Note: I thought I'd start my new blog by copying over three of my older blog entries. My testimony and short bio of sorts.
Originally Posted: April 20, 2007
Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
I have this verse in my signature. If I had to choose one verse as my "life verse" it would be this verse. From the time I first remember reading it, the Lord has burned it into my heart. It has carried me through difficult times, and the Lord has shown the truth of that verse to me many times over.
I was raised in a Catholic home with a knowledge of Christ from my youth. My parents also attended Bible studies at other Christian churches as well. I remember attending Vacation Bible School when I was in elementary, and still have some of the crafts I made back during those times.
When I was in High School, I struggled with depression and isolation. I didn't have many friends, and those I did have weren't very good friends. I even struggled with my faith. I remember talking to a counselor on a Catholic retreat saying "I know the Lord is standing at the door of my heart knocking, and all I have to do is let him in. I want to do that, and I try to do that, but it feels like something is blocking the door." At that time, among others, I prayed to accept the Lord in my heart, but still I struggled.
In my senior year, I started getting a few more friends, but my depression and spiritual struggles continued. This was brought to a boiling point in July 1991. I had joined the Air Force and was in basic training. Serious depression caused me to be discharged before even completing basic training (Later I discovered an over-active thyroid was as much to blame for the depression as anything). During that time, I struggled deeply within myself. I remember clinging to the Lord, crying out to Him for help, reading the poem "Footprints in the Sand" and reading Pslam 23. I still felt distant from the Lord, though. Although I did have suicidal thoughts, I knew I would never follow through. I loved my family too much to hurt them, for one. For the other, I knew I wasn't right with the Lord, and thought I would go to hell.
Soon after returning home, I made the decision to not go to church any more. I didn't agree with everything the Catholic church taught and I felt I could follow God on my own. Among my friends, I was seen as righteous. I didn't smoke, drink or do drugs, nor would I have sex outside of marriage. Despite that, I still struggled with depression, and in my heart, I knew something was missing.
December 1995, I was invited to attend Harvest Christian Fellowship (Greg Laurie's church in Riverside, California). The night I attended, I went forward, more from the assistance of the friend who invited me than my own feelings. I did speak with a decision follow-up counselor and decided to return to my parent's church.
From December through July I did a lot of church hopping. From my parent's church, to Harvest, to Calvary Chapel Chino Hills. Each place I went on my own, having no real accountability to anyone, so there were Sundays I didn't go to any of the churches. During that time, though, I started hearing about the Harvest Crusades. I had no idea what they were, aside from the bumper stickers I saw on some cars. When it was mentioned at Harvest or Calvary Chapel Chino Hills, they didn't really say exactly what it was. I guess there was an assumption that people already knew about them. Whatever the case, my curiosity towards it was piqued.
Only July 4, 1996, I went to the first night of the Harvest Crusades at Angels Stadium in Anaheim, California. At first, I wasn't going to go. I didn't have anyone to go with, and I still wasn't sure what it was. My reason for going was to let an online friend from another state know how it was. Looking back, though, I can see God's hand orchestrating the entire thing.
The night was amazing. It was the first time I heard Christian music. Before that I always thought it was hymns or worship songs that are sung in church. I enjoyed hearing the music and then Pastor Greg gave an evangelical message. I don't remember what the message was anymore, but I do remember what happened after the message.
Pastor Greg called for people to come down onto the field to give their lives to the Lord, or to rededicate their lives. I felt the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart, telling me I needed to go onto the field. I made every excuse I could think of not to get up. "I'm already Christian." "I went forward at Harvest." "What if someone sees me?" "This isn't important." Then Pastor Greg said something that I could find no excuse to counter. "All you prodigal sons and daughters out there...." I knew God was speaking to me in that statement. I knew I was the prodigal son, and I needed to return to God.
With my excuses countered, I got up and went onto the field to rededicate my life to the Lord. I remember the nervous feeling as I walked down. I remembered the uncertainty, and the fight inside me wanting to stop me from going forward. Nothing like what it was the previous December. Then came the prayer, asking the Lord into my heart, and the feeling of a weight being lifted from my shoulders. I spoke with the decision follow-up counselor and went home different from when I arrived. I knew something had changed inside me, but it wouldn't be until later that I would realize just how much had changed.
I attended the next three nights of the crusades with excitement. This time it wasn't because I wanted to tell someone about the event, but it was because I genuinely wanted to be there. I also chose Harvest as my regular church fellowship at that point, feeling that it was the place I needed to be.
Although I was raised as a Christian, July 4, 1996 is one date I measure my Spiritual walk by. The change that happened to my life after that date was significant, and visible to everyone that knew me. I'll probably go into more about that later.