I am posting in the morning this time, since it will make a difference what I write about! Nighttimes lead to nighttime crashes, which lead in turn to thoughts of SI and SUI. I am learning the pattern.
Am at my job right now - thankfully I have a computer that works - just sitting so I definitely can use the time to update my blogs and keep up with people.
I am determined to give up SI and SUI. It will always be there for me if I see the need to come back... but it is hurting people and hurting me and hurting my relationships. So... I need to give it up and start truly living for God.
I am going to wait on this choice for a few days, though, so the initial high of feeling closer to God dies down. I can get really jacked up on it, and I don't like that feeling - I don't know if it is merited or not - I am bipolar, so that probably have something to do with the "severity" of the high - but then again, it's God we're talking about - why not be high about Him??
But in any case, I won't talk too much about this until I get more comfortable with the thought. I don't even know if it will work - ever since December 2004 I have not stopped SI'ing for any great length of time - even when I didn't cut for 581 days, I was still SI'ing every once in awhile. So this really is a big thing. And - I don't want to disappoint people - so avoiding talking too much about it would be a good thing.
I'm pretty tired today, but not sleepy - have had enough caffeine to keep me awake, I think! My "shift" here is almost done - I work 9-11 and 12-1 on Mondays, but I think that I am just going to stick around here from 11-12 bc it is simpler - I have nowhere to go, really, so I can just hang out here with my books, journal, and computer. And lunch, of course. (Or perhaps not of course, since I would like to skip it - but won't. Blah.)
I wonder how many people read this. And out of those people, how many read it out of morbid curiosity (bc sometimes, I will admit, that is what I do when I run across people's blogs like mine... curiosity at what will happen next, and a feeling of kinship for those that are struggling).
Well, I'm feeling okay right now, thank God. Not horribly SUI, don't want to SI too badly...
...so on that happy note, I will end.
Am at my job right now - thankfully I have a computer that works - just sitting so I definitely can use the time to update my blogs and keep up with people.
I am determined to give up SI and SUI. It will always be there for me if I see the need to come back... but it is hurting people and hurting me and hurting my relationships. So... I need to give it up and start truly living for God.
I am going to wait on this choice for a few days, though, so the initial high of feeling closer to God dies down. I can get really jacked up on it, and I don't like that feeling - I don't know if it is merited or not - I am bipolar, so that probably have something to do with the "severity" of the high - but then again, it's God we're talking about - why not be high about Him??
But in any case, I won't talk too much about this until I get more comfortable with the thought. I don't even know if it will work - ever since December 2004 I have not stopped SI'ing for any great length of time - even when I didn't cut for 581 days, I was still SI'ing every once in awhile. So this really is a big thing. And - I don't want to disappoint people - so avoiding talking too much about it would be a good thing.
I'm pretty tired today, but not sleepy - have had enough caffeine to keep me awake, I think! My "shift" here is almost done - I work 9-11 and 12-1 on Mondays, but I think that I am just going to stick around here from 11-12 bc it is simpler - I have nowhere to go, really, so I can just hang out here with my books, journal, and computer. And lunch, of course. (Or perhaps not of course, since I would like to skip it - but won't. Blah.)
I wonder how many people read this. And out of those people, how many read it out of morbid curiosity (bc sometimes, I will admit, that is what I do when I run across people's blogs like mine... curiosity at what will happen next, and a feeling of kinship for those that are struggling).
Well, I'm feeling okay right now, thank God. Not horribly SUI, don't want to SI too badly...
...so on that happy note, I will end.
