We often think of the single person as one would think of a single sock, a single shoe, or a single earring. I say this because we think of the single person without a partner as someone who is not complete, that something is missing from their lives. Without that partner, the assumption of many is that one is left not ever being whole. This is something that we as singles struggle with, and something that society teaches us. Yet, this is so far from the truth. However, due to a of pressure around us on this topic as a single person, and especially as a Christian single, we often find ourselves buying into this. Marriage is what is expected and in turn, it is something we feel is lacking from our lives. Perhaps if we were to get married and have this great accomplishment in our lives, we would fit into society. Perhaps then we would be seen as whole and having a place in society that is thought more “highly” of.
It's true that singles often seem to be the most neglected in society. They fall through the cracks in many different areas, including church. If that is not enough, the pressure that we often get from friends and family about “when are we going to get married” weigh on us even more. We may be wanting to get married but the pressure makes it worse. It is as if marriage is an accomplishment in life that must happen. However, as a Christian, we should be waiting for God's timing and not listening to what others say about us, or about our singleness. Although what others think about us is not our main drive as to why we want to get married, it is still something that we find ourselves dealing with on top of our frusteration due to our unmet desires and the endless search for the perfect soulmate.
We find ourselves pining away for that special someone that we know has “got” to be out there somewhere. We dream of the day when two hearts will be one, when our singleness will be no more and when we will find ourselves in the arms of true love. As time goes by and the last mr or miss right turns into another mr or miss wrong, leaving us to heal another wounded heart, we start to wonder if there is someone there for us, and if not, why? Is there something wrong with us? Do we need to gain weight? Loss weight? Change something about our personality? Post more profiles online? Go to more places to meet singles? I mean why indeed are we still here waiting when the wedding bells continue to toll for others who don't seem to have it all together as much as we do or have even desired it as much and for as long. It's hard to understand what we see happening. We have a good job and can support a wife, so why did that guy who doesn't work find a girl? We know how to care for a house and love kids, so why did that other woman who wants others to care for her and refuses to do anything...why did she find a man? With each failed date, each wedding that is not our own, we find ourselves trying to hide our dissappointment. Inside we find ourselves wondering what “they” have that we don't have that got them true love. And once again we find ourselves sinking into the background, sinking into our misreable feelings, wondering if we will ever find that “someone” that has “got” to be out there for us.
We read in self help books that we need to try and better ourselves so that we are ready for the person of our dreams. We hear that we shouldn't waste our singleness and see it as a gift. Yet we have been trying to better ourselves for years and yet there seems to be no mr or miss right in sight. How do we keep going when each date turns into a disaster or the person never calls us back? And just around the time that it seems the other person is really interested, they vanish into thin air or a long term relationship crumbles to the ground.
So all of this begs these questions: Is there someone out there for me? What do I do while I wait? And if there isn't someone out there for me then why has God given me these desires?
There has to be someone out there for each of us, right? After all, if we have desires and they are good desires, God will grant those to us, right? We read in scripture that God said that it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18) and He said to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth (Genesis 1:28). So how do we get “there”?
First off, I want to address this “preparing” for one's future spouse. I've read a lot of dating books in my twenty-four years of living, and many address the issue of what we do while we wait. The main discussion that I have read is that while we wait, we should use that time to prepare ourselves for the one that God has for us. We should better ourselves as a person so that when the time comes, we are not lacking. I feel the need to address this differently. As a single person I have been led along with everyone else in thinking that if I change myself then pershaps then I will find the right person for me or perhaps then God will see that I am ready for a spouse. Yet, I think that we are focusing on the wrong idea here. We should not be focusing on us, but focusing on who we are in Christ.
