Dawn, i am/was a prodigal daughter(standing naked before "Jesus" i am/was a prodigal daughter, yes i was saved at 12, in a Hell Fire and Brimstone Southern Baptist Church(in Oregon). i knew Jesus as Saviour for years. My precious mum toted us all to Church, dad stayed home. i started not going when i was 17(worked graveshift Saturday) excuses, excuses. i was very very innocent to the ways of the world. growing up without TV was definately from The Lord--PTL!!--at 18 and 1/2, i started the downward spiral that went on for quite a few years. smoking and men(have never smoked pot and alcohol even 1/2 cup of wine will cause me to vomit)--PTL!!(alcoholism does run on my dad's side of the family and allergic reactions run on my mums)
FOOD has been my choice for years. i was a 1131b 1st grader, the tallest and a straight A student(3 strikes i'm out)--(pain and tears)--when i was 12, i had a knife to my wrist, my mum drove up just as i had the knife to my wrist(PTL)--took years for me to know why i was so depressed.
At 5'10" i can carry my weight pretty well, during my Senior year of High School i was at goal(150)--36-24-37. Yet when i looked in the mirror i did not see Dawn - Beautiful; i saw Dawn - Ugly, Fat and Disgusting!!!--The attention from guys would cause me to withdraw. It took a smooth talker to draw me out and promise me the moon(sound familiar??) to get what he wanted and discard me(he had a fiance and i was only a bet!!) i withdrew for awhile and started to gain weight again, had a really really really nice fiance(still think of him once in a while)-whom my parents really really really liked(kiss of death to an immature mind)--well--i met my ex husband in Seattle where i had moved. unbeknownst to me he was a "satanist"--how far had i gone from "Jesus"(in my mind really really really far) my ex was a very very very smooth talker and i fell(head over in heals in LUST)--from the beginning, the relationship was rocky. i had been told at 18 that i could not have children--so(in 1977) image my denial when at 20, i was pregnant(i told the Dr. he was lieing)--my ex(we were not married at the time) decided to go to San Francisco with EDDIE(his boyfriend) when i was almost due.
Note: i had, had thots of suicide while pregnant, and as i slowed down my car to get out and jump off the bridge "JESUS" asked me "what about the baby??"--i sought out Christian Counseling(this counseling agency also had resources for adoption--when i prayed about what todo, i had a funny strange feeling when i prayed about giving my baby up and peace when i prayed about keeping my baby!!
NOTE: i had had an appointment for an abortion and cancelled it--PTL!!(i am totally pro-life today-after my precious daughter was born, my guilt was overwhelming at the decision, i had made and unmade--PTL!!)
Let's get back to my ex, he stopped by before he left for San Francisco and changed his mind about going. He was in the delivery and for the most part was involved in our daughters' life-he went forward for salvation before we got married, i had been told repeatedly to "WAIT" by people in the CHURCH to see if his walk would "stick"--well as stubborn and bullheaded as i can be, i did not listen and married my ex, when our daughter was 8 months old, my ex left about 5 weeks later. I had found out that he had a girlfriend the very day we had gotten married. My ex moved in with her, i found where they lived and their roommate would let me in and i would clean the apt.--i prayed furvently for my ex to come home(again i did not wait for fruit)--he did about 3 months later. It Was HELL, and i divorced him sometime later.
Meanwhile he got on fire for "Jesus" and followed me all around town put tracts on my car, would have ministers call me up to tell me that "he loved me" at this time i was engaged to someone else.--In '82 we got remarried--Again HELL yet, i tried and tried to make things work. "I loved my husband--period!"
