A Child of Promise or of an Unfulfilled Destiny
26 August 2013
Please remember this is my personal journal and at times, like today, my entries are a baring of my soul and spirit not only to myself but to my Loving Father in hopes of being made clean and whole once more. It is a story of visions lost, life choices questioned and regrets finally understood and addressed. This won’t be a “feel good” post and the reader has been forewarned.
I started seeing a new therapist after a 3-year hiatus following my strokes. My first therapist had moved away and I really didn’t understand my need for a new one. Through mutual involvement in a planning committee we had met though I was unaware of her calling and when my wife heard that she had an opening she strongly encouraged me to set up a visit. Thank you Myralee, once again you have been instrumental in my life. At our first visit, primarily a meet and greet with paperwork, she casually mentioned that a lot of things would probably start re-surfacing in my mind as we went along and though painful it would ultimately be a very good thing. As a trans person I naively assumed all of “those things” that popped up wuold be dealing with my transitioning. How can a 63 year old woman be so clueless at times? The Father was waiting in the wings to start a painful healing and cleansing process I never knew I needed. My thoughts were always out of sight and out of mind and the locks on those mental doors were designed to stay that way-Locked!
The Holy Spirit spoke a very clear and distinct word to me during worship several weeks ago that, until this morning, had both troubled and confused me. I won’t share the word but my pastor has a copy of it. I sent it to her with a cry for her discernment. She has not replied yet and now I know why, I needed time to let it settle in my spirit and let Daddy tell me personally it’s meaning. Welcome to this morning! My wife has repeatedly been asking me to share what was in my heart and I didn’t know what to share or even where to begin until the wee hours of this morning after having to leave a church gathering where Daddy was definitely moving. My body betrayed me or Daddy just wanted me alone, not sure which but I went straight my hammock, covered my self and slept for nearly 8 hours. Surgery is best done with the patient asleep and during my extended sleep Daddy removed every lock I had ever placed and He allowed it to all flood out so the healing could begin.
My whole life has been controlled by choices I have made. Some were carefully considered and others were reckless spur of the moment ones where the consequences are never even considered. I had dreams and desires of my future life and a vision for my life. I never considered that when I asked my first wife to marry me, I loved her then and still love her now. Marriage and a family were never a part of my dreams especially not at the tender age of 20 but I was blinded by love. Did a stint in the Navy and came out with a full scholarship to Speed Engineering School waiting for me to accept but by then we had a son nearly two and a second on the way so I went to work instead. Another dream put on permanent hiatus. Along the way I had become a Christian, on fire and naïve, and we found ourselves swept away in the Jesus Movement and as time progressed the giftings and callings on each of our lives emerged as did a vision of our destiny within the Body of Christ. Over the next 30+ years we chased after that destiny and the dreams we carried within us, not of a great ministry but just to be used by God and we were. The problem is that as He moved us from movement to movement a pattern always developed. Like my grandson Daddy poured out His Revelation and His power to perform His word like a Child of promise to His children and then just like Tristan people started to try to control and conform the Child to their own image and likeness. I am sure Daddy set in Heaven and wept as He watched His children take something pure, precious and full of promise and try to put it into a manmade box to be worshipped. It happened in the Jesus Movement, the Covenant Movement, the Charismatic Movement, the Apostolic Movement and countless other moves of God where we humans defiled the gift and disgraced the Giver. We were there and were a part of each of those movements and without fail, just like the organized churches of old and new what man couldn’t explain or understand He boxed away and provided a human substitute. I have watched with a grieving heart each time the Child of Promise became another casualty. In each case a small part of my own vision died and my hope became a little less sure.
Every choice we make comes with a price whether we choose to believe it or not. Genevieve and I had dreams of , after my retirement, travelling and teaching worship to anyone or any church that would have us. It was to be a love offering to Daddy through His children, no monies or gifts would be accepted the gift was the one we would give to them. In 2008 on Good Friday that dream crumbled to the ground as I kissed her goodbye and told her to go be with Daddy. Somehow I managed to keep a sliver of that dream alive though it will probably never see the light of day. My life and all the dreams and desires seemed to die that day and I have felt like I have been on hold every since. I have spent a lifetime giving of myself to others and their dreams and now suddenly I realize I have no more dreams or visions of my own, they got lost in this thing we call life.
