When guys give up...

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

Hmmmm... I guess all I can offer with limited knowledge of the situation is:

a) We're all responsible for our own behaviour, and
b) We generally get to choose what we'll put up with, and
c) Real love involves not helping someone to behave badly... ie, not putting up with consistent bad behaviour

Absolutely girl.

Both parties need to be themselves, some of us who marry young discover we or they change; or maybe finaly become who we were hiding? Either way, it's about being individuals together as a partership, with all the contradiction that entails.

Rule of thumb, you intuitively know when something is wrong, when it's right it doesnt always show.

 

[RoseofLima]

PPD? I've never tested positive for TB. Neither has my wife as far as I know.

Post-Partum Depression....it has made a huge difference for me seeking treatment, I feel human again rather than spectral...

 

[Mayzoo]

PPD also does stand for Pervasive Personality Disorder---just an FYI, that is actually what first came to my mind when it was typed--since I don't know the situation.

 

[Starting again]

Things have changed around for me. My husband did his upmost to make me happy and I was just not interested, yet he continued. It wasn't about sex, it was about love and through the love he was doing anything for me.

He did however stop all the niceties and he never backed down. I thought if I had to save my marriage then I had to do to my husband what he had done to me. So I do, and I do all that I can for him. He has noticed this and our marriage is better than it has ever been. He now does his best, once again, and I do my best for him.

We do good for one another now. I will never take advantage of him again. It hurts too much.

Wow.... being a single girl... watching my parents, and other married couples and their problems, it's made me so scared of getting married, at the same time I really want to get married have a family - but I keep thinking "..What if I'm one of the couples that don't make it, that are horridly unhappy..."
Believe it or not, what you just said here is the most comforting thing I have ever heard about marriage.
You've given me new hope. thanks.

 

[jacquidube]

Wow.... being a single girl... watching my parents, and other married couples and their problems, it's made me so scared of getting married, at the same time I really want to get married have a family - but I keep thinking "..What if I'm one of the couples that don't make it, that are horridly unhappy..."
Believe it or not, what you just said here is the most comforting thing I have ever heard about marriage.
You've given me new hope. thanks.

Thankyou so much for that starting again. You have actually encouraged me also. We had the worse marriage ever, not so long ago.
Being nice to someone is a bonus, but being nice to someone you love is heavenly. God did all the work. In my human form I could not have done it. Keep your mind and your focus on the one who really loves you and He will make sure you never get hurt.

Wait, and the right time will come for you. Consult the one who knows. Be blessed and know that you are being taken care of. Someone out there is just waiting to come into your life and love you and you also are waiting for that person. God Bless you starting again.

 

[Yasha]

Guys give up on trying to make women happy when they get tired of doing their best to make their wives happy and their wives continually brush them off. Its not just about sex.

Agree/disagree?

Agree. I am the third wife of my only husband, the first Christian wife. I have been married to him 6 x as many years as either of the other two. Yes, he was way young for both marriages, both chronologically and spiritually, and had a lot of complex issues to overcome from his childhood to 'grow up,' before marrying this final time, that contributed to those failed unions.

One thing he ALWAYS says in reference to both is that no matter WHAT he did, they were never happy and it was never good enough. My husband has a Type A servile nature. For him to say this means he WAS trying everything he knew how to do.

As step Mom to both of these women's children, I know them both. I can see what he was saying....and "no" I do not have bad relationships with either one of them.

So, it is possible for a woman to be too high maintenance for the particular man she chooses. I strongly agree with:

Hmmmm... I guess all I can offer with limited knowledge of the situation is:

a) We're all responsible for our own behaviour, and
b) We generally get to choose what we'll put up with, and
c) Real love involves not helping someone to behave badly... ie, not putting up with consistent bad behaviour

I also, don't type this in support or rebuttal, only to say I have seen it to be so in my experience.

In my husband's case, I think he attracted people who wanted to be served because that trait is so innate in him. There are those who will exploit our gifts. I'm sure there were also other dynamics that contributed to the ending of his previous marriages that were his bad. But, he is right about this statement that he makes, in my humble opinion.

Love in the Lord, Sha

 

[Yasha]

Wow.... being a single girl... watching my parents, and other married couples and their problems, it's made me so scared of getting married, at the same time I really want to get married have a family - but I keep thinking "..What if I'm one of the couples that don't make it, that are horridly unhappy..."
Believe it or not, what you just said here is the most comforting thing I have ever heard about marriage.
You've given me new hope. thanks.

