I sit alone in a small room looking into the mirror. I let my long black hair down and the makeup artist enters and begins to apply an endless amount of eye shadow as the hairstylist walks over. "It's time to get into character, come on you can do it. Their that's better, this will be easier now." Now that i have to people working on me, My hair starts to look presentable and my face begins to look like what everyone wants. The makeup artists brush covers up the real me and now only my alter ego remains, an ego that is fun! care free! who doesn't care about anything! who loves what she's doing! A girl who doesn't remember.
I grew up in southern California, in a suburb of Los Angeles. I loved my old town so much, It was right on the ocean. There is always boats zipping around outside and at the marina, especially on weekends when sometimes I would go out as well with my family. The town had many cute little land marks and small town features, like we still had a few corner stores that were family run. Also we have some of the best small restaurants around. so it was certainly a fun and beautiful place to grow up for my brother and twin sister Maria and I. My dad is one of the biggest real estate developers in Orange County so it allowed my mom to stay home with us kids. My grandparents on my dads side lived next door to us, so they were always over visiting, cooking and taking us across the street to the beach. My family was really close and one of the corner stones of our family was Catholicism.
Once my sister and I were old enough to go to school we were sent to catholic school. It was a few towns over and the school was really small, probably 150 – 200 of us at the most. It was there at 5 years old I made most the friends I would have throughout my teen years. Even at an early age it was pretty obvious school wasn't my thing. I probably had the ability to be a good student but i preferred playing with my friends or going to the beach. My sister on the other hand was an excellent student and worked as hard as she could to do as well as possible. She also was a far batter athlete, even though i held my own in track (I use to be a really good 400 meter runner). Even though we were twins we were pretty different even if we didn’t look it, but I think our differences made us closer. I was the more girly girl and she was more the well rounded twin. She wanted to be a CEO, or president, and I was happy with Ms. America.
We had a really tight knit group of 5 girlfriends including us. We all were attached at the hip. When the weather was warm we would all go to my house and go into the pool or if it was cold we would go over another girls house and watch MTV and just chill out and talk. We all were different in our personalities but managed to get along great. We did everything together from going to the mall to going on vacation together and once we hit high school/late middle school partying together.
High school for me was a good time. Their was always something to do and it was when I felt most free. I first heart break about 2 or 3 months into freshman year, a friend of mine who was 2 years older had a party. I went with a bunch of my friends but as the night wore on everyone left but her and her boyfriend and I. She talked me into having a 3 way with the 2 of them and for some reason I did it. Pictures got taken and it just was not a good idea, I had been drinking and my friend really was peer pressuring me. So I did it and lost my virginity and I had no regrets until it was time for school the next day and found out the whole school knew. The pictures had gotten around to and I was so upset! I felt mad, betrayed, just overall sad. She basically blamed it all on me, and I had this little dark cloud over me for awhile. I really decided then to make sure no one ever hurt me again, and I guarded myself much better the next time a guy came around. I got into my first real relationship later on freshman year. I dated this guy Mike for all 4 years of high school and we had what my friends called "The perfect relationship". He was a totally gorgeous Spanish/Italian guy and really helped me in so many ways as teenager. Most of all he let me know I was loved, beautiful and always had a friend. He was my first love and the focal point of my teenage life. I learned from my mistakes and made him wait over a year before I decided it was time we got intimate. I knew then that me and him were both very in love.
Also in high school I started experimenting with drugs. Nothing real serious, started with weed and prescription drugs, mostly just a party enhancer. It was far from a problem more of just a weekend thing. It did however introduce me to the side of myself that wasn't a straight laced catholic school girl. Before I knew it, it was time for junior prom. Prom was in my opinion the high point of my life, I had things moving in regards to college, I was a varsity runner, Had people who I thought were the best friends a girl could have around her, A beautiful boyfriend, A great family, A shallow as it seems money, A ford expedition, All the shopping money I ever needed. It was the perfect life I thought, Prom night was the culmination of all of these great things going on for me. I had a very expensive designer dress, great hair, great make up, I was ready to go. Mike looked amazing in a long tux, I knew I had found the one for me! Smart, Going somewhere, Well off, Football and basketball star, he was everything I wanted in a man. My sister and her date, Mike and I all shared a limo. My parents seemed so proud of us, my dad always said he loved Mike and thought of him as a son, so it was nice to have my family support us.
