Why relationships led me to celibacy

[Xalith]

It's weird I tried so many things to find a great relationship. I've tried waiting and I even tried not waiting. And nothing good came out of either. I'm almost 18 and I'm not like most other teenagers. I don't date for fun. I wanted to date to find my future wife and people didn't understand that. At my age, no one is doing the same so find the right relationships were difficult. I failed countless times in relationships and I failed countless times trying to get into relationships.

I know others have said this, and I'm going to probably say something very similar:

You are in no way old enough for a serious relationship. I'm sorry, but you're not, and even if you are mature beyond your age, the short and simple fact is that the vast majority of girls your age are not.

If you are indeed as mature as you suggest that you are, you're going to have to wait awhile until you find someone who is mature enough to be happy with.

So. I got fed up with all of this and I took the vow of celibacy. When I took this vow it wasn't even for religious reasons it was to protect myself and others. My vow of celibacy restricts from dating/dates, sexual activity, kissing, and lusting. It's been five days since I've taken the vow. I posted the vow on social media so all my friends know. I use the vow kind of like a wall, blocking out all the advances done to me and I may do to girls that I may like.

Instead of taking vows... why not just simply take a break from dating? You list your faith as Catholic, so I assume that you believe in God and Christ? If you do, then you will know that Fornication is a sin, right? You should already be celibate (in the sexual sense) until you are married; otherwise you're living in sin.

The vow itself lasts only until I graduate high school. If I like being celibate then I will extend the years. Essentially yes. I took this vow without God in mind which I rarely do. My hope is that he respects my choice if not well I can't stop God. I'd rather not take go back on my vow still.

Christ has said "let your yea be yea and your nay be nay, anything beyond that is of the evil one". Christ Himself said not to take vows, simply say Yes or No to any given question. He who takes no vows cannot break a vow. We don't gain anything from taking vows, and we've got plenty to lose should we break any vows. The only vows one should take, is the one you take when you get married.

My advice to you is this:

1). Wait until you're older. At least 21, before considering "serious" dating.
2). Instead of looking for a future wife, live your life single until or unless you become mutually attracted to a woman.
3). Instead of jumping in bed with her, get to know her, and let things happen naturally instead of worrying about marriage.
4). If you two fall in love with each other, date for a year or two (no sex!).
5). Should you two still desire one another, after the year or two of dating, then you can talk about marriage.

Far too many people go into dating looking for a wife. IMHO, I've always thought that the best marriages happen when the man and woman meet each other naturally, feel attracted to one another, and then just naturally start spending time with each other as they get to know each other more, which eventually blossoms into love and then marriage. Trying to force things into happening doesn't work; you need to let things happen on God's schedule instead of trying to demand them to happen on your own schedule. This goes for marriage and everything else for that matter. If God wants you to be married, He will place a woman in your life and you will know she is the right one.

And lastly....

I really don't want to offend, but seriously, you are far, far too young. Too many 17-20 year olds jump in bed with a girl they think is the love of their life, only to discover later on that it was merely lust of the flesh and/or eyes and the marriage falls apart because God wasn't anywhere in the picture. If God was a part of it, they wouldn't have been in bed pre-marriage, nor would they have gotten married just to have sex legally.

You don't marry a woman just so you can "legally" have sex with her; that's asking for a tragedy. You marry a woman because you want to be there for her, you want to take care of her, and you want to cherish her for the rest of your life, no matter the circumstances. That kind of love doesn't happen every day, nor should we try to force it.

Our society has drummed it into our heads that every man should grab a woman and every woman should grab a man and being single is somehow "bad". I'm 35 and I used to lament my single status, but after I found Christ back in March, I re-thought this mentality and found that I was being foolish. If God wants me to get married, He will place a woman in my life and I will know she is the one and she will know that I am the one for her.

If not, then perhaps it is because God does not wish for me to have a wife. It would be foolish of me to be defiant towards His will, and besides... what am I really missing out on? Sex? There's more to life than sex. Having kids? I'm not even sure I'd want kids to be honest. If I got married and we had the means to support a child, and she wanted a child, then by all means... but if not, I'm not going to lament it. I'm not going to let man's society tell me what I should be doing; that's God's role.

