I struggle everyday with knowing the person I should be and being her. It is not always easy. I tend to over think things. I get disappointed in myself. I feel I should be a stronger person than I am. It is weird. Why are we so tough on ourselves? Why is it ok for another person to ask forgiveness? Why is it ok for someone to walk away? Why is it that I can't let myself fail so end up holding on until the pain controls every part of me?
At the end of the day I always end up asking why am I here. Why is it that I always end up in a place that I never thought that I would make it to. After all it is not the life I had planned for. In fact the plan that I had only involved leaving Australia for 2 years and then returning to continue my career. Instead I am in a place that I never imagined. So what am I doing here? Is there some special mission I am supposed to do? Is it that I am supposed to be saving the world? I wish life was like the beginning of a Mission Impossible episode. You get the mission before you leave. You know what the outcome is supposed to be. Unfortunately, my life is more like a choose your own adventure. I only know where I am supposed to go. Once i get there... well that is another story altogether.
Like I said, I have been struggling. I feel like I keep getting silence from God. I have all these questions. I don't do good with silence. I find it so painful. It brings out my anxiety. It makes me feel that I have no relationship with Him at all. It makes me feel lonely. And when I feel lonely I fill up the void with what ever I can. Of course I know that I should be seeking Him more in these times but times like these make me reach to other sources of happiness to fill the bits that are missing.
I am not saying that I have nothing good in my life but that there is something that is missing. It has been missing for a long time now. I have been sent to various countries throughout the world to search for it and I think that I am finally starting to find it. I need to have reltionships. We all do. So many times I have tried to do everything by myself. I have been working hard to prove to God that I am strong enough and brave enough when all He wants me to be humble enough and dependent enough to rely on Him. To build my relationship with Him based on how only He can fill the missing parts.
At the end of the day I always end up asking why am I here. Why is it that I always end up in a place that I never thought that I would make it to. After all it is not the life I had planned for. In fact the plan that I had only involved leaving Australia for 2 years and then returning to continue my career. Instead I am in a place that I never imagined. So what am I doing here? Is there some special mission I am supposed to do? Is it that I am supposed to be saving the world? I wish life was like the beginning of a Mission Impossible episode. You get the mission before you leave. You know what the outcome is supposed to be. Unfortunately, my life is more like a choose your own adventure. I only know where I am supposed to go. Once i get there... well that is another story altogether.
Like I said, I have been struggling. I feel like I keep getting silence from God. I have all these questions. I don't do good with silence. I find it so painful. It brings out my anxiety. It makes me feel that I have no relationship with Him at all. It makes me feel lonely. And when I feel lonely I fill up the void with what ever I can. Of course I know that I should be seeking Him more in these times but times like these make me reach to other sources of happiness to fill the bits that are missing.
I am not saying that I have nothing good in my life but that there is something that is missing. It has been missing for a long time now. I have been sent to various countries throughout the world to search for it and I think that I am finally starting to find it. I need to have reltionships. We all do. So many times I have tried to do everything by myself. I have been working hard to prove to God that I am strong enough and brave enough when all He wants me to be humble enough and dependent enough to rely on Him. To build my relationship with Him based on how only He can fill the missing parts.
