I'm really having a hard time with some things right now. For starters, I've been talking to my family for a while now. I talk to my dad weekly and look forward to our conversations. I talk to two of my brothers, though are relationship is distant, it's there. And finally, I talk to my mom. I don't look forward to these conversations. The last time she called me, she was all drugged up. She was mumbling and sounded like half her face was paralyzed. Her thoughts were sporatic at best, and nothing she was saying was making sense. I doubt she even remembers calling me.
Yet the conversation I had with her before that, she was going on about how well she was doing and how much "God" had "blessed" her and how her "angels" were watching out for her the past 5 years. She went on to talk about how good she was feeling. And I said something to the affect of "well it is definitely nice to not be addicted to pain medication anymore. I'm glad you can identify now". And she said "I was never addicted to pain medication. I've never abused drugs!". Thus, my skepticism was confirmed, and I realized that she hasn't changed a bit.
What do you do with a family member who is an addict, that everyone knows is an addict, but who is in denial and has been for some twenty years? Leave her be? Some might say "aww she's not hurting anyone but herself", but that's not true. I didn't have a mother growing up. I was the mother growing up. I love her, and I'm not mad at her. I just don't know. I want to know my mother the way she remembers herself. I wish I could reach inside her fantasy world and spend a day with her. I'm sure she has some sort of dementia. I wish that I could touch the real her deep down in the core of her being and say all the things I feel in my spirit for her. I don't normally talk all charismatic like that. Sorry.
The other thing I'm having a really hard time with is singing. Well, more like all the attention I get from singing. Someone came to church this week just to hear me sing. I know that I should be thankful that they showed up to church. People keep telling me "it doesn't matter what gets them in the door, it just matters that they are there" and "If He uses your voice to bring people, then let Him do it". Those things sound right. But it doesn't feel right. At this point, I guess that would be because I am unsure of a lot of things, including myself. All I know is that I love to sing and when I sing, I don't even know that anyone else is even there. Its just me and Jesus. I've said all of this before, I know. But it's true. So this person that came to church just to hear me sing...I felt bad because he came up and asked me if I could sing a solo. And I'm like wanting to scream "that's not what this is about!". But he is a first time visitor so rather than smack him, I just nervously laugh because I'm embarassed that he is drawing attention to me, and politely chuckle "no, not today". I was mortified. When I sing, that's my time of intimacy with Jesus. Then to have someone come up and bring me back to the reality of "hey, you're in the spotlight and everyone is watching you" is SUCH a buzzkill. Then I'm like wondering why are they watching me. And then I wonder what I am doing wrong that they are watching me. And I see just how unworthy I am that they are watching me. I hope that it's not me that they are watching, but Jesus in me. But then to have people come up and ask me to sing a solo and tell me that they came just to hear me totally ruins that fantasy.
People wonder why I get so upset when people draw attention to my voice. Part of it, I explained above. But deep down inside, I don't think that's really the whole answer. I don't know why it upsets me so much. I know I am unsettled about what I am supposed to do with all of this. I love to sing. I never really thought it would be such a big deal though. I mean people want to pay to hear me sing. I get asked all the time to make a cd. I get asked to come lead worship at other churches. (Three times since Christmas!). And that blows my mind. I'm like "why". But then I know that the "why" is because people enjoy hearing me sing. I guess part of it is lack of self-esteem or confidence or whatever. I have no idea. And I do want to make a cd. I think it would be fun. Maybe then I would hear what everyone else hears and I would get it. I totally dont understand why God would give me such a public gift knowing how much of a loser introvert I am. Jerk. It's got to be one of the cruellest jokes ever. Seriously.
And the other part is that it makes me feel like I don't belong. It makes me feel like I am just an attraction. Like I said, I am a major introvert. I have my family, and my band and close friends. But at church, I don't socialize at all. I hide. I know it. I don't even really talk to my friends but maybe once or twice a week. If that. And Danny is really the only one I talk to every day that is a part of my personal life. I have work, but you know how that is. And part of that is just because I don't know what to say. I talk, but I'm not like socially aware like everyone else. I say ackward things at ackward times. I cuss sometimes. A lot less than I used to, but I still do it. And I have a lot of weird thoughts that make people think. I have a lot of different views. And maybe those are all excuses for me to stay introverted. But they are relevent and true. My life has taken me down a road that identifies with all people and identifies with no people. The prophetic cult I was in not only liked me because I could sing, but they also liked me because I was weird the way I am and for some reason, every conversation that people had with me ended up hitting a nerve within someone and take them out of their comfort zones which made them an easy target for a "prophetic word" from the leader guy. It was like you couldn't have a conversation with me without it getting intimate. And thank God I've gotten better at not doing that. I just talk about stupid stuff. Like now. I'm talking too much. This is what I like to call word vomit.
Anyway. I do feel like I don't belong. And Sunday the pastor hit my nerve. He got up to do the benediction and he was like "someone here feels like they don't belong" and that was all I heard and I tuned him out cause I was like "oh S***....not again". I've been trying to get into this ladies meeting thingie that the church does and I totally feel like I don't belong there. I feel like a basset hound in a greyhound dog show. But I'm stepping out and going to this two day retreat thing. And I don't know what I'm going to do there. I might take an invisibility cloak. They are going to be talking about their feelings and crap. The last time I went to one of these things, I ended up losing a job, a place to stay, and a direction for my life. Because I talked about myself. I told them where I had been. Then the lady that I was going to work for called me 2 days after the retreat, told me she no longer needed my services and fired me. That was a big wake up call to how Christians really were. So yeah. I'm a little skeptic. But so far, the "other shoe" hasn't dropped. And I've been here almost 2 years. So maybe this time it will be different. Maybe I'll just learn to keep my mouth shut and be the singer that people know. But you know what? It sucks to have a voice and no one to hear you, while all the while, you're the one they are there to hear.