We had a daughter in 83, a son in 85 and a daughter in 87--while i was giving birth to our last daughter, the Dr. told me that my husband was at another hospital dying from a drug overdose, i said "SO!"(i had gotten numb where my husband was concerned)-- i had found out while i was pregnant that he was using IV drugs, and as i was breastfeeding our son, the possibilities of AIDS, through the breast milk and being passed onto the baby were very real, in my mind when i got tested. During the testing the DR. asked me "What are you going to do if you find out you have AIDS?" my response was to "get my life in order."--i had family who would have adopted my children if needed-back then the HOPE of living with AIDS was considered ZERO!!--PTL!! the test was negative.---i was very very very involved in my House of Worship--and Forgave my ex for many many many things.--i divorced him for the 2nd time in 1990.(he lived in the basement of my home for about 5 years after we got divorced-with the understanding that he was there for the kids and to leave me ALONE!!)--one day when we were all scattering because he was coming upstairs i realized just how unhealthy this mess was-he would come up stairs and start yelling about what ever upset him, ie dirty dishes, clothes on the floor, laundry not done--etc etc.--i stood up to him and said "Either you get out of here or i will KILL YOU!"--he left that day.---Calm and Peace for quite some time. The children were really really involved in Church and were getting good grades.
1999-i married him for the 3rd time, and he left about 4/5 weeks later--he did not talk to me until i served him with divorce papers in July 2000. i got involved with a neighbor(who was an alcoholic which i did not understand or know until i was head over heels in LUST? with him) i left my family home (to live with this guy 2 homes away) until April of 2006. During this time "Jesus" wooed and wooed and wooed me back home, it got to the point of "what will you be doing when "Jesus" comes back"--i realized that i would be one of those who would be ashamed(as i would know i wasn't doing what i was supposed to be doing in/with Jesus i was living my life for myself and hurting my children in the process) it took a toll on me, i today have made amends with my precious children and yet there are times when the fallout of my absence, rears it's ugly head and i have to go to "Jesus" to give me wisdom on how to help the healing process of the wreckage of my self centered decision of living for me me me!! i still paid the bills, bought their food and kept the house over their head, i was not there to fight the Spiritual Battle that brewed over my 2 youngests head. My precious son got involved in drugs and alcohol and my precious youngest daughter got involved with those and had 3 babies(she has re-committed her life to Jesus and the growth is amazing--her and i pray together alot about the rest of the family) She is really really really close to her brother, whom i probably hurt the deepest, as we had and have always been closer then close. He is currently getting 3 hots and a cot courtesy of the county jail.<--OLD NEWS (TODAY HE'S BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER SINCE JAN 2010) I have a Word of Promise from "Jesus" about my son and that is that "He will be a Great and Mighty Man of God" i stand on that constantly. In 7/2008, i had a vision of my son and his lower half was covered in a Bright Light, with his body slightly turned away from me, about 2 months later i had the same vision only this time he is reaching toward "HEAVEN" and my daughter Miss Chris had a dream about her brother and in that dream he is in our home and is hugging all of us and saying "I am so sorry"--why all of the info??
There are many many many parents who abandon their kids, for their own selfish reasons, go on their merry way(even though i was 2 houses away and saw them almost everyday) OUR CHILDREN NEED US!!!--We were chosen by "Jesus" to be their parents, and NO ONE ELSE is suppose to do the job. The abandoning doesn't have to be leaving, it can be letting them go and do whatever, without consequences, giving them keys to the car without asking who, what, when, where and WHY!!!???--It can be letting the most important of all "THEIR SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE" left to someone or something else. If you had told me, that i would have ever let my precious children down, or hurt them like i did, i would not have believed it possible. YET I DID!!!
AS i HAVE SAID REPEATEDLY(in my bulletins and prayers for others) i AM a FALLIBLE HUMAN BEING, i AM SO THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL THAT "JESUS" LOVED ME SO MUCH THAT HE WOULD NOT LET ME GO AND SINCE COMING BACK HOME(INTO JESUS' ARMS) i have been so humbled and astounded at how far HE has brought me in the past few years. In May/2006 "Jesus" brought me through a ruptured appendicts(which i had had 2 days before i went to the hospital)--it had ruptured where it's attached to the intestines, and i was in the hospital for almost a week, it took almost 3 months for my surgery wound to completely heal closed.