Now at a point in my life when I am free to invest my life in my dreams and fulfill my own destiny I once again find myself being constrained by commitments made to others around me. I feel as if I am the butterfly that has crawled back inside the cocoon she fought so hard to be free of. Now I find myself joined once more to a group of people that is seeking God in a true way and am watching as the Holy Spirit’s brooding is bringing forth new life full of promise and expectancy. Daddy has placed a Child of Promise in our midst and we are so un-churched we are openly receiving Him into or family both at the gatherings and also within our daily lives. I am finding myself being filled with a hope and yet not sure if I can embrace it. I really don’t know if I could survive another box building or idol building marathon. I don’t know any nice way of saying it. In the 3 months I have been there I have watched as the worship has gone from people struggling through songs to get to the message to a place where a spirit of worship and expectancy so fill the house continually that we are drawn deeply into the presence of God and are reluctant to leave. I have been in this place before, several times, and each time people got in the way with their own agendas. I don’t envision that happening this time but I am gun-shy from past experiences. Scripture speaks of placing watchmen on the walls to warn of impending attacks or disaster. I would imagine those watchmen were mature warriors, proven in battle and in peace. Men or women of upstanding reputation and experienced in their own responsibilities. A watchman knows the signs, can see through the haze clearly to discern the plots and plans the enemy is planning. He is quick to sound the alarm loudly and succinctly to warn the people. He can also see the good things coming from afar and He can instill a sense of security and hope within the people. Could it be that is one of the highest callings of all? To be vigilant and alert as a means of insuring the next generation will not just survive but will prosper and multiply in good works. Israel could never keep their guard up for multiple generations and Scripture clearly chronicles their continual return to captivity as a warning to future generations. The question is “Have we learned or will we and our spiritual offspring follow their example and end up in our own spiritual captivity?". I don't have the answer, only Daddy knows all things but my hope is that this time we forget the boxes and the idols and enjoy the beauty and preciousness of this Child of Promise. Even as the Holy Spirit broods protectively over His sons and daughters maybe that is the true task and calling of the watchmen and just maybe that calling is a mantle to be received, accepted and embraced as the gift it is. Be Blessed.
Charlena Marie Andrews-Hayes
26 August 2013
Please remember this is my personal journal and at times, like today, my entries are a baring of my soul and spirit not only to myself but to my Loving Father in hopes of being made clean and whole once more. It is a story of visions lost, life choices questioned and regrets finally understood and addressed. This won’t be a “feel good” post and the reader has been forewarned.
I started seeing a new therapist after a 3-year hiatus following my strokes. My first therapist had moved away and I really didn’t understand my need for a new one. Through mutual involvement in a planning committee we had met though I was unaware of her calling and when my wife heard that she had an opening she strongly encouraged me to set up a visit. Thank you Myralee, once again you have been instrumental in my life. At our first visit, primarily a meet and greet with paperwork, she casually mentioned that a lot of things would probably start re-surfacing in my mind as we went along and though painful it would ultimately be a very good thing. As a trans person I naively assumed all of “those things” that popped up wuold be dealing with my transitioning. How can a 63 year old woman be so clueless at times? The Father was waiting in the wings to start a painful healing and cleansing process I never knew I needed. My thoughts were always out of sight and out of mind and the locks on those mental doors were designed to stay that way-Locked!
The Holy Spirit spoke a very clear and distinct word to me during worship several weeks ago that, until this morning, had both troubled and confused me. I won’t share the word but my pastor has a copy of it. I sent it to her with a cry for her discernment. She has not replied yet and now I know why, I needed time to let it settle in my spirit and let Daddy tell me personally it’s meaning. Welcome to this morning! My wife has repeatedly been asking me to share what was in my heart and I didn’t know what to share or even where to begin until the wee hours of this morning after having to leave a church gathering where Daddy was definitely moving. My body betrayed me or Daddy just wanted me alone, not sure which but I went straight my hammock, covered my self and slept for nearly 8 hours. Surgery is best done with the patient asleep and during my extended sleep Daddy removed every lock I had ever placed and He allowed it to all flood out so the healing could begin.
