Death of a relationship

What do you say when a relationship dies? When what you thought you had no longer exists? The woman I considered my grandmother, isn't anymore. So, this is a memorial to person who hasn't yet died. But has died to me already. Back in March she had two heart attacks in one day and two surgeries in two days. That's what caused all of this. I guess when you face death, things get clear, you reevaluate your life, and when that happens you see what is really important and who is and isn't. Long story short, my former grandmother who is really great aunt, and her daughter who is my really my 2nd cousin (You see my dad was adopted by his biological uncle and his aunt by marriage.) told my father that he was welcome to come and see his mother, but that I his daughter wasn't allowed. Don't bother asking why, because I don't even know why. But for whatever reason I was banned from coming. Fast forward 5 months, and it's been at least two months since I've talked to her last. She's called only twice since getting out of the hospital, and my mom's called her twice. That's unusual because my mom's never had to call her more than once.

And I've only talked to her twice since March. But, now I'm left with feeling loss, confusion, and I don't know what to do with this. How do you mourn someone who's not really dead? I guess families of Alzheimer's patients face this question every day their loved one gets worse. But my great aunt doesn't have that. It seems that facing death caused her to suddenly and for no reason turn her back on me. Her and her daughter. That is saying this was sudden. Maybe the clues were there all along, but I just didn't see them. I think back to all of those summers I spent well into my teen years, visiting my great aunt who by the time I was 17 had moved in with my 2nd cousin. I was still visiting my great aunt well into my early 20's. But looking back, she'd always insist I plan my visits when my 2nd cousin and her husband would be out of town. Now, I'm wondering why. Maybe because she knew that they didn't really want to be around me. Were they only tolerating me? Did they even really care? Were they thinking the whole time, "is she ever going home" ? Add to that, the last time I spoke to my father was Father's Day, and the last time he called was two weeks later. I don't even think he left a message. I can only speculate that he's angry with me. It could be that he found out what I wrote on my myspace page. In my blog there, I vented, very emotionally I might add about the injustice of not being allowed to go and see my "grandmother" . A fact, that was viewed with hatred, and anger by my "cousins" who are really my 3rd cousins.

They were angry because I was placing the blame for this on my second cousin (their mother), but was their mother who was the one who said I couldn't come to see my great aunt. Or maybe he's mad for some other reason. I really don't know. All I do know is that it feels like I've lost my family. Or at least a part of it. And it feels like my whole life has been a lie. That those memories I have, the times I spent with my great aunt, everything has been a lie. I'm not her family. Not anymore. Maybe I never was. She did after all adopt my dad. She didn't adopt me. My grandfather wanted to, but she said no. She said it was because of my mom, which is a plausible excuse. But maybe there was another reason? I guess, I'll never know. But I do know one thing. My "grandmother" is dead. Not in body, but in spirit. She's dead to me. And I no longer have a grandmother, but a great aunt. I'll always wonder why, and what happened. Maybe she saw her sister-in-law, my true grandmother in me. I do favor her in looks. I have a lot of her features. Maybe she saw, Mary Alice in me. And maybe that caused her to on some level resent me. They had a troubled history, and it could be that when she looks at me, she no longer sees me as her granddaughter, but Mary's. Again, that's something I'll never know. All I do know is that I can't go back to the way things were.