Broken heart

My boyfriend and I had been dating for a year when everything fell apart. I read a something in a magazine about porn, and I asked him if he'd ever looked at it. Me and my naive self thought the answer would be no. I'm young, I don't have a lot of dating experience, and I figured Christian guys don't do that stuff. So when he said yes, my heart broke a little. When I asked him if he still looked at it and he said yes, my heart shattered. I didn't know what to do or think. I kept asking him questions about it and he eventually stopped replying to my texts. He was in school when this conversation happened. I texted him saying that I was going to come to his school and pick him up because we needed to talk. He finally replied saying no. He needed to walk home and clear his head. I told him that I would meet him at his house, and again he told me no. At this point I was going crazy. I had found out about his porn viewing 4 hours earlier and I hadn't been able to talk to him since then. I was desperate to see him. I needed answers. I finally decided to go to his house and wait for him. His mom let me in and could tell that something was wrong. But she let me wait for him. When he made it home he saw me sitting on the couch and went in his bedroom. He called me asking me what I wanted and why I was there. I told him that we needed to talk and he said "then talk". I felt so rejected. I hung up and started to walk to the front door. He heard my steps and came out to the hallway crying. He hugged me, and we held each other and cried. We wound up sitting on the couch talking and crying for hours. I had so many questions, and even though the answers hurt me, I needed answers. He told me that porn started about 3 years ago for him. He got a junk e-mail and when he clicked on the link and was taken to a porn site, he was hooked. He told me that he tried to stop dozens of times, and I believe him. But for some reason he always went back. I felt betrayed, rejected, and like I wasn't enough for him. I didn't know what to do. I left his house that night feeling more alone and confused than ever. I kept asking God "why did this happen? Why am I not enough for him? Why couldn't I be prettier, or have a better body? Why why why?!?". I cried myself to sleep for weeks. I didn't eat. I felt empty. I didn't even want to live anymore. I couldn't get my mind to stop thinking about what happened. I always had images of what he looked at, and him looking at it whirling through my head. I thought of all the times he lied to me when it came to my looks and others. The times when he told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world, and when he said that he didn't like looking at other women because it was gross and he only wanted to look at me, when he watched movies or tv shows with bad scenes he told me that he didn't like them, stuff like that. I didn't know how I could ever trust him again. He lied to me sooo many times, for a year. I was heartbroken. The one man I thought I knew, I didn't. The one man I thought I could trust, I couldn't. I didn't know what to do. I had no one to talk to. I didn't want my friends to dislike him, so I couldn't talk to them. Plus I don't have many that I'm close to. I couldn't talk to my parents or sister because we've never been very close, and my brothers are too young. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life, and I had no one to talk to. I can't even describe everything I went through. But it was hell for me. JG (my boyfriend) told me that he would never look at porn again. Which obviously made me feel somewhat better. But that didn't change the fact that he did look at it the entire time we were dating. I wanted desperately to forgive him. But I just couldn't. I was so mad, and hurt, and depressed. I couldn't get over it. I will say, this is one of the times when I felt closest to God. He was the only reason I was surviving day to day. I was leaning on him like never before. I realized how weak I really am, and how I can't do anything without him. But the oddest thing happened a few times, just as things started to get better between me and JG, I would stop relying on God so much. I would start to think "Yeah, I can handle this". But then something would happend between me and JG and I was back at square one, back to needing God to get me through. A few things that happened were finding out that he doesn't only look at porn on the computer, he keeps it in his mind and replays the videos. And finding out that at school he would look at girls where he shouldn't, and watch them walk down the hallways. He would imagine having sex with other women. He would look at magazine covers at work, etc. Everytime I would start feeling better, and things would get back to normal I found out something new. It was awful. I felt like things would never change. But then, they did. Slowly but surely things got better. We got the books "Every Man's Battle" and "Every Woman's Battle". He started meeting with an accountability partner and he started talking to me more about struggles and being honest. For everyone out there who thinks they can never change, my boyfriend is proof that you can. God has worked in his life in amazing ways. He hasn't looked at porn since the day I first asked about it. He doesn't think about bad things, or watch bad movies or tv shows, he doesn't look at women, or magazine covers. It's incredible. I'm not saying that he's suddenly perfect. He slips up sometimes. We all do.

I feel like I've gone on and on.... Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest. If anyone reads this, I'm sorry that I'm such a terrible writer. I've never been good at that sort of thing. But I hope you won't judge me based on that.

Oh yeah, here's an update. JG and I have been dating for a little over 1 1/2, and things couldn't be better.