WHY?? DID i WANT TO DIE AT 12, i DIDN'T KNOW FOR ABOUT 8 YEARS, AS i HAD BLOCKED OUT SEXUAL ABUSE AS A CHILD, --i FORGAVE THE PERPETRATOR WHEN HE WAS DYING - A NURSE AT THE HOSPITAL LED HIM TO "JESUS"--it was after i forgave him that i called the hospital and asked if anyone there would talk to him about "Jesus"--yes even in the last moments of a loved ones life "Jesus" can/will answer our prayers for their salvation!!!!
Today my ex is a Pastor, my daughters are serving Jesus, my precious son is "A great and mighty man of God"--"Faith the substance of things hoped for, the evidence things not yet seen"---AMEN!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Following Question..... While i was in the desert, there were many "Kings Kids" who were very willing to shoot me full of holes(i was already pretty holey). i want "Kings Kids" to think about being a Restorer not the bearing out of retributioner and try to restore a lost Brother/Sister in/with Jesus. And not to judge them with their Jesus yardstick(their finite belief caught up in judgement of anothers actions) My circumstances at the time were not contagious(or permanent), and my self perception and self deception did nothing to help me in getting out of it. "The Holy Spirit" nudged and nudged and nudged--it did get to the point of "What will you be doing? when Jesus comes back?-even then it took 2 years of nudges for me to come home. i am so Thankful that Jesus is willing to use even the most stubborn!! Now i am STUBBORN for JESUS!! AMEN!!
My hope & PRAYER...is for the ones who judged, that the next time that they may reach out in Love!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Open Heart Question is...if you were judging my actions by your "Jesus" yardstick, would i have gone to "Hell"(if i had died) or missed The Rapture (if "Jesus" would have come back while i was in the desert??) and why???(please use Scripture to back up your comments)
Of course you do not have to answer the question posed, on the blog there is room for comments, my hope is to "Jar the Junk" and rely on Scripture ONLY!! not years of doctrine and stuff Brothers and Sisters have heard without Searching Scripture on their own to be ready for an answer at All Times!!
Love You ALL, your Forever Sister Dawn(praise & joy-sunshine) HUGS!!
FOOD has been my choice for years. i was a 1131b 1st grader, the tallest and a straight A student(3 strikes i'm out)--(pain and tears)--when i was 12, i had a knife to my wrist, my mum drove up just as i had the knife to my wrist(PTL)--took years for me to know why i was so depressed.
At 5'10" i can carry my weight pretty well, during my Senior year of High School i was at goal(150)--36-24-37. Yet when i looked in the mirror i did not see Dawn - Beautiful; i saw Dawn - Ugly, Fat and Disgusting!!!--The attention from guys would cause me to withdraw. It took a smooth talker to draw me out and promise me the moon(sound familiar??) to get what he wanted and discard me(he had a fiance and i was only a bet!!) i withdrew for awhile and started to gain weight again, had a really really really nice fiance(still think of him once in a while)-whom my parents really really really liked(kiss of death to an immature mind)--well--i met my ex husband in Seattle where i had moved. unbeknownst to me he was a "satanist"--how far had i gone from "Jesus"(in my mind really really really far) my ex was a very very very smooth talker and i fell(head over in heals in LUST)--from the beginning, the relationship was rocky. i had been told at 18 that i could not have children--so(in 1977) image my denial when at 20, i was pregnant(i told the Dr. he was lieing)--my ex(we were not married at the time) decided to go to San Francisco with EDDIE(his boyfriend) when i was almost due.
Note: i had, had thots of suicide while pregnant, and as i slowed down my car to get out and jump off the bridge "JESUS" asked me "what about the baby??"--i sought out Christian Counseling(this counseling agency also had resources for adoption--when i prayed about what todo, i had a funny strange feeling when i prayed about giving my baby up and peace when i prayed about keeping my baby!!