Prom was at this really nice hotel and it seemed like the whole thing was made for the four of us. All four of us got on the prom court with my sister winning queen, so it was just a really nice topper. After prom the four of us and the rest of our friends headed to a few parties and then went to a friends beach house after for the weekend. But after this weekend was over we were all ready to graduate and move on to college. Mike was going to a small college in LA so we could stay together and he could play football, and Maria and I were going to USC.
2 weeks before college started the 5 of us best friends all went to Cabo San Lucas for a week to kick off the new school year, Little did we know next time we were all together things would be far different. The week went by to fast and we all had a great time and care free time. Once we got back we packed up and headed off to our various campuses across the country.
It was the average Friday night for Maria and I in college. We went to a party and had a little to drink by midnight we were looking to go over to UCLA to party with a few people we knew. Maria decided that we should take her car and we set off. I didn't really think either of us were that drunk but I guess I was wrong and about 10 minutes into our drive we crashed. Maria took a sharp turn at 65 mph and it easily flipped the expedition. When I came to I crawled out of the car and passed out. After that I woke up in the hospital and my first question to the nurse was "is my sister okay?" That was when I found out that Maria had passed away. I broke down totally, I felt like a part of me died. I never think I wept before, I cried when me friend hurt me freshmen year, but never wept before. They had to get a few nurses and a doctor in to calm me down and give me sedatives. When my parents visited it didn't make things any better. Instead of helping me get through my injuries or grieve for my sister they blamed me for her death.
The coming weeks were hell for me. I was attacked by my family from all directions "Isabelle how could you be so irresponsible?" "Isabelle how could you?". They made me feel like a killer, like everything was my fault. The wake and funeral were so hard for everyone and especially me. This was not the way I expected my friends and I
meeting again after the first months of college. Soon they went back to school and I
was left at home to recover. Life at home was hell and I looked for any chance to escape this prison I was seemingly trapped in. It was during this time i began to drink heavily to escape what I was going through at home. My relationship with Mike suffered and quickly fell apart as my drinking became heavier and heavier.
With my sister gone, my boyfriend and I finished and my family hating me I decided to leave school for good and go to Florida. I went to Miami to stay with a friend and their I got my first job and tried to start over. My memories and dreams however would make that impossible as they got worse so did my drinking. I quickly lost my first job and with my money running short I could call my parents and beg or answer an add for adult models I saw. I chose the latter and made the call.
The scene ended up being hardcore and was for an amateur website. Luckily it was over quickly and it wasn't extremely hardcore. I took my first taste of the industry and my 800 dollars and went home. After some hard thinking i decided that I could make some money in the porn business, I was considered attractive and had a lot qualities that men like. So I packed my bags again and made arrangements to meet an agent in California.
The plane ride home I was so nervous. I was heading back to the very place I traveled across the country to escape from. I wondered what could this job be like? Can i make it? What if people find out? All these questions and a thousand more raced through my head. Once at the airport my agent picked me up. HE WASN'T WHAT I EXPECTED. I expected him to be a good looking 30 year old with slicked back hair wearing a business suit with a blue tooth. Instead I was greeted by a 50 year old disgustingly ugly fat man in a old t shirt with shorts on. Still I was polite and he brought me to his office which turned out to be his house. I was so scared when I was their because I didn't know if this guy was some crazy killer or something. He said i could spend the night and I really didn't want to be rude so I said I would. This night propelled me to my current position.
Their is a hand around my throat and I am getting tossed around 20 minutes later it is over. My first Gonzo scene is over and I get dressed and go through the motions and finally leave the set 6 hours after getting their. It's hard for me to put my mind around what just happened, I pull my car off to the side of the road and just stare off not even caring what I am looking at. I just had gotten humiliated and degraded in the worst of ways and for what a few thousand dollars? I remember when I use to "run" my high school how did I end up here? I remember when I would never even consider doing this, I remember when I was loved.
