Where is the line between wifely submission in Christ and neglecting His Temple?

[budding theologian]

I communicated this issue in a way that was very biased and critical of my husband and no longer want it able to be viewed.

 

[NewUser777]

It appears you aren't the one who needs advice, your husband does. Like you said, the husband is the head of the house, but he is not doing a good job of providing. HE needs to do something about that.

I would be happy too if I was in a rural area and didn't have a job. Sounds very relaxing to me. But that is not going to pay for life's existence or the bills. Plus, there is a child to take care of.

You say your husband takes care of your son, but is that all? He should be cleaning the house and cooking as well. My mother took care of two kids, plus baby-sat, took care of the house and it was in pristine order all the time. Really, I am at a loss to figure out why you need to do virtually everything. Naturally, that is going to cause stress. There needs to be a division of labor here, seeing you work full-time.

I'm sorry to have to say all this, but your husband needs to take the bull by the horns and do what is best for your whole family, not just himself. Your financial situation should be corrected as soon as possible, whatever the changes that have to be made.

I think it's great that God has helped you handle stress and your marriage is in better shape. However, more work needs to be done, which is pretty much life in a nutshell.

 

[budding theologian]

To clarify, taking care of our son isn't all he does. He cleans the house while I'm at work and prepares food for himself and our son. I have very high standards, being a homemaker and all, so when I come home, I make healthy dinners, bake bread in the breadmaker (saves $), do laundry, etc. Not a typical man's calling to do those things, and I think that's OK. But, yes, my days tend to be a bit unbalanced, hence the stress.

I appreciate your input. Though, I must say, I don't really agree. I had the attitude before of "buck up, honey, it's your time to shine" and it drove a huge stake between us.

My question is: What can I do to encourage him in a way that is firm about my needs but supportive of his position in Christ? Explain it to me like I am a child: How do I help him?

 

[gideon123]

Just looking quickly through your facts ... you are NOT alone. You would be surprised at how many wives - and couples - are facing similar pressures to you.

I do speak to more couples where the hubby is at home, and the wife is working. Many of your stress points are related to this arrangement. But to be honest, if it was the other way around (i.e. you were at home and your hubby was working) ... then your hubby would be stressed about the same things. You are just seeing things from the viewpoint of a working spouse, that's all.

You are making progress on your marriage and your faith. Don't let that go. In the tough times - don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. Speaking figuratively, of course

It might help if your husband could (at least) get a part-time job. Something he could do from home. A little extra income will help a lot.

Many, many American households will be going thru the same financial stress that is affecting you. A great many Christian homes will be caught up in it. It is not going to be an easy road over the next 10 years. Try to focus on your joys and blessings ... and work on small improvements that will help to bring in extra income and cut costs in some areas.

Good luck and blessings to your family!
Gideon123

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I agree with everyone else. Alot of women think they should submit to ever thing a man does. While man is head of the household, theres a verse (can't recall which one) that states basically when your husband isn't doing the things he should, the women should make family decisions.

Alot of men also sometimes take the "docile wife" thing to far and end up absuing them or will tell them what to do, but not do anything for themselves.

We have a friend who is a very legalistic and "old testament" man. He expects his wife to do everything, evne if it means make him food when he demands. He controls everything and you can tell on the rare occasions you do see her that she is very unhappy.

I would pray about things. Also see if he is willing to go to a counseler or get some kind of help that will show him he needs to be/try harder overall.

 

[BFine]

If things are as bad as you say and your husband won't
make appropriate choices/decisions to make things better
for his wife and child... you all are facing being homeless
and over-burdened by debt.

It is up to you to do what is best for you and your child
since your husband refuses.
I am sorry you and your child are in such a position.

 

[ephraimanesti]

My question is: What can I do to encourage him in a way that is firm about my needs but supportive of his position in Christ? Explain it to me like I am a child: How do I help him?

MY DEAR SISTER,

You and your husband are in dire need of some heavy-duty Christian Counseling. Is this offered at the Church you attend? If not, can you get a referral out for Counseling from the powers that be at your Church? This is something you cannot deal with alone and you need more than Internet contact with people able to be of help and support to you. Spiritual warfare is serious business--get help!

ABBA'S SLAVE,
ephraim

 

[LoricaLady]

Where is the line between wifely submission in Christ and neglecting His Temple (my body/mind/soul)?

I’m looking for some feedback and supportive Scripture regarding wifely submission. I'm not intending to start a theological debate on the subject at hand, but examine how it applies to my life as the Lord has convicted me.

There have been two recurring issues in my life which the Lord has done great work in me, especially in the past year. 1. He has calmed my dominating nature in my marriage and has convicted me to let my husband lead, so that I may joyfully follow. 2. He has addressed my self-neglect habits and has convicted me to take care of myself in a way that reflects His presence in me. This includes eating nourishing food, addressing health issues with a professional, paying attention to the needs of my family, the list goes on.

I am experiencing a rather large amount of stress right now and I constantly give it over to the Lord. The stress does not plague me with unstoppable anxiety anymore because of how the Lord has reformed my tendency to overreact to circumstances, and because I have psychiatric support. I suffer from PTSD, but that’s a whole other story. I want to focus on what’s going on right now. I would say that I approach most situations with a fairly rational peace, so I don’t want you to think that I am running around like a maniac pulling my hair out and driving people crazy, because that is usually not the case.

