Today was an absolute mess. I totally lost it. Like totally. I was sobbing and I was mad and sad and I hated it. I took 30 minutes out of my day to be completely, utterly selfish. And I kinda feel better. For the past month I have been stuck on the couch due to my broken ankle. Because of the severity of the injury I have really tried my best to follow doctors orders but the past couple of days it has just seemed impossible. I have been getting up and walking around without my crutches which is a big no no. I have been 2 seconds away from cutting the cast off myself just so I could go somewhere and do something. And today I broke.
I can fully understand why some people become addicted to pain medication. I was so lonely. I can't do anything I normally do. My whole family is home during the day and they all retreat to the back of the house and leave me alone on the couch. And this situation is nothing new, me and Danny sit in the livingroom and do our thing and they sit in the back of the house and do their thing. But normally I am able to get out of the house. I walk the dogs every two hours, I go to the store, I walk to the park, I go get coffee or something. I am able to clean the whole house and do laundry and cook and work. I mean, that's just what I do. I like to take care of my family. And I haven't been able to.
I have stood firm in refusing the thoughts of loneliness and worthlessness and depression. And today it all just hit me at once. And the tip off: my dog Daisy wouldn't sit with me. She sat in the back with everyone else. I felt completely abandoned. And of course, it's because I haven't been able to take care of her and so she's "going to the hand that feeds her" so to speak. She is sitting with her caretakers. She doesn't understand that I am supposed to be the center of her world! She doesn't understand that I am her owner. And quite frankly, she doesn't care. She just knows who feeds her and takes her outside....and it hasn't been me for the past month. So she doesn't sit with me because I can't play with her or get up and meet her needs.
I was crushed. I called the dr and asked for an appointment on Thursday (which they gave me) to meet with the dr to see if we could remove my cast and at least put me into a walking boot so that I can be mobile again. I texted Danny to tell him "I can't take it anymore! I'm calling the dr!" to which I got a phone call telling me "don't do anything crazy.... So and So from here at the office took her cast off two weeks early and ended up in a boot for 9 months.....you can call the dr if you want to, but take the professional's advice. Don't do something crazy". Thanks for being practical Danny!!!!!! NOT!!!!!! That was not what I wanted to hear at all. I lost it on the phone with Danny. I began to sob uncontrollably telling him how I was feeling and trying to help him understand my hysteria. And he listened compassionately like he always does. But he has such a way of being able to calm me down to the point where I can think at least semi-rationally. I don't know how, but he does. So I calmed down and sat back down. I also began to use my crutches like a good little injured girl. But I did insist on fixing my own plate at dinner.
Not that I'm stubborn or anything. Now I am calm. But I definitely can understand why the permanently disabled are more prone to alcoholism and prescription drug abuse. I have gotten a glimpse of the loneliness that they feel. The abandonment. The hopelessness. The worthlessness. It's very painful to be left at home all the time while your family goes out running around. Or while they go swim in the new pool.
I have been addicted to prescription pain medications...but they were my mothers. I just liked the high. I have tried in taking this pain medication to not become addicted to it. I have not taken it when I needed it for fear of being addicted to it again. I have refused myself medication to avoid that bondage again. And I have succeeded. But I totally understand it now. I don't know if this is the reason God has let me go through this, so that I could understand this addiction that people have....but He knows what He's doing.
I just know that I have an appointment Thursday to see if I can get my cast taken off and get a walking boot. I really hope so considering that on the 4th, I have a gig to sing at for the town celebration. Anyway. This has been a long blog. Ciao.
I can fully understand why some people become addicted to pain medication. I was so lonely. I can't do anything I normally do. My whole family is home during the day and they all retreat to the back of the house and leave me alone on the couch. And this situation is nothing new, me and Danny sit in the livingroom and do our thing and they sit in the back of the house and do their thing. But normally I am able to get out of the house. I walk the dogs every two hours, I go to the store, I walk to the park, I go get coffee or something. I am able to clean the whole house and do laundry and cook and work. I mean, that's just what I do. I like to take care of my family. And I haven't been able to.
I have stood firm in refusing the thoughts of loneliness and worthlessness and depression. And today it all just hit me at once. And the tip off: my dog Daisy wouldn't sit with me. She sat in the back with everyone else. I felt completely abandoned. And of course, it's because I haven't been able to take care of her and so she's "going to the hand that feeds her" so to speak. She is sitting with her caretakers. She doesn't understand that I am supposed to be the center of her world! She doesn't understand that I am her owner. And quite frankly, she doesn't care. She just knows who feeds her and takes her outside....and it hasn't been me for the past month. So she doesn't sit with me because I can't play with her or get up and meet her needs.
I was crushed. I called the dr and asked for an appointment on Thursday (which they gave me) to meet with the dr to see if we could remove my cast and at least put me into a walking boot so that I can be mobile again. I texted Danny to tell him "I can't take it anymore! I'm calling the dr!" to which I got a phone call telling me "don't do anything crazy.... So and So from here at the office took her cast off two weeks early and ended up in a boot for 9 months.....you can call the dr if you want to, but take the professional's advice. Don't do something crazy". Thanks for being practical Danny!!!!!! NOT!!!!!! That was not what I wanted to hear at all. I lost it on the phone with Danny. I began to sob uncontrollably telling him how I was feeling and trying to help him understand my hysteria. And he listened compassionately like he always does. But he has such a way of being able to calm me down to the point where I can think at least semi-rationally. I don't know how, but he does. So I calmed down and sat back down. I also began to use my crutches like a good little injured girl. But I did insist on fixing my own plate at dinner.
Not that I'm stubborn or anything. Now I am calm. But I definitely can understand why the permanently disabled are more prone to alcoholism and prescription drug abuse. I have gotten a glimpse of the loneliness that they feel. The abandonment. The hopelessness. The worthlessness. It's very painful to be left at home all the time while your family goes out running around. Or while they go swim in the new pool.
I have been addicted to prescription pain medications...but they were my mothers. I just liked the high. I have tried in taking this pain medication to not become addicted to it. I have not taken it when I needed it for fear of being addicted to it again. I have refused myself medication to avoid that bondage again. And I have succeeded. But I totally understand it now. I don't know if this is the reason God has let me go through this, so that I could understand this addiction that people have....but He knows what He's doing.
I just know that I have an appointment Thursday to see if I can get my cast taken off and get a walking boot. I really hope so considering that on the 4th, I have a gig to sing at for the town celebration. Anyway. This has been a long blog. Ciao.