 

[Awakened Sin]

What is the purpose for which you seek (sought) a 'relationship'?

I don't seek relationships anymore, but when I did. I was seeking for a Christian Woman. Lots of other things also. Something I can see myself marrying. The thing is I know that I am too young to marry obviously, that's why I took the vow so I force myself not to date.

I know others have said this, and I'm going to probably say something very similar:

You are in no way old enough for a serious relationship. I'm sorry, but you're not, and even if you are mature beyond your age, the short and simple fact is that the vast majority of girls your age are not.

If you are indeed as mature as you suggest that you are, you're going to have to wait awhile until you find someone who is mature enough to be happy with.



Instead of taking vows... why not just simply take a break from dating? You list your faith as Catholic, so I assume that you believe in God and Christ? If you do, then you will know that Fornication is a sin, right? You should already be celibate (in the sexual sense) until you are married; otherwise you're living in sin.



Christ has said "let your yea be yea and your nay be nay, anything beyond that is of the evil one". Christ Himself said not to take vows, simply say Yes or No to any given question. He who takes no vows cannot break a vow. We don't gain anything from taking vows, and we've got plenty to lose should we break any vows. The only vows one should take, is the one you take when you get married.

My advice to you is this:

1). Wait until you're older. At least 21, before considering "serious" dating.
2). Instead of looking for a future wife, live your life single until or unless you become mutually attracted to a woman.
3). Instead of jumping in bed with her, get to know her, and let things happen naturally instead of worrying about marriage.
4). If you two fall in love with each other, date for a year or two (no sex!).
5). Should you two still desire one another, after the year or two of dating, then you can talk about marriage.

Far too many people go into dating looking for a wife. IMHO, I've always thought that the best marriages happen when the man and woman meet each other naturally, feel attracted to one another, and then just naturally start spending time with each other as they get to know each other more, which eventually blossoms into love and then marriage. Trying to force things into happening doesn't work; you need to let things happen on God's schedule instead of trying to demand them to happen on your own schedule. This goes for marriage and everything else for that matter. If God wants you to be married, He will place a woman in your life and you will know she is the right one.

And lastly....

I really don't want to offend, but seriously, you are far, far too young. Too many 17-20 year olds jump in bed with a girl they think is the love of their life, only to discover later on that it was merely lust of the flesh and/or eyes and the marriage falls apart because God wasn't anywhere in the picture. If God was a part of it, they wouldn't have been in bed pre-marriage, nor would they have gotten married just to have sex legally.

You don't marry a woman just so you can "legally" have sex with her; that's asking for a tragedy. You marry a woman because you want to be there for her, you want to take care of her, and you want to cherish her for the rest of your life, no matter the circumstances. That kind of love doesn't happen every day, nor should we try to force it.

Our society has drummed it into our heads that every man should grab a woman and every woman should grab a man and being single is somehow "bad". I'm 35 and I used to lament my single status, but after I found Christ back in March, I re-thought this mentality and found that I was being foolish. If God wants me to get married, He will place a woman in my life and I will know she is the one and she will know that I am the one for her.

If not, then perhaps it is because God does not wish for me to have a wife. It would be foolish of me to be defiant towards His will, and besides... what am I really missing out on? Sex? There's more to life than sex. Having kids? I'm not even sure I'd want kids to be honest. If I got married and we had the means to support a child, and she wanted a child, then by all means... but if not, I'm not going to lament it. I'm not going to let man's society tell me what I should be doing; that's God's role.

There is a difference between abstinence and celibacy. Not having sex before marriage. Which means having sex when you're married. Celibacy is also that, but also it means being single. I have no purpose to marry therefore have sex. All celibates are abstinent. Not all abstinents are celibate. And are you implying for me that I want to marry just to have sex? Or are you just venting?

 

[Awakened Sin]

Interesting (and sad) that you are not receiving more support and encouragement for your respectful choice, OP.

Funny you say that. I got more support from this vow from my peers then the people on this forums.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Funny you say that. I got more support from this vow from my peers then the people on this forums.

To be fair you have gotten plenty of good advice, though some in sarcastic remarks it seems. Many come to the forum seeking answers and for some they come only for truth that fits what they want to do, then they dismiss the others as not being helpful. So question is which did you come here for?