My cell phone rings at 9 in the morning waking me up, I reach for it but knock it off the head stand and I reach down and answer. "Hello? Megan one of my best friends is on the other line "What the hell are you doing? Ummmm Megan? So you are a huge crack wh0re now? It wasn't enough you got your sister killed?". I hang up the phone in disbelief that she knows, I never expected people to find out I had only done a handful of movies and online clips and she already knows. I feel the bottom fall out, their is no way to damage control this I just can't care.
It wasn't long now before my friends knew, my family knew, I bet even my old high school janitor found out. I was the wh0re of my old town and seemingly orange county, at least that is how everyone made me feel. For an already depressed person this just makes you feel more alone, i didn't think anyone could relate to me or understand my pain. I quickly became very popular and even though I had large amounts of "fans" and lots of people to party with at night the mornings were empty. Only one things kept me company in the morning first name Jim last name Beam.
Getting wasted in the morning makes the rest of the day not seem so real, a gonzo scene seems only like a very bad nightmare one that doesn't go away though. It's so weird to give yourself to a person and have them do such degrading things to you, i know people call porn emotionless sex but to bad their is no such thing really. I found more and more I would "zone out" for really long periods of time after scenes just starring off into nothing my mind someplace else. Pills and coke occupied larger and larger amounts of my conscious time and so did a guy i had worked with and he took me out a few times after. We jumped into each other head long and at first it was good because it was nice not to be so alone, but he got mean sometimes.
Sometimes he would tell me i was beautiful, other times I was ugly and nothing special. A nose job followed and so did more films. we were dating now and also using everyday. My boyfriend would do something sweet for me and then turn around and call me a name or slap me. I did feel like I could confidently say i loved him but I felt like I needed to truly let go of Mike to do that.
I called Mike and we had a very awkward conversation about how school was going for him, he was very careful not to switch the subject to anything about me. I guess the thought of me doing what I am is to painful for him or something. We set up a meeting for dinner and was so nervous about seeing him, strange considering we shared everything for a long period of time. I took over an hour the day before to pick out what i was going to wear and at least 2 1/2 hours the day of to get ready. When i saw him he looked good as always and we hugged when we met but it was different then usual, he didn't hold me tight it was just a greeting hug. The whole time at dinner was weird and I got the craving for coke and did a few lines in the bathroom. When I came back out he was gone and he left a note and money for dinner and that was that. I went home satisfied i loved my boyfriend.
I grew up in southern California, in a suburb of Los Angeles. I loved my old town so much, It was right on the ocean. There is always boats zipping around outside and at the marina, especially on weekends when sometimes I would go out as well with my family. The town had many cute little land marks and small town features, like we still had a few corner stores that were family run. Also we have some of the best small restaurants around. so it was certainly a fun and beautiful place to grow up for my brother and twin sister Maria and I. My dad is one of the biggest real estate developers in Orange County so it allowed my mom to stay home with us kids. My grandparents on my dads side lived next door to us, so they were always over visiting, cooking and taking us across the street to the beach. My family was really close and one of the corner stones of our family was Catholicism.
Once my sister and I were old enough to go to school we were sent to catholic school. It was a few towns over and the school was really small, probably 150 – 200 of us at the most. It was there at 5 years old I made most the friends I would have throughout my teen years. Even at an early age it was pretty obvious school wasn't my thing. I probably had the ability to be a good student but i preferred playing with my friends or going to the beach. My sister on the other hand was an excellent student and worked as hard as she could to do as well as possible. She also was a far batter athlete, even though i held my own in track (I use to be a really good 400 meter runner). Even though we were twins we were pretty different even if we didn’t look it, but I think our differences made us closer. I was the more girly girl and she was more the well rounded twin. She wanted to be a CEO, or president, and I was happy with Ms. America.
We had a really tight knit group of 5 girlfriends including us. We all were attached at the hip. When the weather was warm we would all go to my house and go into the pool or if it was cold we would go over another girls house and watch MTV and just chill out and talk. We all were different in our personalities but managed to get along great. We did everything together from going to the mall to going on vacation together and once we hit high school/late middle school partying together.