Our reason for living, I believe, is to grow closer to God and to seeek Him first. This is the same for those who are single and for those who are married. If we read the Bible we will know that God's desire for us is that we deepen our relationship with Him so that we might know Him. He wants us to seek Him with all our hearts and to put self last. So in this “waiting” as a single, I think that our life needs to be focused on Christ, on knowing Him and becoming more like Him. I think if we do that then we will be ready for the one that Christ has for us. We are focused on God and not on self. When we focus on ourselves we start to think that things are about us and when we think that things are about us we get disappointed when we do not get what we want, especially after we have done all we can on our own to obtain it. Yet if we focus on Christ then our eyes will be set on what is true and what will last. And, if we never meet that “someone” out there, all we are doing is for Christ, so how can it be lost? On the other hand if we are seeking to perfect ourselves for our own gain then time and time again when a date leads nowhere or a relationship ends, we wonder what we did wrong or why it didn't work. Yet if we are focusing on Christ then we find joy and contentment in knowing that we are doing what He called us to do and that His timing for us is different. We need to look at our reason for being single not as something that is about us (because we are doing something wrong, or something is wrong with us, etc...things that focus on “self” as the reason) and look to the truth that it is God's will that we are still single.
This then of course leads us to the old question of why, why are we still single? If we have this desire and it is not a sinful desire, than why has God not fulfilled it yet? Why did He give us desires if He wasn't going to let them come into existance? If we have been striving after Him, then why do we not yet have what we desire as the Bible says that if we delight ourselves in Him then He will give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4).
Never in my time as a single has anyone ever told me, “maybe there is just not someone out there for you.” It has always been, “be patient, God knows the right time” or “when you meet him you will know” and other sayings that basically just sum up the fact that it isn't God's timing and that we need to wait on Him. For many of us, this is the case. One day God's timing will be right and you will meet the person that God has for you. I believe that this is true and that we should wait patiently and seek Christ and not settle for something less because we are impatient.
Yet, something that I never hear is, “there might not be someone out there for you.” Pause. What if someone told you that? How would you respond? And yet, that is my very question for you. What if there is not someone out there for you? How would you respond in knowing that your desires for a spouse many never come true? How will you react towards God and towards life?
I believe that it is very possible that there is not someone out there for anyone. I am one of the most hopeless people when it comes to romance and wanting a prince charming, but it is time to face what God has been teaching me about the truth. Not all our desires will be met here on this earth.
We all know this, but I don't think it has been addressed much in terms of the single life. And once again I think that is the result of our society being caught up in believing that singleness is not wholeness and that to be complete, we must find someone. Therefore if we need to find someone to be complete and God wants us to be whole, there will be someone out there for us. Besides, He gaves us these desires, right? Yet, let us consider the following.
We all desire good family relationships and yet we know that this is not the norm, that many families are broken and full of deep issues. We all desire to live comfortably and yet we know that many people work hard and yet still struggle to make ends meet. We all desire to be healthy and yet we know that we often suffer from health problems. We all desire to have a good relationship with our spouse and that love will last but we know the rates of divorce.
This is a world of brokenness and unmet desires because this is a fallen world where sin abounds and where we are until we are called home to heaven. This brings me to a very important point that I showed in the last examples: not all of our desires are going to be met here on earth. That goes for our desire as a single to be married.
We accept the fact that not all those who want children will be able to have them. We accept the fact that there is brokeness in the world and that as long as we are here there will be pain and suffering. We learn that this is not because God doesn't love us, but because we are the part of this fallen world. Yet it is harder to accept that there may not be someone out there for us, and I think possiblity it is because no one has ever really told us that. We have been made to believe and to hope fully in something that may not be.
There is nothing wrong with believing and hoping, and I do not write this to dash your hopes or your dreams. I think we should all continue to hope and dream about the desires that we have and to pray about them all the more. However, I do feel that we need to know as singles that marriage will not come to all of us. God will not grant all our desires on this earth and it has nothing to do with us, but everything to do with God and His plans for us.
At this point you may feel angry at me, or feel that I have said something that is incorrect, or something that you cannot believe. Believe me, I understand. I myself would rather believe that there is someone out there for all of us. I am one who desires very strongly to get married, and yet, the truth has set me free. Let me explain.
I used to pine away for the one for me. I would often mope around and wonder what was wrong with me, or why God was punishing me for. And yet, with the truth, I realize that neither of these things are the case. In the first scenario I am focusing on myself and in the second, I have a wrong view of who God is. It is not because there is something wrong with me that I am single and God is not using singleness as a punishment, rather, He knows the plans that He has for me. And I know that although my desires may not all be fulfilled here on this earth, they will be in heaven.
