angry

I am so angry now that I can't sleep. The only reason I'm blogging here is because my husband reads whatever I journal and then fights with me over it. I cannot believe that I wasted my maternity leave doing stuff that I've done. I go back to work next week and I will be worried about what he is up to and the baby. I hate living like this. I am so mad at him and I am hurt. I am always astounded when my friends say they Don't care when they suspect their husband cheats.. but now I understand it... not caring is a blessing and is so much better than worrying, crying or trying to fix what cannot be fixed. The moment that I start to hope I give myself a mental slap. Because when you hope.... then u hurt. Apathy is so much better. My husband had approached me a few times today for intimacy and I pushed him away because he lied and broke a promise again. My heart I have to shield it.. it can't take anymore. And so finally I decided to go in and give him a kiss.. and he snapped at me because he was looking at something on his phone and told me to wait s minute. Well that killed it for me.. so tired of being on back burner.. must mean he doesn't want it that bad. Shortly after I walked away he came and asked me if it was still going to happen. I said that the mood was gone.. do he went back into room slamming the door.. oh well he's been looking at naked pics of women all day.. what sm I for? Not going to be used and treated like I'm unimportant. Maybe it would be best if we just divorced...