NOTE: i had had an appointment for an abortion and cancelled it--PTL!!(i am totally pro-life today-after my precious daughter was born, my guilt was overwhelming at the decision, i had made and unmade--PTL!!)
Let's get back to my ex, he stopped by before he left for San Francisco and changed his mind about going. He was in the delivery and for the most part was involved in our daughters' life-he went forward for salvation before we got married, i had been told repeatedly to "WAIT" by people in the CHURCH to see if his walk would "stick"--well as stubborn and bullheaded as i can be, i did not listen and married my ex, when our daughter was 8 months old, my ex left about 5 weeks later. I had found out that he had a girlfriend the very day we had gotten married. My ex moved in with her, i found where they lived and their roommate would let me in and i would clean the apt.--i prayed furvently for my ex to come home(again i did not wait for fruit)--he did about 3 months later. It Was HELL, and i divorced him sometime later.
Meanwhile he got on fire for "Jesus" and followed me all around town put tracts on my car, would have ministers call me up to tell me that "he loved me" at this time i was engaged to someone else.--In '82 we got remarried--Again HELL yet, i tried and tried to make things work. "I loved my husband--period!"
We had a daughter in 83, a son in 85 and a daughter in 87--while i was giving birth to our last daughter, the Dr. told me that my husband was at another hospital dying from a drug overdose, i said "SO!"(i had gotten numb where my husband was concerned)-- i had found out while i was pregnant that he was using IV drugs, and as i was breastfeeding our son, the possibilities of AIDS, through the breast milk and being passed onto the baby were very real, in my mind when i got tested. During the testing the DR. asked me "What are you going to do if you find out you have AIDS?" my response was to "get my life in order."--i had family who would have adopted my children if needed-back then the HOPE of living with AIDS was considered ZERO!!--PTL!! the test was negative.---i was very very very involved in my House of Worship--and Forgave my ex for many many many things.--i divorced him for the 2nd time in 1990.(he lived in the basement of my home for about 5 years after we got divorced-with the understanding that he was there for the kids and to leave me ALONE!!)--one day when we were all scattering because he was coming upstairs i realized just how unhealthy this mess was-he would come up stairs and start yelling about what ever upset him, ie dirty dishes, clothes on the floor, laundry not done--etc etc.--i stood up to him and said "Either you get out of here or i will KILL YOU!"--he left that day.---Calm and Peace for quite some time. The children were really really involved in Church and were getting good grades.
1999-i married him for the 3rd time, and he left about 4/5 weeks later--he did not talk to me until i served him with divorce papers in July 2000. i got involved with a neighbor(who was an alcoholic which i did not understand or know until i was head over heels in LUST? with him) i left my family home (to live with this guy 2 homes away) until April of 2006. During this time "Jesus" wooed and wooed and wooed me back home, it got to the point of "what will you be doing when "Jesus" comes back"--i realized that i would be one of those who would be ashamed(as i would know i wasn't doing what i was supposed to be doing in/with Jesus i was living my life for myself and hurting my children in the process) it took a toll on me, i today have made amends with my precious children and yet there are times when the fallout of my absence, rears it's ugly head and i have to go to "Jesus" to give me wisdom on how to help the healing process of the wreckage of my self centered decision of living for me me me!! i still paid the bills, bought their food and kept the house over their head, i was not there to fight the Spiritual Battle that brewed over my 2 youngests head. My precious son got involved in drugs and alcohol and my precious youngest daughter got involved with those and had 3 babies(she has re-committed her life to Jesus and the growth is amazing--her and i pray together alot about the rest of the family) She is really really really close to her brother, whom i probably hurt the deepest, as we had and have always been closer then close. He is currently getting 3 hots and a cot courtesy of the county jail.<--OLD NEWS (TODAY HE'S BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER SINCE JAN 2010) I have a Word of Promise from "Jesus" about my son and that is that "He will be a Great and Mighty Man of God" i stand on that constantly. In 7/2008, i had a vision of my son and his lower half was covered in a Bright Light, with his body slightly turned away from me, about 2 months later i had the same vision only this time he is reaching toward "HEAVEN" and my daughter Miss Chris had a dream about her brother and in that dream he is in our home and is hugging all of us and saying "I am so sorry"--why all of the info??
