Each day for me now is a miracle of change, my reactions to life so very different, and even the most mundane has become a source of wonder. It's certainly not that everything is now going smoothly, and everything I pray for or desire is granted. Far from it! But You, Father, are so present and real, and 'in' every breath.
I remember back to a fall when we were raking leaves with my parents, and I attacked the distasteful task with my usual overzealous vigor . . "the faster I get this done, the sooner I can get on to something else I really WANT to do." And soon I'd be exhausted, long before the task was done. My mother, never a teacher, grumbled at me to pace myself so I didn't burn out. Perhaps she was less good teacher as was I good student/listener. We can be so blind to our own faults.
Everything that seemed so fragile, so tenuous, so subjective and relative . . rests now on a foundation of peace and contentment. Something I had begun to think was only meant for others, for good people who were smarter or wiser or richer than me, and never me. And the most wonderful thing about it all is that it has turned me inside outwards. As I no longer have my own lacks and flaws and troubles and worries centermost in my mind, I find I can love others more purely, find ways to show them the love they too ache for, and drink from an bottomless cup of patience and grace.
When passion does not wrap me up in disappointment as a plan goes awry ~ as this weekend, where an encroaching cold refused to be tamed, and a day at home became the time I needed to read a book that was exactly what I needed to hear ~ I find that this trust in His leading makes every step an adventure. Random things converge to bring me to the perfect song on the radio that leads my heart into tearful worship, the perfect friend to bump into to find out exactly where they need prayer, the perfect timing to arrive at the home of a sick relative to give him a hand . . and on and on.
And in those times, yes there are still times, where life seems to hammer at my self-worth, there is always this perfect solid rock beneath and inside me to return to stand on . . warm and bright and energizing. As undependable and weak and unwise and uncomely as I am, I have come to love myself again, only because the truth of how dearly he does the very same is essential to my becoming the channel of blessing to someone else who so desperately needs to hear it. A life lived in joyful expectance, hope and beauty is perhaps the most magnificent witness to His reality as anyone can find.
I remember back to a fall when we were raking leaves with my parents, and I attacked the distasteful task with my usual overzealous vigor . . "the faster I get this done, the sooner I can get on to something else I really WANT to do." And soon I'd be exhausted, long before the task was done. My mother, never a teacher, grumbled at me to pace myself so I didn't burn out. Perhaps she was less good teacher as was I good student/listener. We can be so blind to our own faults.
Everything that seemed so fragile, so tenuous, so subjective and relative . . rests now on a foundation of peace and contentment. Something I had begun to think was only meant for others, for good people who were smarter or wiser or richer than me, and never me. And the most wonderful thing about it all is that it has turned me inside outwards. As I no longer have my own lacks and flaws and troubles and worries centermost in my mind, I find I can love others more purely, find ways to show them the love they too ache for, and drink from an bottomless cup of patience and grace.
When passion does not wrap me up in disappointment as a plan goes awry ~ as this weekend, where an encroaching cold refused to be tamed, and a day at home became the time I needed to read a book that was exactly what I needed to hear ~ I find that this trust in His leading makes every step an adventure. Random things converge to bring me to the perfect song on the radio that leads my heart into tearful worship, the perfect friend to bump into to find out exactly where they need prayer, the perfect timing to arrive at the home of a sick relative to give him a hand . . and on and on.
And in those times, yes there are still times, where life seems to hammer at my self-worth, there is always this perfect solid rock beneath and inside me to return to stand on . . warm and bright and energizing. As undependable and weak and unwise and uncomely as I am, I have come to love myself again, only because the truth of how dearly he does the very same is essential to my becoming the channel of blessing to someone else who so desperately needs to hear it. A life lived in joyful expectance, hope and beauty is perhaps the most magnificent witness to His reality as anyone can find.