This is to say that I have not become fully content with this realization for myself. There are times that I cry out to God for it to be His will that this desire be fullfilled here on this earth. I don't want to have to be the “strong” one if I am not to be married. I do not want this “cup” that God has given me if that be the case and I beg Him to take that away. Yet in this, I am learning something else. Surrender.
How to surrender to God, how to surrender our desires and ourselves. And in that, how we rejoice in Him and not turn away when it seems that He is failing us. God is not failing us and never will. Yet surrending is something that is extremely difficult to do. This is the battle that I face as a single. Each day I want to grow more and more like Christ and to put aside myself. This is just a part of it and I struggle with it emmensely. And yet, I think of what He had to surrender in order for our lives to be saved. There is no greater sacrafice. And if our sacrafice of our desires is what He asks for, is that not what we want?
And this is why I feel that as a single, we should strive to know Him because this is what will guide us and lead us through the rest of our lives, whether God asks us to remain single for a season or for this life. Being in a relationship does not make life worthwhile if it does not have Christ in it, and it will not make us happier if we do desire to follow Christ. There was a time in my life that I dated without seeking Christ to be first. Yes, I had the guy, but even so, I found myself desiring Christ and knowing I was not where I should be. Now I know that even though I am not with someone, I am seeking Christ-and that has made all the difference. I now have peace. Despite my desire to have a man, I am happier as a single than as I was dating someone who was not Christ focused.
This is not to say that I don't find myself crying some nights or wondering why it is I that is in this place, but knowing that God doesn't fulfill all our desires (and often for good reasons that we do not know) is a comfort for me. Knowing God better continues to help me to see this world and my circumstances in a different light. We can either turn our back on God when things don't go right, or we can use those times to help us grow closer to Him. Instead of focusing on what we can do on our own or for ourselves, focusing on Christ gives us a clear perspective.
I wish for all of you that read this that you may come to know Christ more fully, and that that will be the desire of your heart. Only God knows what He has planned. I encourage you to seek His face more frequently and to pray about your desires and that in everything, God's will be done. For He has paid the ultimate sacrafice for us and the servant is not above the master. Just remember that you are whole in Christ and that singleness does not make you incomplete. In Christ you are complete!
It's true that singles often seem to be the most neglected in society. They fall through the cracks in many different areas, including church. If that is not enough, the pressure that we often get from friends and family about “when are we going to get married” weigh on us even more. We may be wanting to get married but the pressure makes it worse. It is as if marriage is an accomplishment in life that must happen. However, as a Christian, we should be waiting for God's timing and not listening to what others say about us, or about our singleness. Although what others think about us is not our main drive as to why we want to get married, it is still something that we find ourselves dealing with on top of our frusteration due to our unmet desires and the endless search for the perfect soulmate.
We find ourselves pining away for that special someone that we know has “got” to be out there somewhere. We dream of the day when two hearts will be one, when our singleness will be no more and when we will find ourselves in the arms of true love. As time goes by and the last mr or miss right turns into another mr or miss wrong, leaving us to heal another wounded heart, we start to wonder if there is someone there for us, and if not, why? Is there something wrong with us? Do we need to gain weight? Loss weight? Change something about our personality? Post more profiles online? Go to more places to meet singles? I mean why indeed are we still here waiting when the wedding bells continue to toll for others who don't seem to have it all together as much as we do or have even desired it as much and for as long. It's hard to understand what we see happening. We have a good job and can support a wife, so why did that guy who doesn't work find a girl? We know how to care for a house and love kids, so why did that other woman who wants others to care for her and refuses to do anything...why did she find a man? With each failed date, each wedding that is not our own, we find ourselves trying to hide our dissappointment. Inside we find ourselves wondering what “they” have that we don't have that got them true love. And once again we find ourselves sinking into the background, sinking into our misreable feelings, wondering if we will ever find that “someone” that has “got” to be out there for us.
