I have been trying to find out what is wrong with me...I get these spells, they are bad...I have been having them for decades...alot of the symptoms are the same as panic and/or anxiety...I also get a sour stomach and and I have alot of physical pain from being tensed up all the time and extreme exhaustion...
everything starts with a thought, I learned this in my previous support group for anxiety.
I hate myself....
I hate myself for all the stupid mistakes I have made and for the lousy choices I have made and the for the debt I have incurred (student loans) and for never wanting to be have employment or be like "normal" people.
For having "screwed up" my life and for always being in lack.
It's overwhemling. It's constant and it is intense.
I take better care of myself now, since learning to care for myself but I don't like it and don't feel deserving of it. I have lost around 70 lbs in 5 years and my health is good except for this self hatred.
And though most if not all my transgressions occured during--as a result of--ptsd I cannot forgive myself.
Then I heard this: I don't even judge myself--ST. PAUL
DO not judge, Jesus said
yet I judge myself---and judge myself harshly.
So for 2 days I have been kinder to myself. Hating myself, regretting things I have done is non productive.
And though the action is self hatred, the fear is lack.
The fear of lack is the trigger of my claustaphobia. I spent much of my childhood locked in a bedroom , when I turned 18 I thought I was forever free but I continued to find or create circumstances that confined me ...I guess because I never knew anything else.
I continue to do this in overspending and then lacking the funds for food and bills...necessities. ....because in my brain there is still the belief I deserve to be confined and stiffled. My mother ....instilling in me that I "deserve" being hit, being confined, being stiffled.
I have spent most of my adult life in survival mode and never relaxing and enjoying life.
and because my body does not know how to relax I have decided I need medication....I stick to herbal remedies but I don't like to regularly take medication of anykind so I am lax in using them, but I know I need to and after time I will be okay if I am relaxed.
I really felt a need to journal this even though I am barely able to put it all into words. If I write it down, if I confess, if I don't stuff it, bite the bullet hate myself for hating myself...healing will occur.
everything starts with a thought, I learned this in my previous support group for anxiety.
I hate myself....
I hate myself for all the stupid mistakes I have made and for the lousy choices I have made and the for the debt I have incurred (student loans) and for never wanting to be have employment or be like "normal" people.
For having "screwed up" my life and for always being in lack.
It's overwhemling. It's constant and it is intense.
I take better care of myself now, since learning to care for myself but I don't like it and don't feel deserving of it. I have lost around 70 lbs in 5 years and my health is good except for this self hatred.
And though most if not all my transgressions occured during--as a result of--ptsd I cannot forgive myself.
Then I heard this: I don't even judge myself--ST. PAUL
DO not judge, Jesus said
yet I judge myself---and judge myself harshly.
So for 2 days I have been kinder to myself. Hating myself, regretting things I have done is non productive.
And though the action is self hatred, the fear is lack.
The fear of lack is the trigger of my claustaphobia. I spent much of my childhood locked in a bedroom , when I turned 18 I thought I was forever free but I continued to find or create circumstances that confined me ...I guess because I never knew anything else.
I continue to do this in overspending and then lacking the funds for food and bills...necessities. ....because in my brain there is still the belief I deserve to be confined and stiffled. My mother ....instilling in me that I "deserve" being hit, being confined, being stiffled.
I have spent most of my adult life in survival mode and never relaxing and enjoying life.
and because my body does not know how to relax I have decided I need medication....I stick to herbal remedies but I don't like to regularly take medication of anykind so I am lax in using them, but I know I need to and after time I will be okay if I am relaxed.
I really felt a need to journal this even though I am barely able to put it all into words. If I write it down, if I confess, if I don't stuff it, bite the bullet hate myself for hating myself...healing will occur.
