I'm sitting at work and wondering why? What is the use?! Nothing can be done at the moment... Then i realise, no matter where i go, i'm still with me!
Okay, so i'm feeling quite sad... A feeling i guess i've brought upon myself!
So much has happened the last year and the last few months just caught up with me. I got to the point of realising that i have feelings for PJ, feelings i don't want to have for a man who is constantly travelling and quite often forgets about me, while i quite often can not forget about him.
Last night i decided, it's a road i do not want to take. A life a do not want to live. So i told him that i would like to use the last few weeks of 2008 to work through all the things that happened during this year... To clear my mind and re-focus on my life goal, which is to hear God clearer and follow his plans for my life.
Today i feel that this could have been better translated into: "You have become such a vital part of my life. I'm realising that I love you. It scares me. I'm running away." The story of my life.
Oh well, whichever way the cookie crumbles... I would have to deal with it. As usual.
Do i have any regrets about people i've run from? No, i feel it was for the best and i hope that it's the case with PJ too... The only bad thing about this, is that i do feel it wasn't the best thing to do with the options i have...
So why did i do it? Plain and simple... it's easier to get over someone or for memory to start fading than to pine over a love ever so often while feeling that it's a one way emotion.
Ultimately i will survive this too... I guess. I hope.
Okay, okay... What is my problem, because what i've just said, is just a load of words which doesn't come close to how i'm really feeling!
I was missing PJ, sent him a message, he replied and then i decided to abort the mission. At that stage it made sense.
But since then i feel blocked. I can't think straight. I feel detached from myself and i feel out of the flow of hearing God speaking to me.
Everything was much clearer before making this gigantic decision... And to crown it all, my head was repeating the song "Giant mistake" this morning. It feels like a mistake, but now i would just like to get past it... Doesn't forgiveness and what nots work in continueing with life?! I'm on a bycicle and have 2 punctures. How do i fix it. What do i need to do. I just want to keep on cycling... that's it. Ctrl+Alt+Delete
It's not working.
Together with all of this, the verse: "Guard your heart with all diligence, for from it flows the issues of life" keeps playing in my head, and it feels like i'm doing it all wrong again...
Let's hope that 2009 brings more joy... Joy, what a word!? Somehow his name became synonymous with joy... but logic dictates that i can not say goodbye to JOY. There's another source of joy and it's time that i re-connect with God, because obviously somewhere in the process i got it all confused and associated it with PJ and not God... pretty tragic!
Boo-hoo-hoo, i should really stop feeling so sorry for myself and just forget about this. (Coldheartedness... hmmm, a label that never quite suited my heart. My face, but not even to those who took the time to look into my eyes...)
"Dear Father, please give me the strength to do what you have called me to do, without being distracted by the issues of life..."
Okay, so i'm feeling quite sad... A feeling i guess i've brought upon myself!
So much has happened the last year and the last few months just caught up with me. I got to the point of realising that i have feelings for PJ, feelings i don't want to have for a man who is constantly travelling and quite often forgets about me, while i quite often can not forget about him.
Last night i decided, it's a road i do not want to take. A life a do not want to live. So i told him that i would like to use the last few weeks of 2008 to work through all the things that happened during this year... To clear my mind and re-focus on my life goal, which is to hear God clearer and follow his plans for my life.
Today i feel that this could have been better translated into: "You have become such a vital part of my life. I'm realising that I love you. It scares me. I'm running away." The story of my life.
Oh well, whichever way the cookie crumbles... I would have to deal with it. As usual.
Do i have any regrets about people i've run from? No, i feel it was for the best and i hope that it's the case with PJ too... The only bad thing about this, is that i do feel it wasn't the best thing to do with the options i have...
So why did i do it? Plain and simple... it's easier to get over someone or for memory to start fading than to pine over a love ever so often while feeling that it's a one way emotion.
Ultimately i will survive this too... I guess. I hope.
Okay, okay... What is my problem, because what i've just said, is just a load of words which doesn't come close to how i'm really feeling!
I was missing PJ, sent him a message, he replied and then i decided to abort the mission. At that stage it made sense.
But since then i feel blocked. I can't think straight. I feel detached from myself and i feel out of the flow of hearing God speaking to me.
Everything was much clearer before making this gigantic decision... And to crown it all, my head was repeating the song "Giant mistake" this morning. It feels like a mistake, but now i would just like to get past it... Doesn't forgiveness and what nots work in continueing with life?! I'm on a bycicle and have 2 punctures. How do i fix it. What do i need to do. I just want to keep on cycling... that's it. Ctrl+Alt+Delete
It's not working.
Together with all of this, the verse: "Guard your heart with all diligence, for from it flows the issues of life" keeps playing in my head, and it feels like i'm doing it all wrong again...
Let's hope that 2009 brings more joy... Joy, what a word!? Somehow his name became synonymous with joy... but logic dictates that i can not say goodbye to JOY. There's another source of joy and it's time that i re-connect with God, because obviously somewhere in the process i got it all confused and associated it with PJ and not God... pretty tragic!
Boo-hoo-hoo, i should really stop feeling so sorry for myself and just forget about this. (Coldheartedness... hmmm, a label that never quite suited my heart. My face, but not even to those who took the time to look into my eyes...)
"Dear Father, please give me the strength to do what you have called me to do, without being distracted by the issues of life..."