No one said theres anything wrong with being celibate. Its something that people do. BUT to be celibate you have to understand what it means. Its very rare to find someone who is truly celibate. The few that are started early on in life and never bothered with dating, never even had an urge to be with anyone. Never really wanted love from another person. Usually thats how you know your called to be celibacy. Like a few have stated you have felt the need for love, dated....etc. What your doing currently by claiming celibacy is what many have done that come here and also claim it. They have been rejected as teens when it comes to finding love so they assume they are to be celibate then.

Truth is in terms of finding someone... well love hurts. Most will nevevr find Mr/Mrs Right instantly. Some will date many people. For others hundreds. For some they may not meet the right person until they are much older like my parents friend who finally found love at 44. Now, if you still want to be celibate then of course I wish the best. I think most feel the same. We respect which ever route you take but simply are offering wisdom from what we have seen or done ourselves. Or at least I am.

 

[lupusFati]

Lol, gimme a break. You're still in HS.

I guess empathy is at a premium among Christians, eh? Nevermind compassion.

 

[lupusFati]

Funny you say that. I got more support from this vow from my peers then the people on this forums.

Yeah that's... kind of how it happens on this forum. People are quicker to judge if they're "Christian" on here. Sorry you have to be directly exposed to that toxicity. And no, it's not just the "Christians" who do it, I know. I'm just bringing attention to a problem I've found with the site in general, as well as who it shouldn't be common with.

 

[Xalith]

There is a difference between abstinence and celibacy. Not having sex before marriage. Which means having sex when you're married. Celibacy is also that, but also it means being single.

I'm aware of the difference; my main point was that you needn't worry about sex (more on this in a sec) nor marriage until you find someone to marry first. And before finding someone to marry, maybe you should just live life (vow or no vows) until/unless the right person comes along instead of worrying about relationships and marriage. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen. Let God decide.

And are you implying for me that I want to marry just to have sex? Or are you just venting?

I don't know you on a personal level, so when I am speaking on forums and such, I tend to cover all possible bases. I accuse nobody of anything; I throw out all variables and you pick&choose which apply to you. If you are not seeking sex out of marriage, then that part doesn't apply to you. Many Pre-18s are seeking sex (the vast majority are like this) due to the rampant hormonal changes in their bodies affecting their minds. This has nothing to do with how mature one is, or isn't, it has more to do with the chemicals flowing through their brains and their bodies.

However, I am not accusing you. I'm merely saying that "if that, then this." and if the IF statement is not true, then just skip it. I've a background in computer programming, so sometimes that type of logic seeps into other stuff I do too; I don't blame people for not recognizing it if they're not familiar with it.

 

[OldWiseGuy]

Funny you say that. I got more support from this vow from my peers then the people on this forums.

I'm curious if you talked with your priest about this and what he might have advised.

 

[Awakened Sin]

I'm curious if you talked with your priest about this and what he might have advised.

Not yet. I'm trying to contact him so I can though.

 

[OldWiseGuy]

Not yet. I'm trying to contact him so I can though.

 

[Butterfly99]

I guess empathy is at a premium among Christians, eh? Nevermind compassion.

Lol, gimme me a break! I'm in HS like him. Do you have any idea how often kids do stuff like this? Make bigggggggg announcements about something. & then like five seconds later change their mind? Did you read what Ella wrote? She's right. He's a senior. He's vowing to remain celibate for like 6 months till he graduates. He needed to go round telling everybody about that. All cause of his "failed" relationships which lasted less than a week. This isn't a kid needing compassion. He needs a reality check. He's wasting time on drama & he's doing himself no favors at all. Ppl might seem supportive to his face but I guarantee behind his back they're saying some stuff cause he's doing all this in public & being ridic. You're not doing him any favors. Btw your own post was pretty rude & judgemental so there's that whole log, speck thing.

 

[lupusFati]

Lol, gimme me a break! I'm in HS like him. Do you have any idea how often kids do stuff like this? Make bigggggggg announcements about something. & then like five seconds later change their mind? Did you read what Ella wrote? She's right. He's a senior. He's vowing to remain celibate for like 6 months till he graduates. He needed to go round telling everybody about that. All cause of his "failed" relationships which lasted less than a week. This isn't a kid needing compassion. He needs a reality check. He's wasting time on drama & he's doing himself no favors at all. Ppl might seem supportive to his face but I guarantee behind his back they're saying some stuff cause he's doing all this in public & being ridic. You're not doing him any favors. Btw your own post was pretty rude & judgemental so there's that whole log, speck thing.

