Let me write of memories. I don't know if they are true or not... but I will write of them nonetheless and see what comes of it.
Throughout high school I was a "normal" teenager - or so I thought. Looking back, I can attribute some of the things I did or said to my later diagnoses and issues. However, then, I knew next to nothing about mental health/mental illnesses, nor did I care, for I had no friends who had difficulties with "that type of thing."
In early 2004, when I was back to being homeschooled (more about this in a later entry), apparently I heard of SI - self injury. In this case, cutting. In December 2004 (the 10th to be exact) I self injured for the first time, over a 72% on a chem exam. (I still can't believe that I did that poorly on an exam... I am a perfectionist [obviously?] and beat myself up frequently over the poor quality of some of the things that I do in school.) I created blood blisters then, which hurt and left little red marks.
I don't know where I first heard of SI - I don't remember that. What I do remember is the hundreds of cuts and burns I made beneath my leather watch strap... which hid them quite well. There is a numb place on my skin and several deeper scars that have lasted there. Yes, I progressed from blood blisters to cutting soon enough, and the pain was amazingly cathartic. I hid it from my parents for six months, and by the time that they found out, it was a firmly entrenched habit and coping mechanism.
I wonder about self injury. I mean - yes, the pain releases endorphins - every SI'er knows this - but why? Why? Why do we do it in the first place? Why does it sound so inviting? What makes us keep doing it? Why do I scorn those who call themselves cutters who have cut for 4 months and then quit, for whatever reason? (I should be happy for them, that they got out of the hole before it was any deeper. But no, I am proud of the "cutter" label, rather than ashamed, and wish to keep it. I don't want to become an "ex-cutter" - no, I want to be and always be a cutter. And I don't know why - another good question to ask, perhaps?)
I recently heard on "BreakPoint" a blurb on self injury and To Write Love on Her Arms, which is a group that supports SI recovery (as well as depression and addiction recovery). I have written "Love" on my arms more times than I can count (I love colored sharpies! my fiancé got me a set of 24 for Valentine's Day, hehe), but it doesn't always help the pain inside. What surprised me, though, is that a Christian radio show would bring up SI. Several million Americans do it, whether it's cutting, burning, or trich(tillomania) (i.e., hair pulling). That number is a little scary, if you think about it. Millions of Americans in that much pain, that they resort to harming their bodies in hopes of relief (which, by the way, does indeed come).
I am not condoning self injury. No. I would never suggest to someone that s/he start... no. While I don't want to stop, I don't agree with someone else continuing to do it. It costs, sometimes more than you can pay. I have many scars, so many that they will get in the way of my future dreams of a job. My arms are not smooth anymore - I have over 120 permanent scars, ridged, white, shiny, thin, or wide... and I want to work in the psych field - mental health field - with people who suffer the same things that I have gone through. Yeah. Smart move, April.
I don't know if I will ever recover. I don't know if I will ever want to recover. I made it 581 days cut-free, but... I "slipped" in March and from there on out stopped counting.
Well, Jarrod (fiancé) and I are going to have an us-day, so I am going to be on my way. We're going to go to Barnes & Noble and Panera Bread, as well as a brief shopping trip for him. Yey! should be fun.
Throughout high school I was a "normal" teenager - or so I thought. Looking back, I can attribute some of the things I did or said to my later diagnoses and issues. However, then, I knew next to nothing about mental health/mental illnesses, nor did I care, for I had no friends who had difficulties with "that type of thing."
In early 2004, when I was back to being homeschooled (more about this in a later entry), apparently I heard of SI - self injury. In this case, cutting. In December 2004 (the 10th to be exact) I self injured for the first time, over a 72% on a chem exam. (I still can't believe that I did that poorly on an exam... I am a perfectionist [obviously?] and beat myself up frequently over the poor quality of some of the things that I do in school.) I created blood blisters then, which hurt and left little red marks.
I don't know where I first heard of SI - I don't remember that. What I do remember is the hundreds of cuts and burns I made beneath my leather watch strap... which hid them quite well. There is a numb place on my skin and several deeper scars that have lasted there. Yes, I progressed from blood blisters to cutting soon enough, and the pain was amazingly cathartic. I hid it from my parents for six months, and by the time that they found out, it was a firmly entrenched habit and coping mechanism.
I wonder about self injury. I mean - yes, the pain releases endorphins - every SI'er knows this - but why? Why? Why do we do it in the first place? Why does it sound so inviting? What makes us keep doing it? Why do I scorn those who call themselves cutters who have cut for 4 months and then quit, for whatever reason? (I should be happy for them, that they got out of the hole before it was any deeper. But no, I am proud of the "cutter" label, rather than ashamed, and wish to keep it. I don't want to become an "ex-cutter" - no, I want to be and always be a cutter. And I don't know why - another good question to ask, perhaps?)
I recently heard on "BreakPoint" a blurb on self injury and To Write Love on Her Arms, which is a group that supports SI recovery (as well as depression and addiction recovery). I have written "Love" on my arms more times than I can count (I love colored sharpies! my fiancé got me a set of 24 for Valentine's Day, hehe), but it doesn't always help the pain inside. What surprised me, though, is that a Christian radio show would bring up SI. Several million Americans do it, whether it's cutting, burning, or trich(tillomania) (i.e., hair pulling). That number is a little scary, if you think about it. Millions of Americans in that much pain, that they resort to harming their bodies in hopes of relief (which, by the way, does indeed come).
I am not condoning self injury. No. I would never suggest to someone that s/he start... no. While I don't want to stop, I don't agree with someone else continuing to do it. It costs, sometimes more than you can pay. I have many scars, so many that they will get in the way of my future dreams of a job. My arms are not smooth anymore - I have over 120 permanent scars, ridged, white, shiny, thin, or wide... and I want to work in the psych field - mental health field - with people who suffer the same things that I have gone through. Yeah. Smart move, April.
I don't know if I will ever recover. I don't know if I will ever want to recover. I made it 581 days cut-free, but... I "slipped" in March and from there on out stopped counting.
Well, Jarrod (fiancé) and I are going to have an us-day, so I am going to be on my way. We're going to go to Barnes & Noble and Panera Bread, as well as a brief shopping trip for him. Yey! should be fun.