High school for me was a good time. Their was always something to do and it was when I felt most free. I first heart break about 2 or 3 months into freshman year, a friend of mine who was 2 years older had a party. I went with a bunch of my friends but as the night wore on everyone left but her and her boyfriend and I. She talked me into having a 3 way with the 2 of them and for some reason I did it. Pictures got taken and it just was not a good idea, I had been drinking and my friend really was peer pressuring me. So I did it and lost my virginity and I had no regrets until it was time for school the next day and found out the whole school knew. The pictures had gotten around to and I was so upset! I felt mad, betrayed, just overall sad. She basically blamed it all on me, and I had this little dark cloud over me for awhile. I really decided then to make sure no one ever hurt me again, and I guarded myself much better the next time a guy came around. I got into my first real relationship later on freshman year. I dated this guy Mike for all 4 years of high school and we had what my friends called "The perfect relationship". He was a totally gorgeous Spanish/Italian guy and really helped me in so many ways as teenager. Most of all he let me know I was loved, beautiful and always had a friend. He was my first love and the focal point of my teenage life. I learned from my mistakes and made him wait over a year before I decided it was time we got intimate. I knew then that me and him were both very in love.
Also in high school I started experimenting with drugs. Nothing real serious, started with weed and prescription drugs, mostly just a party enhancer. It was far from a problem more of just a weekend thing. It did however introduce me to the side of myself that wasn't a straight laced catholic school girl. Before I knew it, it was time for junior prom. Prom was in my opinion the high point of my life, I had things moving in regards to college, I was a varsity runner, Had people who I thought were the best friends a girl could have around her, A beautiful boyfriend, A great family, A shallow as it seems money, A ford expedition, All the shopping money I ever needed. It was the perfect life I thought, Prom night was the culmination of all of these great things going on for me. I had a very expensive designer dress, great hair, great make up, I was ready to go. Mike looked amazing in a long tux, I knew I had found the one for me! Smart, Going somewhere, Well off, Football and basketball star, he was everything I wanted in a man. My sister and her date, Mike and I all shared a limo. My parents seemed so proud of us, my dad always said he loved Mike and thought of him as a son, so it was nice to have my family support us.
Prom was at this really nice hotel and it seemed like the whole thing was made for the four of us. All four of us got on the prom court with my sister winning queen, so it was just a really nice topper. After prom the four of us and the rest of our friends headed to a few parties and then went to a friends beach house after for the weekend. But after this weekend was over we were all ready to graduate and move on to college. Mike was going to a small college in LA so we could stay together and he could play football, and Maria and I were going to USC.
2 weeks before college started the 5 of us best friends all went to Cabo San Lucas for a week to kick off the new school year, Little did we know next time we were all together things would be far different. The week went by to fast and we all had a great time and care free time. Once we got back we packed up and headed off to our various campuses across the country.
It was the average Friday night for Maria and I in college. We went to a party and had a little to drink by midnight we were looking to go over to UCLA to party with a few people we knew. Maria decided that we should take her car and we set off. I didn't really think either of us were that drunk but I guess I was wrong and about 10 minutes into our drive we crashed. Maria took a sharp turn at 65 mph and it easily flipped the expedition. When I came to I crawled out of the car and passed out. After that I woke up in the hospital and my first question to the nurse was "is my sister okay?" That was when I found out that Maria had passed away. I broke down totally, I felt like a part of me died. I never think I wept before, I cried when me friend hurt me freshmen year, but never wept before. They had to get a few nurses and a doctor in to calm me down and give me sedatives. When my parents visited it didn't make things any better. Instead of helping me get through my injuries or grieve for my sister they blamed me for her death.
The coming weeks were hell for me. I was attacked by my family from all directions "Isabelle how could you be so irresponsible?" "Isabelle how could you?". They made me feel like a killer, like everything was my fault. The wake and funeral were so hard for everyone and especially me. This was not the way I expected my friends and I
meeting again after the first months of college. Soon they went back to school and I
was left at home to recover. Life at home was hell and I looked for any chance to escape this prison I was seemingly trapped in. It was during this time i began to drink heavily to escape what I was going through at home. My relationship with Mike suffered and quickly fell apart as my drinking became heavier and heavier.
