So on the way back from Elisa’s mom’s, I realized I had forgotten when Jonah’s birthday was. In fact, I had forgotten when Elisa’s birthday was. And she wouldn’t tell me. I kept asking when Jonah’s birthday was again… And she she never said a thing. And finally when she dropped us off and was leaving the house, I asked again when Jonah’s birthday was. And all she said was, “Figure it out. You should know.”
I felt guilty. And for what? Because I had beentold implicitly that I didn’r care about my family. That because I never email anyone, don’t keep in touch, don’t play with the kids, then I must not care. Because I forgot my baby brother’s birthday, that meant I didn’t care. Because I grieved more for my relationships than for my father’s death, I don’t care. Because I don’t do this, because I don’t do that, because I spend all my time wrapped up in thought and doing what I do best, what I love to do, that means I must not care!
When will I stop being so blasted CALM? Why do I let myself be judged like this? Why don’t I DO something? Why can’t I hold on to the fury for once? Why can’t I just feel the rage? Why can’t I kick a wall, throw a fit, anything to let me know I’m a bloody stupid HUMAN?
But I already know the answer, and that just makes me feel sicker and sicker. It’s because that just wouldn’t be me. The world can’t go on without me. It needs me to be just what I am. I am the light of the world. I hold up the sky by virtue of my existence as a Son of God. I have to be what I AM.
I feel like the dark presence because I don’t do all those little things that people think I should. Does that really mean I don’t care? For the first time, I thought about wa;ling away from my family. But that wouldn’t be me either, because that wouldn’t be me either. There’s not a thing I don’t cherish!
This isn’t how it works, people. That isn’t how it works… at all!
Mom, Dad, Jonah, Maddy, Jacob… Elisa, Tom… Jacob… Janet, Nick… Rose, Krista… Philip… Iluv, DG, Bill… everyone. I hope you all know I care! I hope you all know you each have a place in me!
I felt guilty. And for what? Because I had beentold implicitly that I didn’r care about my family. That because I never email anyone, don’t keep in touch, don’t play with the kids, then I must not care. Because I forgot my baby brother’s birthday, that meant I didn’t care. Because I grieved more for my relationships than for my father’s death, I don’t care. Because I don’t do this, because I don’t do that, because I spend all my time wrapped up in thought and doing what I do best, what I love to do, that means I must not care!
When will I stop being so blasted CALM? Why do I let myself be judged like this? Why don’t I DO something? Why can’t I hold on to the fury for once? Why can’t I just feel the rage? Why can’t I kick a wall, throw a fit, anything to let me know I’m a bloody stupid HUMAN?
But I already know the answer, and that just makes me feel sicker and sicker. It’s because that just wouldn’t be me. The world can’t go on without me. It needs me to be just what I am. I am the light of the world. I hold up the sky by virtue of my existence as a Son of God. I have to be what I AM.
I feel like the dark presence because I don’t do all those little things that people think I should. Does that really mean I don’t care? For the first time, I thought about wa;ling away from my family. But that wouldn’t be me either, because that wouldn’t be me either. There’s not a thing I don’t cherish!
This isn’t how it works, people. That isn’t how it works… at all!
Mom, Dad, Jonah, Maddy, Jacob… Elisa, Tom… Jacob… Janet, Nick… Rose, Krista… Philip… Iluv, DG, Bill… everyone. I hope you all know I care! I hope you all know you each have a place in me!