We read in self help books that we need to try and better ourselves so that we are ready for the person of our dreams. We hear that we shouldn't waste our singleness and see it as a gift. Yet we have been trying to better ourselves for years and yet there seems to be no mr or miss right in sight. How do we keep going when each date turns into a disaster or the person never calls us back? And just around the time that it seems the other person is really interested, they vanish into thin air or a long term relationship crumbles to the ground.
So all of this begs these questions: Is there someone out there for me? What do I do while I wait? And if there isn't someone out there for me then why has God given me these desires?
There has to be someone out there for each of us, right? After all, if we have desires and they are good desires, God will grant those to us, right? We read in scripture that God said that it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18) and He said to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth (Genesis 1:28). So how do we get “there”?
First off, I want to address this “preparing” for one's future spouse. I've read a lot of dating books in my twenty-four years of living, and many address the issue of what we do while we wait. The main discussion that I have read is that while we wait, we should use that time to prepare ourselves for the one that God has for us. We should better ourselves as a person so that when the time comes, we are not lacking. I feel the need to address this differently. As a single person I have been led along with everyone else in thinking that if I change myself then pershaps then I will find the right person for me or perhaps then God will see that I am ready for a spouse. Yet, I think that we are focusing on the wrong idea here. We should not be focusing on us, but focusing on who we are in Christ.
Our reason for living, I believe, is to grow closer to God and to seeek Him first. This is the same for those who are single and for those who are married. If we read the Bible we will know that God's desire for us is that we deepen our relationship with Him so that we might know Him. He wants us to seek Him with all our hearts and to put self last. So in this “waiting” as a single, I think that our life needs to be focused on Christ, on knowing Him and becoming more like Him. I think if we do that then we will be ready for the one that Christ has for us. We are focused on God and not on self. When we focus on ourselves we start to think that things are about us and when we think that things are about us we get disappointed when we do not get what we want, especially after we have done all we can on our own to obtain it. Yet if we focus on Christ then our eyes will be set on what is true and what will last. And, if we never meet that “someone” out there, all we are doing is for Christ, so how can it be lost? On the other hand if we are seeking to perfect ourselves for our own gain then time and time again when a date leads nowhere or a relationship ends, we wonder what we did wrong or why it didn't work. Yet if we are focusing on Christ then we find joy and contentment in knowing that we are doing what He called us to do and that His timing for us is different. We need to look at our reason for being single not as something that is about us (because we are doing something wrong, or something is wrong with us, etc...things that focus on “self” as the reason) and look to the truth that it is God's will that we are still single.
This then of course leads us to the old question of why, why are we still single? If we have this desire and it is not a sinful desire, than why has God not fulfilled it yet? Why did He give us desires if He wasn't going to let them come into existance? If we have been striving after Him, then why do we not yet have what we desire as the Bible says that if we delight ourselves in Him then He will give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4).
Never in my time as a single has anyone ever told me, “maybe there is just not someone out there for you.” It has always been, “be patient, God knows the right time” or “when you meet him you will know” and other sayings that basically just sum up the fact that it isn't God's timing and that we need to wait on Him. For many of us, this is the case. One day God's timing will be right and you will meet the person that God has for you. I believe that this is true and that we should wait patiently and seek Christ and not settle for something less because we are impatient.
Yet, something that I never hear is, “there might not be someone out there for you.” Pause. What if someone told you that? How would you respond? And yet, that is my very question for you. What if there is not someone out there for you? How would you respond in knowing that your desires for a spouse many never come true? How will you react towards God and towards life?
I believe that it is very possible that there is not someone out there for anyone. I am one of the most hopeless people when it comes to romance and wanting a prince charming, but it is time to face what God has been teaching me about the truth. Not all our desires will be met here on this earth.
We all know this, but I don't think it has been addressed much in terms of the single life. And once again I think that is the result of our society being caught up in believing that singleness is not wholeness and that to be complete, we must find someone. Therefore if we need to find someone to be complete and God wants us to be whole, there will be someone out there for us. Besides, He gaves us these desires, right? Yet, let us consider the following.
