My Testimony
The Lord has revealed himself to me. I have to be honest with everyone, most of my life I was walking blindly and ignorant to the faith given me when I was younger. I am sure that these ungrounded and ignorant beliefs that I had were partially to blame for what I had become. I'm not saying that I ever pushed God away but instead I just did not have the right picture of who God really was. I was only going through the motions of praising God and calling myself a "Christian" but it was not in complete sincerity. How can we honestly love someone with all of our heart that we barely even know? So then with my voice I would praise Him but my heart was far from Him.
And then it began, weeks and weeks of an unexplainable physiological anxiety disorder. I became buffeted by thoughts of my own death, thoughts of my loved ones dying, being utterly alone, relentless paranoia of calamities, feelings of shame, I was inexcusable, filthy in spirit and hopeless. I was truly a broken man and riddled with guilt. I am at a loss of enough words to be able to explain myself meaningfully. One particular morning I awoke from sleep and I was trembling, sweating profusely yet chilled to the bone, my heart was racing and beating out of my chest, feeling as though I was unable to breathe, the dizziness brought me to my knees and I began vomiting. I was awakened by a terrifying panic attack.
To this day I sincerely believe that I was close to death that morning. Being desperate for any help I could get my thoughts cried out to God but I was instantly consumed by shame. Guilt fell upon me like a ton of bricks crushing the life out of me. I was helpless. Why would Jesus help someone like me who never really made a solid effort to learn who he really was? I knew in that instant that I had been living my entire life in sin. Serving myself in complete selfishness. I was in a deep pit of sin and death. Defiantly, against those thoughts in my head, I fell on my face before the Lord in complete sincerity of heart and began to pray. I begged for His forgiveness and asked Him to renew my whole heart. Moreover, I pleaded that He would reveal himself to me so that I could know without any doubt WHO HE REALLY WAS.
I then went into my room and took out my bible and began to read. I decided then to throw every single one of my unconfirmed beliefs out forever. To become new in mind and spirit with only the foundation of the gospel of Christ; that He was God in the flesh and willingly died on the cross for me and the sins of the world. He willingly sacrificed himself in our behalf out of a fervent love that far surpasses any man or angel because "They" in a singular plurality (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) ARE LOVE. Also that Jesus Christ was raised again three days later and appeared before the apostles and eventually before hundreds. Having conquered the law of sin and death, Jesus gave and continues to give freely His gift of grace through faith in HIM so that the entire world could have hope of eternal life to all that look to him with a sincere heart renewed by the Holy Spirit.
The Lord has revealed himself to me through His Word and pulled me out of that pit of despair. I no longer believe anything unless I have thoroughly studied it for myself in the Scriptures. I could not and would not allow myself to continue to just take someone's word on anything. I know that I alone am responsible for myself before Him. I have now come to know who the Lord Jesus Christ really is. Humbling myself I sought diligently to find him through Scriptures and fellowship. My heart through the Holy Spirit still reaches out for Him today in order to learn even more about him. Every single day I learn something new about His love for us all. So in return with my renewed heart, through the gift of the Spirit of Grace, I desire to serve and obey Him. Not out of "commandment" but out of love for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Finally, I want to tell you that I will never say or make claim that what I believe to be true in the Scriptures are an unquestionable truth in that everyone must believe the same way I do or they're wrong. Instead I will say that this is what I "currently" believe from what I have studied in the Scriptures allowing myself to be in sincere open-mindedness. Knowing that I could in fact be in error of numerous things with an honest hope that someone might show me my errors through the Scriptures. I cannot and will not "close the door" on anyone or any certain doctrine other than one denying the truth in the foundation of the Gospel of Christ which all things rest upon.