Maybe you're too young to realize what I was implying. If you identify as Christian, you cannot be so hateful no matter how justified you may be. I know he's young and misguided. All kids are, no matter how mature they feel. I was a kid once, too, so I know. And yet, no matter how trivial you think this is, his feelings are just as valid as yours are. This is a small thing that could become a very large thing. I don't want this to turn into a hateful attitude toward women the rest of his life because he feels he is entitled or something, just because he shut himself off from life before it started to actually get decent.

But you have a lot to learn about your own faith, apparently.

 

[Butterfly99]

Maybe you're too young to realize what I was implying. If you identify as Christian, you cannot be so hateful no matter how justified you may be. I know he's young and misguided. All kids are, no matter how mature they feel. I was a kid once, too, so I know.

But you have a lot to learn about your own faith, apparently.

I was NOT being hateful!!!! What the heck? Saying gimme a break = hatefulness to you????? That's nuts. I think questioning my Christianity from an 8 word reply that was pretty tame was way more harsh. You have a lot to learn about hypocrisy apparently.

 

[Awakened Sin]

Lol, gimme me a break! I'm in HS like him. Do you have any idea how often kids do stuff like this? Make bigggggggg announcements about something. & then like five seconds later change their mind? Did you read what Ella wrote? She's right. He's a senior. He's vowing to remain celibate for like 6 months till he graduates. He needed to go round telling everybody about that. All cause of his "failed" relationships which lasted less than a week. This isn't a kid needing compassion. He needs a reality check. He's wasting time on drama & he's doing himself no favors at all. Ppl might seem supportive to his face but I guarantee behind his back they're saying some stuff cause he's doing all this in public & being ridic. You're not doing him any favors. Btw your own post was pretty rude & judgemental so there's that whole log, speck thing.

Im sorry to tell you this, but you don't know this. They only way Ill change my mind on this vow if and only if God tells me too. He hasn't, so the vow is still in place. Like I mentioned this vow wasn't last minute. I thought about the vow for months before I actually made it. And it's been a week since the vow has been in place and I have no regrets making it.

The reason why I made the vow only about 6 months because if I said any longer my parents would not agree with this vow. I'm planning on extending this vow once high school is over. But if everyone is making a big deal about this then should I just make the vow longer to quiet everyone about it?

I'm not sure if you read this piece but I have no self control. If I made this vow only to myself and no one else knows about it. I will most likely break it. I made this same vow about a year ago and it was only to myself. Well I didn't listen and I dated anyway. And...it ended badly. So I learned my lesson and made the vow again in public. Only because if I break my vow everyone will know that I failed. Plus, that's a sign telling girls to stay away.
I don't want that so I made it in public.

You know the saying when you assume right? Yeah, that's what you're doing.

And yes I was offended by your post and it's the reason why I choice to ignore it the first time. Then you replied again and made it worst. But, I forgive you for this. Even if you think you did nothing wrong.

 

[bhsmte]

Im sorry to tell you this, but you don't know this. They only way Ill change my mind on this vow if and only if God tells me too. He hasn't, so the vow is still in place. Like I mentioned this vow wasn't last minute. I thought about the vow for months before I actually made it. And it's been a week since the vow has been in place and I have no regrets making it.

The reason why I made the vow only about 6 months because if I said any longer my parents would not agree with this vow. I'm planning on extending this vow once high school is over. But if everyone is making a big deal about this then should I just make the vow longer to quiet everyone about it?

I'm not sure if you read this piece but I have no self control. If I made this vow only to myself and no one else knows about it. I will most likely break it. I made this same vow about a year ago and it was only to myself. Well I didn't listen and I dated anyway. And...it ended badly. So I learned my lesson and made the vow again in public. Only because if I break my vow everyone will know that I failed. Plus, that's a sign telling girls to stay away.
I don't want that so I made it in public.

You know the saying when you assume right? Yeah, that's what you're doing.