Yet the conversation I had with her before that, she was going on about how well she was doing and how much "God" had "blessed" her and how her "angels" were watching out for her the past 5 years. She went on to talk about how good she was feeling. And I said something to the affect of "well it is definitely nice to not be addicted to pain medication anymore. I'm glad you can identify now". And she said "I was never addicted to pain medication. I've never abused drugs!". Thus, my skepticism was confirmed, and I realized that she hasn't changed a bit.
What do you do with a family member who is an addict, that everyone knows is an addict, but who is in denial and has been for some twenty years? Leave her be? Some might say "aww she's not hurting anyone but herself", but that's not true. I didn't have a mother growing up. I was the mother growing up. I love her, and I'm not mad at her. I just don't know. I want to know my mother the way she remembers herself. I wish I could reach inside her fantasy world and spend a day with her. I'm sure she has some sort of dementia. I wish that I could touch the real her deep down in the core of her being and say all the things I feel in my spirit for her. I don't normally talk all charismatic like that. Sorry.
The other thing I'm having a really hard time with is singing. Well, more like all the attention I get from singing. Someone came to church this week just to hear me sing. I know that I should be thankful that they showed up to church. People keep telling me "it doesn't matter what gets them in the door, it just matters that they are there" and "If He uses your voice to bring people, then let Him do it". Those things sound right. But it doesn't feel right. At this point, I guess that would be because I am unsure of a lot of things, including myself. All I know is that I love to sing and when I sing, I don't even know that anyone else is even there. Its just me and Jesus. I've said all of this before, I know. But it's true. So this person that came to church just to hear me sing...I felt bad because he came up and asked me if I could sing a solo. And I'm like wanting to scream "that's not what this is about!". But he is a first time visitor so rather than smack him, I just nervously laugh because I'm embarassed that he is drawing attention to me, and politely chuckle "no, not today". I was mortified. When I sing, that's my time of intimacy with Jesus. Then to have someone come up and bring me back to the reality of "hey, you're in the spotlight and everyone is watching you" is SUCH a buzzkill. Then I'm like wondering why are they watching me. And then I wonder what I am doing wrong that they are watching me. And I see just how unworthy I am that they are watching me. I hope that it's not me that they are watching, but Jesus in me. But then to have people come up and ask me to sing a solo and tell me that they came just to hear me totally ruins that fantasy.
People wonder why I get so upset when people draw attention to my voice. Part of it, I explained above. But deep down inside, I don't think that's really the whole answer. I don't know why it upsets me so much. I know I am unsettled about what I am supposed to do with all of this. I love to sing. I never really thought it would be such a big deal though. I mean people want to pay to hear me sing. I get asked all the time to make a cd. I get asked to come lead worship at other churches. (Three times since Christmas!). And that blows my mind. I'm like "why". But then I know that the "why" is because people enjoy hearing me sing. I guess part of it is lack of self-esteem or confidence or whatever. I have no idea. And I do want to make a cd. I think it would be fun. Maybe then I would hear what everyone else hears and I would get it. I totally dont understand why God would give me such a public gift knowing how much of a loser introvert I am. Jerk. It's got to be one of the cruellest jokes ever. Seriously.
And the other part is that it makes me feel like I don't belong. It makes me feel like I am just an attraction. Like I said, I am a major introvert. I have my family, and my band and close friends. But at church, I don't socialize at all. I hide. I know it. I don't even really talk to my friends but maybe once or twice a week. If that. And Danny is really the only one I talk to every day that is a part of my personal life. I have work, but you know how that is. And part of that is just because I don't know what to say. I talk, but I'm not like socially aware like everyone else. I say ackward things at ackward times. I cuss sometimes. A lot less than I used to, but I still do it. And I have a lot of weird thoughts that make people think. I have a lot of different views. And maybe those are all excuses for me to stay introverted. But they are relevent and true. My life has taken me down a road that identifies with all people and identifies with no people. The prophetic cult I was in not only liked me because I could sing, but they also liked me because I was weird the way I am and for some reason, every conversation that people had with me ended up hitting a nerve within someone and take them out of their comfort zones which made them an easy target for a "prophetic word" from the leader guy. It was like you couldn't have a conversation with me without it getting intimate. And thank God I've gotten better at not doing that. I just talk about stupid stuff. Like now. I'm talking too much. This is what I like to call word vomit.
Anyway. I do feel like I don't belong. And Sunday the pastor hit my nerve. He got up to do the benediction and he was like "someone here feels like they don't belong" and that was all I heard and I tuned him out cause I was like "oh S***....not again". I've been trying to get into this ladies meeting thingie that the church does and I totally feel like I don't belong there. I feel like a basset hound in a greyhound dog show. But I'm stepping out and going to this two day retreat thing. And I don't know what I'm going to do there. I might take an invisibility cloak. They are going to be talking about their feelings and crap. The last time I went to one of these things, I ended up losing a job, a place to stay, and a direction for my life. Because I talked about myself. I told them where I had been. Then the lady that I was going to work for called me 2 days after the retreat, told me she no longer needed my services and fired me. That was a big wake up call to how Christians really were. So yeah. I'm a little skeptic. But so far, the "other shoe" hasn't dropped. And I've been here almost 2 years. So maybe this time it will be different. Maybe I'll just learn to keep my mouth shut and be the singer that people know. But you know what? It sucks to have a voice and no one to hear you, while all the while, you're the one they are there to hear.
