I have no one to talk to that would understand..
in order to understand the person would have to know what its like to be in my religious family, and know our beliefs. but also would have to take into consideration the nonreligious side of it. and understand what its like to have a sister. but also have no personal feelings or connections about the situation.
My parents are religious, and my sister put me in a terrible situation of knowing she is a lesbian when I was only 13 years old.. not to mention the months leading up that I suspected but didn't know how to bring it up.
you have to keep in mind I've been home schooled my whole life and practically lived in a bubble, I didn't even know what gay was until I was 12, and all of a sudden I have a gay sister and the hard decision of whether or not to tell my parents (with the thought of maybe it was a phase and she just needed help to get out of it), or see if she would change her mind and grow out of it, or letting her be and let her tell our parents on her own when she's ready (which would be best for her).
but either way I would be hurting someone in the family... if I tell my parents they are heart-broken and might kick her out of house, and she would hate me for telling them. or if I let her go and keep my parents in the dark she'll continue lying about things and go on in a sinful life that could have possibly been prevented had I only told them sooner.. and there is also the fear of them hating me for not saying anything to help her when they do find out and find out that I knew.
I was 13 and I would cry over this decision almost every night for 2 years. and have never told one soul what I was/am going through.. I'm almost 20 now and I still think about it from time to time and I instantly cry because it hurts so much to remember those nights.
I would lie for her, cover for her, give her money when she spent all hers on her latest fling. but not once did she talk to me about how I was feeling about everything, or thank me for keeping her secrets quiet. and every time I had to lie for her or every time she got mad at me for not lying I would wonder why I was so concerned about someone who I'm growing to detest.
I still hate her every time I think about those nights and how I had no one there for me. and I don't know how to stop hating her, after all she is my sister and I'm stuck with her forever.. but she ruined years of my life because I fell into somewhat of a depression.. I didn't want to be around my family because I couldn't face them with this secret. the only time I was happy was when I was wasn't home, which wasn't often being that I was home schooled and thus didn't have many friends.
But every time I thought about how I had no one to talk to and how I wanted to tell my parents, I just thought about what she was going through.. sure I had a secret but it was her secret. she's the one living a secret life, I'm just living my life with a secret... the sympathy was 1 big thing that kept my mouth shut..not having many friends is one reason I had no one to talk to, that and I couldn't trust the few people I did have in my life not to say anything to her, my parents, or a mutual friend of ours.
This is just one reason I'm mad at my sister though.. I watched her cheat on girlfriend after girlfriend after girlfriend, and it completely destroyed my trust in people, and the way i looked at her. I have never even thought about dating and that is a big part of the reason..
I just don't know how to stop resenting her, or how to let it go..
My parents now know about her being gay but we don't talk about it.. its one of those don't ask don't tell situations.. me and my sister are pretty open about it, I've met her girlfriends and became close with them, but then she would cheat on them and I was left with another decision... do I tell her girlfriend that she's cheating, now that I've become friends with her as-well? or do I just stay out of her business? which was hard when I was her cover or had to lie when the girlfriend would text me looking for her.
our family has never been the type to talk about things so that just makes things worse.
so I stick to venting with my keyboard.
Any thoughts? comments? questions?
in order to understand the person would have to know what its like to be in my religious family, and know our beliefs. but also would have to take into consideration the nonreligious side of it. and understand what its like to have a sister. but also have no personal feelings or connections about the situation.
My parents are religious, and my sister put me in a terrible situation of knowing she is a lesbian when I was only 13 years old.. not to mention the months leading up that I suspected but didn't know how to bring it up.
you have to keep in mind I've been home schooled my whole life and practically lived in a bubble, I didn't even know what gay was until I was 12, and all of a sudden I have a gay sister and the hard decision of whether or not to tell my parents (with the thought of maybe it was a phase and she just needed help to get out of it), or see if she would change her mind and grow out of it, or letting her be and let her tell our parents on her own when she's ready (which would be best for her).
but either way I would be hurting someone in the family... if I tell my parents they are heart-broken and might kick her out of house, and she would hate me for telling them. or if I let her go and keep my parents in the dark she'll continue lying about things and go on in a sinful life that could have possibly been prevented had I only told them sooner.. and there is also the fear of them hating me for not saying anything to help her when they do find out and find out that I knew.
I was 13 and I would cry over this decision almost every night for 2 years. and have never told one soul what I was/am going through.. I'm almost 20 now and I still think about it from time to time and I instantly cry because it hurts so much to remember those nights.
I would lie for her, cover for her, give her money when she spent all hers on her latest fling. but not once did she talk to me about how I was feeling about everything, or thank me for keeping her secrets quiet. and every time I had to lie for her or every time she got mad at me for not lying I would wonder why I was so concerned about someone who I'm growing to detest.
I still hate her every time I think about those nights and how I had no one there for me. and I don't know how to stop hating her, after all she is my sister and I'm stuck with her forever.. but she ruined years of my life because I fell into somewhat of a depression.. I didn't want to be around my family because I couldn't face them with this secret. the only time I was happy was when I was wasn't home, which wasn't often being that I was home schooled and thus didn't have many friends.
But every time I thought about how I had no one to talk to and how I wanted to tell my parents, I just thought about what she was going through.. sure I had a secret but it was her secret. she's the one living a secret life, I'm just living my life with a secret... the sympathy was 1 big thing that kept my mouth shut..not having many friends is one reason I had no one to talk to, that and I couldn't trust the few people I did have in my life not to say anything to her, my parents, or a mutual friend of ours.
This is just one reason I'm mad at my sister though.. I watched her cheat on girlfriend after girlfriend after girlfriend, and it completely destroyed my trust in people, and the way i looked at her. I have never even thought about dating and that is a big part of the reason..
I just don't know how to stop resenting her, or how to let it go..
My parents now know about her being gay but we don't talk about it.. its one of those don't ask don't tell situations.. me and my sister are pretty open about it, I've met her girlfriends and became close with them, but then she would cheat on them and I was left with another decision... do I tell her girlfriend that she's cheating, now that I've become friends with her as-well? or do I just stay out of her business? which was hard when I was her cover or had to lie when the girlfriend would text me looking for her.
our family has never been the type to talk about things so that just makes things worse.
so I stick to venting with my keyboard.
Any thoughts? comments? questions?