With my sister gone, my boyfriend and I finished and my family hating me I decided to leave school for good and go to Florida. I went to Miami to stay with a friend and their I got my first job and tried to start over. My memories and dreams however would make that impossible as they got worse so did my drinking. I quickly lost my first job and with my money running short I could call my parents and beg or answer an add for adult models I saw. I chose the latter and made the call.
The scene ended up being hardcore and was for an amateur website. Luckily it was over quickly and it wasn't extremely hardcore. I took my first taste of the industry and my 800 dollars and went home. After some hard thinking i decided that I could make some money in the porn business, I was considered attractive and had a lot qualities that men like. So I packed my bags again and made arrangements to meet an agent in California.
The plane ride home I was so nervous. I was heading back to the very place I traveled across the country to escape from. I wondered what could this job be like? Can i make it? What if people find out? All these questions and a thousand more raced through my head. Once at the airport my agent picked me up. HE WASN'T WHAT I EXPECTED. I expected him to be a good looking 30 year old with slicked back hair wearing a business suit with a blue tooth. Instead I was greeted by a 50 year old disgustingly ugly fat man in a old t shirt with shorts on. Still I was polite and he brought me to his office which turned out to be his house. I was so scared when I was their because I didn't know if this guy was some crazy killer or something. He said i could spend the night and I really didn't want to be rude so I said I would. This night propelled me to my current position.
Their is a hand around my throat and I am getting tossed around 20 minutes later it is over. My first Gonzo scene is over and I get dressed and go through the motions and finally leave the set 6 hours after getting their. It's hard for me to put my mind around what just happened, I pull my car off to the side of the road and just stare off not even caring what I am looking at. I just had gotten humiliated and degraded in the worst of ways and for what a few thousand dollars? I remember when I use to "run" my high school how did I end up here? I remember when I would never even consider doing this, I remember when I was loved.
My cell phone rings at 9 in the morning waking me up, I reach for it but knock it off the head stand and I reach down and answer. "Hello? Megan one of my best friends is on the other line "What the hell are you doing? Ummmm Megan? So you are a huge crack wh0re now? It wasn't enough you got your sister killed?". I hang up the phone in disbelief that she knows, I never expected people to find out I had only done a handful of movies and online clips and she already knows. I feel the bottom fall out, their is no way to damage control this I just can't care.
It wasn't long now before my friends knew, my family knew, I bet even my old high school janitor found out. I was the wh0re of my old town and seemingly orange county, at least that is how everyone made me feel. For an already depressed person this just makes you feel more alone, i didn't think anyone could relate to me or understand my pain. I quickly became very popular and even though I had large amounts of "fans" and lots of people to party with at night the mornings were empty. Only one things kept me company in the morning first name Jim last name Beam.
Getting wasted in the morning makes the rest of the day not seem so real, a gonzo scene seems only like a very bad nightmare one that doesn't go away though. It's so weird to give yourself to a person and have them do such degrading things to you, i know people call porn emotionless sex but to bad their is no such thing really. I found more and more I would "zone out" for really long periods of time after scenes just starring off into nothing my mind someplace else. Pills and coke occupied larger and larger amounts of my conscious time and so did a guy i had worked with and he took me out a few times after. We jumped into each other head long and at first it was good because it was nice not to be so alone, but he got mean sometimes.
Sometimes he would tell me i was beautiful, other times I was ugly and nothing special. A nose job followed and so did more films. we were dating now and also using everyday. My boyfriend would do something sweet for me and then turn around and call me a name or slap me. I did feel like I could confidently say i loved him but I felt like I needed to truly let go of Mike to do that.
I called Mike and we had a very awkward conversation about how school was going for him, he was very careful not to switch the subject to anything about me. I guess the thought of me doing what I am is to painful for him or something. We set up a meeting for dinner and was so nervous about seeing him, strange considering we shared everything for a long period of time. I took over an hour the day before to pick out what i was going to wear and at least 2 1/2 hours the day of to get ready. When i saw him he looked good as always and we hugged when we met but it was different then usual, he didn't hold me tight it was just a greeting hug. The whole time at dinner was weird and I got the craving for coke and did a few lines in the bathroom. When I came back out he was gone and he left a note and money for dinner and that was that. I went home satisfied i loved my boyfriend.