And yes I was offended by your post and it's the reason why I choice to ignore it the first time. Then you replied again and made it worst. But, I forgive you for this. Even if you think you did nothing wrong.

If you are only going to listen to your perception of what God is telling you, what motivated you to start this OP?

 

[Hetta]

I was NOT being hateful!!!! What the heck? Saying gimme a break = hatefulness to you????? That's nuts. I think questioning my Christianity from an 8 word reply that was pretty tame was way more harsh. You have a lot to learn about hypocrisy apparently.

You're fine. I agreed with what you said. At 18, the only thing I had a relationship with was my mirror.

 

[Xalith]

Im sorry to tell you this, but you don't know this. They only way Ill change my mind on this vow if and only if God tells me too. He hasn't, so the vow is still in place. Like I mentioned this vow wasn't last minute. I thought about the vow for months before I actually made it. And it's been a week since the vow has been in place and I have no regrets making it.

The reason why I made the vow only about 6 months because if I said any longer my parents would not agree with this vow. I'm planning on extending this vow once high school is over. But if everyone is making a big deal about this then should I just make the vow longer to quiet everyone about it?

I'm not sure if you read this piece but I have no self control. If I made this vow only to myself and no one else knows about it. I will most likely break it. I made this same vow about a year ago and it was only to myself. Well I didn't listen and I dated anyway. And...it ended badly. So I learned my lesson and made the vow again in public. Only because if I break my vow everyone will know that I failed. Plus, that's a sign telling girls to stay away.
I don't want that so I made it in public.

You know the saying when you assume right? Yeah, that's what you're doing.

And yes I was offended by your post and it's the reason why I choice to ignore it the first time. Then you replied again and made it worst. But, I forgive you for this. Even if you think you did nothing wrong.

IMHO, I think a better vow would be "I won't date or have sex with anybody until I am certain they are the right person", but that's just me I guess.

And again, I'm still iffy on the idea of taking vows as the Bible tells us we shouldn't, but if you think you must to control yourself, well at least you have the desire to control yourself which most don't have and that should be celebrated.

 

[Deidre32]

Funny you say that. I got more support from this vow from my peers then the people on this forums.

That is a flaw of the internet, I'm afraid. You are doing great. I think that you are very young of course to 'give up' on relationships for good lol BUT...if for now, this is where you're called, then may God lead you there. Can't go wrong if you feel God is leading you.

 

[Awakened Sin]

IMHO, I think a better vow would be "I won't date or have sex with anybody until I am certain they are the right person", but that's just me I guess.

And again, I'm still iffy on the idea of taking vows as the Bible tells us we shouldn't, but if you think you must to control yourself, well at least you have the desire to control yourself which most don't have and that should be celebrated.

Knowing myself I feel I would twist the words around. "I wont date or have sec with anybody until I am certain they are the right person.". Sounds good on paper, but I can twiest those around. For example I can pick up a random girl on the streer and say. She is the right person, so I date her. Making the vow pointless. I made the words exact with no work arounds, because I've already tried to with this vow. Haha

 

[Xalith]

Knowing myself I feel I would twist the words around. "I wont date or have sec with anybody until I am certain they are the right person.". Sounds good on paper, but I can twiest those around. For example I can pick up a random girl on the streer and say. She is the right person, so I date her. Making the vow pointless. I made the words exact with no work arounds, because I've already tried to with this vow. Haha

Then, my advice to you would be to look at your self-control. Ask yourself why you are so lacking in self-control, seek a closer relationship with God and His Son, ask them for more emotional and mental strength, ask them for more self-control, read the Scriptures more, etc.

When you become Born Again in Christ, He breaks the chains of sin that you were chained up with, He gives you power over sin. He won't allow you to become tempted more than you are able to resist.

Take this vow if you must... but in the meantime, I suggest trying to find the root problem of why you lack self-control. This is not meant to be derogatory in any shape, form, or manner as everyone is flawed (even myself, especially myself) and we all have things we need fixed. However, we can't fix things on our own, we need His help, and we need to ask Him to help us.

The Vow is like a band-aid; it is only temporarily covering your lack of self-control in respect to women. The wound won't heal until you figure out what's the cause of it. Only when you discover what is wrong, only then can the wound heal and you can take the band-aid off and be whole and at peace once more.