The sources of my stress right now are:
1. I work full-time and my husband stays home with our 18-month-old son. I know that this arrangement works for some people, but it doesn’t seem to be working for us because:
a. I am a homemaker, so when I come home from work I cook and clean, so I don’t have much of a chance to rest. My husband insists that I relax, but I find housework soothing and literally cannot stand a messy house – I find it unsanitary and it provokes my anxiety. There’s a bit of a controlling nature in that dynamic, but I think that it is pretty typical for motivated homemakers.
b. I am in charge of the administrative aspects of maintaining the household: answering phone calls, paying bills, tracking finances, etc. This is a duty that my husband has given me and I feel no qualms about it whatsoever. But it is hard to balance the responsibilities with work.
c. My husband is antsy. He does an excellent job at home with our son, but he feels the drive to get out of the house. He wants to work, but can’t seem to find a job. We live in a very rural, poor area, so it is hard for him to find work, especially since 95% of the men up here do the kind of work he does – manual labor.
2. We live in an isolated, very cold, remote area that is 9-10 hours away from our families.
a. I have sore muscles just about all the time due to structural deformities and I probably have fibromyalgia, too. The extreme cold doesn’t help. Some nights/early mornings, it goes down to 20, 30, 40 below zero.
b. I would really like to be geographically closer to our families, for tangible love and support. Plus, I personally feel selfish for taking their grandson so far away, but my husband disagrees with this since his mental well-being is much improved in a very rural area. I’m not talking about farm country – I mean wilderness expanses that are miles and miles in radius.
c. We need to move somewhere since our lease has expired and is nonrenewable.
i. I want to move to a warmer, friendlier part of the state. My husband will go but isn’t totally thrilled.
ii. I really want to go to live with/near our families for a bit in our home state so that we can recuperate from the below stressor. My husband absolutely refuses to go.
3. We are in a terrible financial situation.
a. We recently purchased a used car and I got a loan from my bank for $10,500 and paid $500 down from a line of credit. Within 10 days of purchase, the car broke down. We ended up paying $4,000 for repairs. Luckily, our families helped us out with that expense. However, ever since we bought the car, we are falling deeper and deeper into debt. We have maxed out 2 credit cards at $1,000 each and I still have student loans totaling about $20,000.
b. I only make $900 every 2 weeks and this is not covering our current expenses. We live in a cheap place right now and I don’t know how we will afford the inevitable increase in rent. Whether we stay in this area or move somewhere warmer in the state, we will be beyond strapped for cash.
c. If we moved back to be near our families, my husband would have a guaranteed job in the family business making at least $150 a day. I mentioned this to him and he was literally offended that I am even considering it. He is much happier in a remote area like this one, and there is nowhere quite like this in our home state. I told him that we can just stay there a while to recuperate and then come back, but he won’t hear it.

By the way, he is saved. Our marriage was very much in shambles before, but the Lord has worked on both of us a whole lot and we are now closer than ever.

My husband knows how I am feeling and recognizes the severity of our situation. I want to submit to him, but the strain is gradually becoming overwhelming. I really need prayer, support, and advice.

If you husband is truly saved he will abide by the words in Scripture that say if a man is not considerate of his wife his prayers will not be answered. I don't see any consideration for your feelings whatsoever to tell you the truth. You work full time and then do all the work at home, with health problems, and all he has to do is watch the child? He won't consider taking a job offered to him in this highly concerning economy but wants you to do it all? Okay, he prefers being in a rural setting. So, the picture I get is that all the concern is on what he wants, never on what would help you have less stress and get some support.

Honestly I am wondering, given this picture, if this man has also been verbally and/or physically abusive. If he is being verbally abusive then studies on domestic abuse would indicate he may well escalate to physical abuse. In that case, since you asked for advice, I would say take the child, leave and go be with your family where you can get support. And btw abusive husbands do try to isolate their wives from family & friends.

Scriptures also tell the couple to "submit to one another."

If you stay with him, and he is being abusive, then your child will grow up likely to be the same way and also is at risk for being twisted by abuse.

Maybe I am over reacting. Maybe I am reading things between the lines that are not there. If so, my apologies.

I will be praying for you to be given wisdom in this situation.

A husband does not have the right to tell a wife to do things that are harmful to her or her child, though. If he told you to jump off a bridge, would you have to do that? What if he wanted you to get into drugs? Be abusive to your child? Obviously "submit" does not mean put up with abuse & to me it seems you are in a highly abusive situation. Mho. We are submit ourselves as unto our Savior. Our Savior would never ask us to take on all the burden, ignore our feelings and wishes, and leave us overwhelmed.

 

[LoricaLady]

P.S. After I wrote the above I saw a post where you said your husband does some housework, but you feel a need to go behind him and do more. Honestly - again, forgive me if I am wrong - but to me it sounds like maybe between the lines what is happening is that he is doing a minimalist job, leaving you feeling that you have to do more to actually make the place clean. It sounds like maybe you are making excuses for him for the sake of "harmony". Maybe not. But it concerns me. You didn't say he has a nice, tasty meal all cooked for you when you get home. Instead you say "He prepares food for himself and our son." Very concerning behavior, mho.

I wonder if there is some place where - if you do need it - you can get counseling regarding spouse abuse. The truth is spouse abusers very rarely change and almost always escalate in their abuse instead. You have people who love you and want to give you and your son support and help.

In Scriptures we are told that those who do not provide for their families are "worse than pagans" or unbelievers.

 

[budding theologian]

Please delete. Thank you.