There are many many many parents who abandon their kids, for their own selfish reasons, go on their merry way(even though i was 2 houses away and saw them almost everyday) OUR CHILDREN NEED US!!!--We were chosen by "Jesus" to be their parents, and NO ONE ELSE is suppose to do the job. The abandoning doesn't have to be leaving, it can be letting them go and do whatever, without consequences, giving them keys to the car without asking who, what, when, where and WHY!!!???--It can be letting the most important of all "THEIR SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE" left to someone or something else. If you had told me, that i would have ever let my precious children down, or hurt them like i did, i would not have believed it possible. YET I DID!!!
AS i HAVE SAID REPEATEDLY(in my bulletins and prayers for others) i AM a FALLIBLE HUMAN BEING, i AM SO THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL THAT "JESUS" LOVED ME SO MUCH THAT HE WOULD NOT LET ME GO AND SINCE COMING BACK HOME(INTO JESUS' ARMS) i have been so humbled and astounded at how far HE has brought me in the past few years. In May/2006 "Jesus" brought me through a ruptured appendicts(which i had had 2 days before i went to the hospital)--it had ruptured where it's attached to the intestines, and i was in the hospital for almost a week, it took almost 3 months for my surgery wound to completely heal closed.
WHY?? DID i WANT TO DIE AT 12, i DIDN'T KNOW FOR ABOUT 8 YEARS, AS i HAD BLOCKED OUT SEXUAL ABUSE AS A CHILD, --i FORGAVE THE PERPETRATOR WHEN HE WAS DYING - A NURSE AT THE HOSPITAL LED HIM TO "JESUS"--it was after i forgave him that i called the hospital and asked if anyone there would talk to him about "Jesus"--yes even in the last moments of a loved ones life "Jesus" can/will answer our prayers for their salvation!!!!
Today my ex is a Pastor, my daughters are serving Jesus, my precious son is "A great and mighty man of God"--"Faith the substance of things hoped for, the evidence things not yet seen"---AMEN!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Following Question..... While i was in the desert, there were many "Kings Kids" who were very willing to shoot me full of holes(i was already pretty holey). i want "Kings Kids" to think about being a Restorer not the bearing out of retributioner and try to restore a lost Brother/Sister in/with Jesus. And not to judge them with their Jesus yardstick(their finite belief caught up in judgement of anothers actions) My circumstances at the time were not contagious(or permanent), and my self perception and self deception did nothing to help me in getting out of it. "The Holy Spirit" nudged and nudged and nudged--it did get to the point of "What will you be doing? when Jesus comes back?-even then it took 2 years of nudges for me to come home. i am so Thankful that Jesus is willing to use even the most stubborn!! Now i am STUBBORN for JESUS!! AMEN!!
My hope & PRAYER...is for the ones who judged, that the next time that they may reach out in Love!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Open Heart Question is...if you were judging my actions by your "Jesus" yardstick, would i have gone to "Hell"(if i had died) or missed The Rapture (if "Jesus" would have come back while i was in the desert??) and why???(please use Scripture to back up your comments)
Of course you do not have to answer the question posed, on the blog there is room for comments, my hope is to "Jar the Junk" and rely on Scripture ONLY!! not years of doctrine and stuff Brothers and Sisters have heard without Searching Scripture on their own to be ready for an answer at All Times!!
Love You ALL, your Forever Sister Dawn(praise & joy-sunshine) HUGS!!
