I first came to the Lord on the verge of suicide. My wife had left with our daughter, and I was at home alone and in more pain that I had ever experienced in my life. I had no idea that it was possible for a person to suffer that much. I was seriously considering suicide just as a way to end the pain.
As I was on the verge of taking action, it came to me that I had a choice. I could indeed take my own life -- or I could give my life into God's hands. Now, I had never understood the message of salvation through Jesus before, but in that moment, I was feeling the full weight of my sins. I had never done anything truly bad by human standards, but I knew in the depths of my soul that I was a sinner and had failed to love as I'd ought and deserved only to be tortured in Hell.
I also somehow realized in that moment that my life was not really mine to take; it was God's. If he wanted to send me to Hell to be eternally tortured, it was his right, and it was what I deserved. If he wanted to do something else -- anything at all -- that, too, was his right, but I knew that I did not deserve his forgiveness, so I did not ask for it.
What I ended up doing was giving my life entirely and unreservedly into his hands, to do with as he wished. I did not ask for or expect mercy or forgiveness -- I had no right. I had been brought completely low, not even able to raise my head, and I was willing to accept whatever punishment he deemed appropriate.
Not long after formally giving my life into his hands, I felt a message, "Seek, and you will find." This began a two-month search, at the end of which the holy spirit of Jesus came to me, and all the intense pain I had been suffering for months was gone instantaneously. And this began a long journey that continues to this day, with him as a constant companion. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am to have him with me.
I do not know why he has forgiven me and shown mercy on me. Well, actually, I do, and it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his grace.
I am still a sinner, and in this life I always will be. But 1 John 1:9 is always available for when the holy spirit impresses on me that I have sinned in some way. God's forgiveness and purification are wonderful; there is practically nothing better than being clean before our Father, which I could never do without Jesus and his sacrifice for me.
As I was on the verge of taking action, it came to me that I had a choice. I could indeed take my own life -- or I could give my life into God's hands. Now, I had never understood the message of salvation through Jesus before, but in that moment, I was feeling the full weight of my sins. I had never done anything truly bad by human standards, but I knew in the depths of my soul that I was a sinner and had failed to love as I'd ought and deserved only to be tortured in Hell.
I also somehow realized in that moment that my life was not really mine to take; it was God's. If he wanted to send me to Hell to be eternally tortured, it was his right, and it was what I deserved. If he wanted to do something else -- anything at all -- that, too, was his right, but I knew that I did not deserve his forgiveness, so I did not ask for it.
What I ended up doing was giving my life entirely and unreservedly into his hands, to do with as he wished. I did not ask for or expect mercy or forgiveness -- I had no right. I had been brought completely low, not even able to raise my head, and I was willing to accept whatever punishment he deemed appropriate.
Not long after formally giving my life into his hands, I felt a message, "Seek, and you will find." This began a two-month search, at the end of which the holy spirit of Jesus came to me, and all the intense pain I had been suffering for months was gone instantaneously. And this began a long journey that continues to this day, with him as a constant companion. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am to have him with me.
I do not know why he has forgiven me and shown mercy on me. Well, actually, I do, and it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his grace.
I am still a sinner, and in this life I always will be. But 1 John 1:9 is always available for when the holy spirit impresses on me that I have sinned in some way. God's forgiveness and purification are wonderful; there is practically nothing better than being clean before our Father, which I could never do without Jesus and his sacrifice for me.
