://foodstantly.com/blog/coping-with-eating-disorder/
It wasn’t until about two years ago that I finally hit the wall. I realized that this battle with my body, that I thought I’d gotten over, was really overcoming me. I’d just purged for the third time in three days. I felt guilty, ashamed and most of all, scared. When I wasn’t skipping meals and actually did eat, I was bloated with guilt. At moments of weakness I’d tell myself that I could just end the guilt by getting rid of all the food. And to the bathroom I’d go. Purging had become so easy to me. I had it down to a system.
That is what scared me the most. Since it had become so easy, it would be easy to continue on. I needed to tell someone that could hold me accountable for these hidden actions and that could help me recover from this. With blood shot eyes filled with tears, I immediately called my counselor. The earth angel she is, she picked up the phone on her Saturday off. After chatting and scheduling a session for that week, I automatically felt better. It was the first step of taking my life back from the eating disorder.
In our session that week, she’s shared the book called Life Without Ed. It was a book about a woman’s struggle with her eating disorder, i.e. “Ed”. In the book, the author Jenni Schaefer, shares how through counseling she learned to treat her eating disorder like an abusive relationship. I bought the book, read it and we adopted that concept in my counseling.
The metaphor was extremely helpful and made separating myself from Ed easier. Of course, it was not an easy process at all but my counselor, my support system and faith helped me moment by moment get through it and get better.
A year later I had the mental strength and courage to sign up for a trainer at a local gym. I selected a place that was all about one-on-one training. It was pricey for my budget but it was something I needed to do. I needed to get jumpstarted and felt this was the right choice for me. Through that training I found out that I had basically almost killed my metabolism. Over a decade of starving myself and purging had done its damage. My metabolism was at the age of a 73 year old. It was at that moment that I realized how much I really needed and should be eating. All this time I was not eating because I wanted to be thinner, but at a certain point my body started protecting itself, slowing down the metabolism so it could store anything I did eat. With the help of my trainer, I slowly began adding in more food to my daily routine and learning to take one day at a time.
It’s been a few months shy of a year since than. There are moments that I feel really good about my progress and moments I feel very guilty and ashamed of how I’ve damaged my body so badly and ultimately become overweight. In those moments I have to remind myself I didn’t get this way overnight and it won’t fix itself overnight. It’s a process and every day forward is another day closer to the healthier me. This journey has also shown me I’m extremely blessed to be surrounded by family, friends and coworkers that genuinely love me for me, no matter what I weigh. I thank God for that daily.
I highly recommend the book “Life Without Ed” to anyone who has even a slightly unhealthy relationship with his or her body. I found it immensely helpful, eye opening and inspiring. And if you are struggling, know that there are people around you that love you deeply for who you are and are there to support and help you!
Remember, you are Awesome AND Loved!
Jess
*Body Dysmorphia
“The term Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) describes a disabling preoccupation with perceived defects or flaws in appearance. It can affect both men and women, and makes sufferers excessively self-conscious. They tend to check their appearance repeatedly and try to camouflage or alter the defects they see, often undergoing needless cosmetic treatments. Onlookers are frequently perplexed because they can see nothing out of the ordinary, but BDD causes devastating distress and interferes substantially with the ability to function socially.” – The Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation
Life Without Ed
Jenni had been in an abusive relationship with Ed for far too long. He controlled Jenni’s life, distorted her self-image, and tried to physically harm her throughout their long affair. Then, in therapy, Jenni learned to treat her eating disorder as a relationship, not a condition. By thinking of her eating disorder as a unique personality separate from her own, Jenni was able to break up with Ed once and for all.
Inspiring, compassionate, and filled with practical exercises to help you break up with your own personal E.D., “Life Without Ed” provides hope to the millions of people plagued by eating disorders. Beginning with Jenni’s “divorce” from Ed, this supportive, lifesaving book combines a patient’s insights and experiences with a therapist’s prescriptions for success to help you live a healthier, happier life without Ed.