We all desire good family relationships and yet we know that this is not the norm, that many families are broken and full of deep issues. We all desire to live comfortably and yet we know that many people work hard and yet still struggle to make ends meet. We all desire to be healthy and yet we know that we often suffer from health problems. We all desire to have a good relationship with our spouse and that love will last but we know the rates of divorce.
This is a world of brokenness and unmet desires because this is a fallen world where sin abounds and where we are until we are called home to heaven. This brings me to a very important point that I showed in the last examples: not all of our desires are going to be met here on earth. That goes for our desire as a single to be married.
We accept the fact that not all those who want children will be able to have them. We accept the fact that there is brokeness in the world and that as long as we are here there will be pain and suffering. We learn that this is not because God doesn't love us, but because we are the part of this fallen world. Yet it is harder to accept that there may not be someone out there for us, and I think possiblity it is because no one has ever really told us that. We have been made to believe and to hope fully in something that may not be.
There is nothing wrong with believing and hoping, and I do not write this to dash your hopes or your dreams. I think we should all continue to hope and dream about the desires that we have and to pray about them all the more. However, I do feel that we need to know as singles that marriage will not come to all of us. God will not grant all our desires on this earth and it has nothing to do with us, but everything to do with God and His plans for us.
At this point you may feel angry at me, or feel that I have said something that is incorrect, or something that you cannot believe. Believe me, I understand. I myself would rather believe that there is someone out there for all of us. I am one who desires very strongly to get married, and yet, the truth has set me free. Let me explain.
I used to pine away for the one for me. I would often mope around and wonder what was wrong with me, or why God was punishing me for. And yet, with the truth, I realize that neither of these things are the case. In the first scenario I am focusing on myself and in the second, I have a wrong view of who God is. It is not because there is something wrong with me that I am single and God is not using singleness as a punishment, rather, He knows the plans that He has for me. And I know that although my desires may not all be fulfilled here on this earth, they will be in heaven.
This is to say that I have not become fully content with this realization for myself. There are times that I cry out to God for it to be His will that this desire be fullfilled here on this earth. I don't want to have to be the “strong” one if I am not to be married. I do not want this “cup” that God has given me if that be the case and I beg Him to take that away. Yet in this, I am learning something else. Surrender.
How to surrender to God, how to surrender our desires and ourselves. And in that, how we rejoice in Him and not turn away when it seems that He is failing us. God is not failing us and never will. Yet surrending is something that is extremely difficult to do. This is the battle that I face as a single. Each day I want to grow more and more like Christ and to put aside myself. This is just a part of it and I struggle with it emmensely. And yet, I think of what He had to surrender in order for our lives to be saved. There is no greater sacrafice. And if our sacrafice of our desires is what He asks for, is that not what we want?
And this is why I feel that as a single, we should strive to know Him because this is what will guide us and lead us through the rest of our lives, whether God asks us to remain single for a season or for this life. Being in a relationship does not make life worthwhile if it does not have Christ in it, and it will not make us happier if we do desire to follow Christ. There was a time in my life that I dated without seeking Christ to be first. Yes, I had the guy, but even so, I found myself desiring Christ and knowing I was not where I should be. Now I know that even though I am not with someone, I am seeking Christ-and that has made all the difference. I now have peace. Despite my desire to have a man, I am happier as a single than as I was dating someone who was not Christ focused.
This is not to say that I don't find myself crying some nights or wondering why it is I that is in this place, but knowing that God doesn't fulfill all our desires (and often for good reasons that we do not know) is a comfort for me. Knowing God better continues to help me to see this world and my circumstances in a different light. We can either turn our back on God when things don't go right, or we can use those times to help us grow closer to Him. Instead of focusing on what we can do on our own or for ourselves, focusing on Christ gives us a clear perspective.
I wish for all of you that read this that you may come to know Christ more fully, and that that will be the desire of your heart. Only God knows what He has planned. I encourage you to seek His face more frequently and to pray about your desires and that in everything, God's will be done. For He has paid the ultimate sacrafice for us and the servant is not above the master. Just remember that you are whole in Christ and that singleness does not make you incomplete. In Christ you are complete!
