Learn to Endure
“Jesus, I Surrender My Life To You
Take Care of Everything”
After my heart surgery, they had to keep me loaded up on some strong drugs, for pain, of course. I have never liked drugs; in fact when I was very young in the Navy, I was surrounded by men who were highly addicted, but I wanted nothing to do with it. Not because I was better than them, but they had no attraction. Alcohol was not quite so strong an aversion. I liked getting slightly high while on dates because it made dancing more fun. However, at a certain point, I did not like it at all. It shut me down in a way that I do not quite understand. I got drunk three times in the Navy, and they were all bad experiences for me.
So my experience in the hospital with a boatload of strong painkillers was a real nightmare that lasted for a week and a half. One of the doctors told me that it was mostly because of my age, but then he said he never heard anything like it. Lucky me.
I remember closing my eyes, and suddenly, I was in a different world. I would open them, and I was back in my bed. The problem was it was a landscape from hell. There were great monsters that looked like demons, and they were fighting each other, destroying everything in sight……yes, a bad trip. I would open my eyes and again I was back.
After I returned home, I thought they would end, but every night there they were. For about a week I could not sleep, so it was me and me getting a tour of hell, perhaps my own inner hidden place of anger and pain.
So on the second night home, I was being led from one scene to another. Finally, I prayed, “Lord, please stop this, it is driving me crazy”. So I got an answer, “Mark, learn to endure. Not the answer I was looking for, but I took to heart.
St. Paul talks about patient endurance (fortitude), so I endured, prayed, and because I could not rest or sleep, tried not to go crazy. I did not lose my mind, well, I hope so.
I have learned that as I age, I simply have to allow the process to continue, while at the same time doing what I can to keep going and stay healthy. It is not an easy lesson, but I am slowly growing in my faith and trust in God’s care.
Why should it surprise me that old age is about letting go over time? We are pilgrims after all, on a journey that ends in our entering the eternal mystery we call death.
Death is not an exit, but an entry into a broader reality.- Br.MD
