So I came to a local coffee shop that I like to visit every once in a while to finish off my blog entry and relax, and turns out they don’t have wifi! I could have sworn I had seen people here using their computers before, but I guess they were just doing work that didn’t require internet. Oh well, now I know! Haha. From now on when I want to get on the internet and enjoy a drink, I will go to Caribou J In the meantime, I am still going to do what I came here to do, via Microsoft Word.
So I finally went to church this morning. I was even distracted during church, even though I tried to focus and prayed about it. I was able to pay attention a little. The sermon definitely related to me and made me think. It was about joy during the hard times. Especially last night, I felt like I hit a dead end with Adam trying to discuss the adoption with him and include him in the plans and decisions (which are all sort of last-minute things at this point, since e due date is getting closer and closer). I was SO frustrated and angry last night. I literally couldn’t sleep because of all the potential conversation and thoughts running through my head. The last thing on my mind was “joy”. In fact, I have felt so joyful and excited about giving birth and giving such an amazing gift to a deserving and Godly family in the past, and I felt that slipping away. Everything that has been going on lately is turning out differently than I thought it would. I thought Adam would be here with me and beside me through this process and during the birth. But instead of focusing on how distraught that makes me feel, I now realize that this was God’s plan. Maybe getting back together with him was wrong. No doubt, this situation WILL make me stronger, as I am forced to rely fully on Jesus for my strength and for support during these trials. I feel extremely blessed that God has given me such a peace about the adoption. I am not dealing with the doubts that many women face in this situation.
As Steve quoted Phillipians 4:5-8 this morning, I realised that, like many things (and many times I overlook these obvious signs) what we are to do is spelled out SO clearly in the bible. The main thing that stood out to me in this verse that I have read so many times before was that we are to remain gentle and not agitated. Last night, I went through so many scenarios in my mind of ways that I would deal with Adam. The things I was considering saying and/or doing were not gentle. I guess the flesh in me felt like I had been forgiving and caring so many times, and it always just came back to bite me in the butt. But where does anger get you? At least when you are gentle and peaceful, you have a sense of calm the majority of the time that comes from God. In a way, that makes me an easy target for anger from others at times. But from past experience, what I have seen is that people who are so full of bitterness and agitation will, in the end, recognise your calm and mirror it.
So the way for me to deal with this situation became so much more clear this morning. Being gentle and showing Christ’s love doesn’t mean I’m “giving in”. I don’t need to prove anything to Adam or try to teach him a lesson. That’s up to God. He knows EXACTLY what Adam needs to get his life on track. That’s not for me to know, or for me to try to control. All God wants me to do is model His behavior. So, that’s what I will do. I will continue to be kind and gentle. I will avoid confict. I will PRAY for him. The rest is up to God.
Lord, please keep me strong as I retain this kind nature. You know that when I am feeling peaceful about things, I can tend to let in feelings that do not belong. I need to be careful. Keep me careful, Father. Amen.
So I finally went to church this morning. I was even distracted during church, even though I tried to focus and prayed about it. I was able to pay attention a little. The sermon definitely related to me and made me think. It was about joy during the hard times. Especially last night, I felt like I hit a dead end with Adam trying to discuss the adoption with him and include him in the plans and decisions (which are all sort of last-minute things at this point, since e due date is getting closer and closer). I was SO frustrated and angry last night. I literally couldn’t sleep because of all the potential conversation and thoughts running through my head. The last thing on my mind was “joy”. In fact, I have felt so joyful and excited about giving birth and giving such an amazing gift to a deserving and Godly family in the past, and I felt that slipping away. Everything that has been going on lately is turning out differently than I thought it would. I thought Adam would be here with me and beside me through this process and during the birth. But instead of focusing on how distraught that makes me feel, I now realize that this was God’s plan. Maybe getting back together with him was wrong. No doubt, this situation WILL make me stronger, as I am forced to rely fully on Jesus for my strength and for support during these trials. I feel extremely blessed that God has given me such a peace about the adoption. I am not dealing with the doubts that many women face in this situation.
As Steve quoted Phillipians 4:5-8 this morning, I realised that, like many things (and many times I overlook these obvious signs) what we are to do is spelled out SO clearly in the bible. The main thing that stood out to me in this verse that I have read so many times before was that we are to remain gentle and not agitated. Last night, I went through so many scenarios in my mind of ways that I would deal with Adam. The things I was considering saying and/or doing were not gentle. I guess the flesh in me felt like I had been forgiving and caring so many times, and it always just came back to bite me in the butt. But where does anger get you? At least when you are gentle and peaceful, you have a sense of calm the majority of the time that comes from God. In a way, that makes me an easy target for anger from others at times. But from past experience, what I have seen is that people who are so full of bitterness and agitation will, in the end, recognise your calm and mirror it.
So the way for me to deal with this situation became so much more clear this morning. Being gentle and showing Christ’s love doesn’t mean I’m “giving in”. I don’t need to prove anything to Adam or try to teach him a lesson. That’s up to God. He knows EXACTLY what Adam needs to get his life on track. That’s not for me to know, or for me to try to control. All God wants me to do is model His behavior. So, that’s what I will do. I will continue to be kind and gentle. I will avoid confict. I will PRAY for him. The rest is up to God.
Lord, please keep me strong as I retain this kind nature. You know that when I am feeling peaceful about things, I can tend to let in feelings that do not belong. I need to be careful. Keep me careful, Father. Amen.
