Im a bit confused as to where Im at right now. I feel like I have lost myself, lost who I am and what I want, lost my opinions and my views on several things. Im afraid that Im losing myself because peoples opinions and wants of me have run my life for so long that I dont know where Im at with life, I think its the reason that I have stopped going to church, stopped going to youth group. At first it was all about being judged, I am who I am and Im not going to change just to make people happy with me, and I shouldnt want to do that either. Im not here for other people to mould me and change me into what they want me to be and Im sick of this attitude towards me. I think that for some reason I thought that I had to fit into a certain category, a goth, a hippie, a punk, a conservative christian etc. But I think at the time I kinda knew that I would never be able to be categorized, and I knew that certain people wouldnt approve of the real me...so I backed off, put my wall up.
Ive been talking to a few people on here, and I realised something...they dont fit into categories either. They can be themselves and the churches they go to and the people they hang out with are fine with who they are. I guess in my mind I thought I had to be one of those Christians that wore a skirt down to her knees, top that stops at the neck and have a no nonsense look about her. How wrong I have been. I love my heavy metal angry music, I love Metallica, I love this so called evil music. I love the gothy burlesque look, i love violent movies, violent games. I love the stuff that people consider dodgy or risky or whatever, but after talking to a few people Ive discovered that its ok. If I go around in black studded pants and a tallica shirt, then so what, dont judge me for it. Its not their place to judge me, they are just clothes, Im not going out and performing any dodgy rituals or anything. I like what I like and Im not going to repress or ignore it. Its who I am, and believe it or not, I kinda like the character that I have.
Even the things I proclaimed I wanted to do, they were in my mind the things that a Good Christian does, I didnt actually have the desire in my heart to do them. I just thought it was what people would want me to do within the church, and thats not right. I guess I was feeling the pressure to be the idealist good Christian.
I was also starting to feel a bit iffy about the worship shown to Jesus, It seems the only trust I have in my faith is towards the Lord in the sky, Im not really trusting a man who says he is God in flesh or the words that have been written.
So yeah...confused..
Ive been talking to a few people on here, and I realised something...they dont fit into categories either. They can be themselves and the churches they go to and the people they hang out with are fine with who they are. I guess in my mind I thought I had to be one of those Christians that wore a skirt down to her knees, top that stops at the neck and have a no nonsense look about her. How wrong I have been. I love my heavy metal angry music, I love Metallica, I love this so called evil music. I love the gothy burlesque look, i love violent movies, violent games. I love the stuff that people consider dodgy or risky or whatever, but after talking to a few people Ive discovered that its ok. If I go around in black studded pants and a tallica shirt, then so what, dont judge me for it. Its not their place to judge me, they are just clothes, Im not going out and performing any dodgy rituals or anything. I like what I like and Im not going to repress or ignore it. Its who I am, and believe it or not, I kinda like the character that I have.
Even the things I proclaimed I wanted to do, they were in my mind the things that a Good Christian does, I didnt actually have the desire in my heart to do them. I just thought it was what people would want me to do within the church, and thats not right. I guess I was feeling the pressure to be the idealist good Christian.
I was also starting to feel a bit iffy about the worship shown to Jesus, It seems the only trust I have in my faith is towards the Lord in the sky, Im not really trusting a man who says he is God in flesh or the words that have been written.
So yeah...confused..