My whole life has been controlled by choices I have made. Some were carefully considered and others were reckless spur of the moment ones where the consequences are never even considered. I had dreams and desires of my future life and a vision for my life. I never considered that when I asked my first wife to marry me, I loved her then and still love her now. Marriage and a family were never a part of my dreams especially not at the tender age of 20 but I was blinded by love. Did a stint in the Navy and came out with a full scholarship to Speed Engineering School waiting for me to accept but by then we had a son nearly two and a second on the way so I went to work instead. Another dream put on permanent hiatus. Along the way I had become a Christian, on fire and naïve, and we found ourselves swept away in the Jesus Movement and as time progressed the giftings and callings on each of our lives emerged as did a vision of our destiny within the Body of Christ. Over the next 30+ years we chased after that destiny and the dreams we carried within us, not of a great ministry but just to be used by God and we were. The problem is that as He moved us from movement to movement a pattern always developed. Like my grandson Daddy poured out His Revelation and His power to perform His word like a Child of promise to His children and then just like Tristan people started to try to control and conform the Child to their own image and likeness. I am sure Daddy set in Heaven and wept as He watched His children take something pure, precious and full of promise and try to put it into a manmade box to be worshipped. It happened in the Jesus Movement, the Covenant Movement, the Charismatic Movement, the Apostolic Movement and countless other moves of God where we humans defiled the gift and disgraced the Giver. We were there and were a part of each of those movements and without fail, just like the organized churches of old and new what man couldn’t explain or understand He boxed away and provided a human substitute. I have watched with a grieving heart each time the Child of Promise became another casualty. In each case a small part of my own vision died and my hope became a little less sure.
Every choice we make comes with a price whether we choose to believe it or not. Genevieve and I had dreams of , after my retirement, travelling and teaching worship to anyone or any church that would have us. It was to be a love offering to Daddy through His children, no monies or gifts would be accepted the gift was the one we would give to them. In 2008 on Good Friday that dream crumbled to the ground as I kissed her goodbye and told her to go be with Daddy. Somehow I managed to keep a sliver of that dream alive though it will probably never see the light of day. My life and all the dreams and desires seemed to die that day and I have felt like I have been on hold every since. I have spent a lifetime giving of myself to others and their dreams and now suddenly I realize I have no more dreams or visions of my own, they got lost in this thing we call life.
Now at a point in my life when I am free to invest my life in my dreams and fulfill my own destiny I once again find myself being constrained by commitments made to others around me. I feel as if I am the butterfly that has crawled back inside the cocoon she fought so hard to be free of. Now I find myself joined once more to a group of people that is seeking God in a true way and am watching as the Holy Spirit’s brooding is bringing forth new life full of promise and expectancy. Daddy has placed a Child of Promise in our midst and we are so un-churched we are openly receiving Him into or family both at the gatherings and also within our daily lives. I am finding myself being filled with a hope and yet not sure if I can embrace it. I really don’t know if I could survive another box building or idol building marathon. I don’t know any nice way of saying it. In the 3 months I have been there I have watched as the worship has gone from people struggling through songs to get to the message to a place where a spirit of worship and expectancy so fill the house continually that we are drawn deeply into the presence of God and are reluctant to leave. I have been in this place before, several times, and each time people got in the way with their own agendas. I don’t envision that happening this time but I am gun-shy from past experiences. Scripture speaks of placing watchmen on the walls to warn of impending attacks or disaster. I would imagine those watchmen were mature warriors, proven in battle and in peace. Men or women of upstanding reputation and experienced in their own responsibilities. A watchman knows the signs, can see through the haze clearly to discern the plots and plans the enemy is planning. He is quick to sound the alarm loudly and succinctly to warn the people. He can also see the good things coming from afar and He can instill a sense of security and hope within the people. Could it be that is one of the highest callings of all? To be vigilant and alert as a means of insuring the next generation will not just survive but will prosper and multiply in good works. Israel could never keep their guard up for multiple generations and Scripture clearly chronicles their continual return to captivity as a warning to future generations. The question is “Have we learned or will we and our spiritual offspring follow their example and end up in our own spiritual captivity?". I don't have the answer, only Daddy knows all things but my hope is that this time we forget the boxes and the idols and enjoy the beauty and preciousness of this Child of Promise. Even as the Holy Spirit broods protectively over His sons and daughters maybe that is the true task and calling of the watchmen and just maybe that calling is a mantle to be received, accepted and embraced as the gift it is. Be Blessed.
Charlena Marie Andrews-Hayes
