Sometimes it feels like life is just too much. Do you know that feeling? Like you want to collapse and forget about all of your troubles, anxieties, frustrations, and pain. But you can't. You have to live it, live through it, keep going, try to keep your head above the water.
sometimes life seems too quiet
into paralyzing silence
like the moonless dark
meant to make me strong
I am fighting, fighting, fighting. Against self injury impulses, mostly. Last night was wicked hard... I wanted to cut so badly, so much, for no good reason at all. And it's getting serious now. If I let myself cut, I would go too far, end up going to the ER, and I can't have that. I can see myself cutting to the bone... can't do that. Can't. I would damage too much of me. Mentally and physically. So I must refrain, and that is one of the hardest things that I have to do. Hard times ahead, indeed. I can't allow myself to even do ice burns, because mild frostbite can turn into serious frostbite, and once again, I can see myself going too far.
familiar breath of my own lies
changed the color in my eyes
soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by
I am so very tired. Weary, exhausted. And soon I will be going to my neighbors to watch seven kids (!!!!)... but only for about half an hour. Thankfully. Three of them are twelve, so it shouldn't be too bad. I just hope they listen to me... I am 8 years older than the oldest of them, so that gives me some authority, I suppose. Hopefully!! Haha. Kids can be a handful... are a handful. And I don't like them. One on one they are okay, but in hordes... icky ick-o.
sorrow lasts through this night
i'll take this piece of you
and hold for all eternity
for just one second i felt whole
as you flew right through me
Marriage... wow. Prepping myself for that... it's going to be so weird to be a married woman. I will probably still consider myself a girl - after all, I am only twenty - but it just sounds weird to say "married girl." J&I are in premarital counseling now, and it is going okay. We have lots of homework, since we will be cramming in sessions quickly before we get married (coming up soon!
). I am looking forward to being married, challenges and frustrations and all. It will be nice to have J around every night, instead of only 3 days a week (haha, "only 3 days a week," when before we saw each other once every 6 months! I am getting spoilt!). We are getting closer each and every day, and I treasure the moments spent with him. He is my beloved, and however sappy that sounds, I am so thankful that God has led us together. I firmly believe that we are meant to be together.
left alone with only reflections of the memory
to face the ugly girl that's smothering me
sitting closer than my pain
he knew each tear before it came
soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by
I feel tough today, haha, because I am going "partial Goth." Or punk. Or something. Black tshirt, wristbands, and Vans. Wristbands always make me feel stronger than I really am. Tougher. More capable. It's really weird... I have been shopping at Hot Topic more lately - got a Skelanimals bag for school, a purple and black hoodie tshirt, and wristbands. HT has some good stuff, but a lot - a lot - of junk. Perverted stuff, gay pride stuff, etc., etc. But there are some cute things there. I am thinking of shopping at c28.com more now though, because they have quality Christian clothing (and wristbands! haha). Black, too, so I can still go Goth-y. I'm not a complete Goth, and my style changes from day to day (I have my own fashion! hehe), no O-ring tripp pants or pants with chains or anything (too expensive, otherwise I would have some), but I have baggy black pants and lots of black tshirts, some Christian and some not (although none are anti-Christian - just secular tshirts, like one for Within Temptation, one of my favorite Scandawegian bands). Black is my color. Unlike my profile pic, my hair is now brown with natural highlights - i.e., back to its normal color - because J prefers it that way. I do like it black better, but I will do as Jarrod likes - I am not his puppet, but I do like to make him happy, and he does have a more objective view than I do. As far as I go, the more black, the better. Heh.
Okay, long enough, and about time for me to head up to take care of those kids. Blah!! wish me luck.
Lyrics from "Sorrow" by Flyleaf.
sometimes life seems too quiet
into paralyzing silence
like the moonless dark
meant to make me strong
I am fighting, fighting, fighting. Against self injury impulses, mostly. Last night was wicked hard... I wanted to cut so badly, so much, for no good reason at all. And it's getting serious now. If I let myself cut, I would go too far, end up going to the ER, and I can't have that. I can see myself cutting to the bone... can't do that. Can't. I would damage too much of me. Mentally and physically. So I must refrain, and that is one of the hardest things that I have to do. Hard times ahead, indeed. I can't allow myself to even do ice burns, because mild frostbite can turn into serious frostbite, and once again, I can see myself going too far.
familiar breath of my own lies
changed the color in my eyes
soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by
I am so very tired. Weary, exhausted. And soon I will be going to my neighbors to watch seven kids (!!!!)... but only for about half an hour. Thankfully. Three of them are twelve, so it shouldn't be too bad. I just hope they listen to me... I am 8 years older than the oldest of them, so that gives me some authority, I suppose. Hopefully!! Haha. Kids can be a handful... are a handful. And I don't like them. One on one they are okay, but in hordes... icky ick-o.
sorrow lasts through this night
i'll take this piece of you
and hold for all eternity
for just one second i felt whole
as you flew right through me
Marriage... wow. Prepping myself for that... it's going to be so weird to be a married woman. I will probably still consider myself a girl - after all, I am only twenty - but it just sounds weird to say "married girl." J&I are in premarital counseling now, and it is going okay. We have lots of homework, since we will be cramming in sessions quickly before we get married (coming up soon!
). I am looking forward to being married, challenges and frustrations and all. It will be nice to have J around every night, instead of only 3 days a week (haha, "only 3 days a week," when before we saw each other once every 6 months! I am getting spoilt!). We are getting closer each and every day, and I treasure the moments spent with him. He is my beloved, and however sappy that sounds, I am so thankful that God has led us together. I firmly believe that we are meant to be together.left alone with only reflections of the memory
to face the ugly girl that's smothering me
sitting closer than my pain
he knew each tear before it came
soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by
I feel tough today, haha, because I am going "partial Goth." Or punk. Or something. Black tshirt, wristbands, and Vans. Wristbands always make me feel stronger than I really am. Tougher. More capable. It's really weird... I have been shopping at Hot Topic more lately - got a Skelanimals bag for school, a purple and black hoodie tshirt, and wristbands. HT has some good stuff, but a lot - a lot - of junk. Perverted stuff, gay pride stuff, etc., etc. But there are some cute things there. I am thinking of shopping at c28.com more now though, because they have quality Christian clothing (and wristbands! haha). Black, too, so I can still go Goth-y. I'm not a complete Goth, and my style changes from day to day (I have my own fashion! hehe), no O-ring tripp pants or pants with chains or anything (too expensive, otherwise I would have some), but I have baggy black pants and lots of black tshirts, some Christian and some not (although none are anti-Christian - just secular tshirts, like one for Within Temptation, one of my favorite Scandawegian bands). Black is my color. Unlike my profile pic, my hair is now brown with natural highlights - i.e., back to its normal color - because J prefers it that way. I do like it black better, but I will do as Jarrod likes - I am not his puppet, but I do like to make him happy, and he does have a more objective view than I do. As far as I go, the more black, the better. Heh.
Okay, long enough, and about time for me to head up to take care of those kids. Blah!! wish me luck.
Lyrics from "Sorrow" by Flyleaf.