If it helps you any to hear it from another....my husband now says that same thing about me, and I him. The first 10 years of our marriage were NOT pretty. We traded the being nice shoes among ourselves, regularly. We balanced each other, though it felt as though we would die, at times we did, at least to our flesh. We still have to crack the zombies on the head now and then. Heeheehee

I think it IS the commitment that refuses and hates divorce, as I do, that carries us to lean on the POWER of the the Third marriage covenant member, Jesus. He does want our success, and our honest spirit to be engaged in our marriage relationship, warts and all.

We ALL marry some mythical being that our romantic heart's imagination creates.

....there DOES come a disillusionment period in marriage that happens after we truly 'meet' our day-to-day spouse. The difference between the divorced and the married is the fortitude, commitment and POWER that we tap into in that covenant commitment... or don't tap into.

Don't fear it...go into the decision like you are giving the rest of your life away....and believe that with ALL of you. Then hold on, the ride is beyond belief....no show like it and no one who will ever understand it besides you and your mate, there lies the sanctity.

Love in the Lord, Sha

 

[Zeena]

Marriage is God's instrument for breaking down the flesh patterns we've developed over the years.. In many instances this can take the form of iron on iron, at other times water on fire..

What we need is to see Jesus in all of lifes circumstances and Praise Him for His Faithfulness! For He is Faithful, and is working ever so diligently to build us up by tearing off chunks of flesh

What we need even more is the revelation of Him as our Life!

 

[hope4today]

The difference between the divorced and the married is the fortitude, commitment and POWER that we tap into in that covenant commitment... or don't tap into.



Love in the Lord, Sha

I'm sure you didn't meant it that way but there are some of us who are divorced not because we did not have fortitude and commitment to the covenant but because our spouse chose to break covenant.

Having said that, I agree, pray about your partner and then love to the fullest. Be wise but don't be afraid. Marriage is a precious gift and the growing that is done together and individually in marriage is a wonderful opportunity, not only to experience love, but for us to grow in the image of Christ.

So, for that matter is divorce. As much I hated and still do hate divorce, it is not the end but is just as able to help us grow in the image of Jesus when we submit to him.

 

[Zeena]

I'm sure you didn't meant it that way but there are some of us who are divorced not because we did not have fortitude and commitment to the covenant but because our spouse chose to break covenant.

Having said that, I agree, pray about your partner and then love to the fullest. Be wise but don't be afraid. Marriage is a precious gift and the growing that is done together and individually in marriage is a wonderful opportunity, not only to experience love, but for us to grow in the image of Christ.

So, for that matter is divorce. As much I hated and still do hate divorce, it is not the end but is just as able to help us grow in the image of Jesus when we submit to him.

If he won't ask for that prayer, I will!
Often times while walking after my flesh I exasperate my husband
He needs EXTRA prayers 'cuz my flesh is soo nasty!!!

And often-times while walking after the Holy Spirit he'll be walking after the flesh, so we end up grinding on one another often.. Which is good for the tearing down of walls if we can see it that way!

Please pray for God's Light!
So that we may see that it is Jesus who is working and not become discouraged

 

[BigNorsk]

I'm sure you didn't meant it that way but there are some of us who are divorced not because we did not have fortitude and commitment to the covenant but because our spouse chose to break covenant.

Having said that, I agree, pray about your partner and then love to the fullest. Be wise but don't be afraid. Marriage is a precious gift and the growing that is done together and individually in marriage is a wonderful opportunity, not only to experience love, but for us to grow in the image of Christ.

So, for that matter is divorce. As much I hated and still do hate divorce, it is not the end but is just as able to help us grow in the image of Jesus when we submit to him.

Well his statement is correct, but you are thinking of two individuals and he is talking about one couple. If your partner broke covenant, then he didn't tap into God's power did he? You were one of the unfortunate ones who was damaged as a result of his rejection of God desires for marriage.

Marv

 

[Yasha]

I'm sure you didn't meant it that way but there are some of us who are divorced not because we did not have fortitude and commitment to the covenant but because our spouse chose to break covenant.

Of course if a spouse breaks it, there is little we can do.

For the sake of honesty, though....my spouse used to threaten that WEEKLY for years on end....it was a habit he had not only grown used to, but been born of. His parents divorced when he was 2 and he had never known anything different as an answer to difficulties.

I refused and left him to do all the work alone and bear all the responsibility for that choice and he never went through with it. Sometimes, I had wished he would, too. He used to wear me very thin! The Lord became my VERY BEST FRIEND in those years. A relationship forged in obedience and pain...that is very STRONG, now!

All that said, I still feel that the difference between the divorced and the married is remembrance and dependence on that 3rd covenant partner, Jesus. I make one exception to that....no one should tolerate violence from a spouse, no one. Had that habit ever risen in my marriage, I would have divorced him on a dime. It reared it's head one time....I reported him and he knew from that day on he would be in jail faster than light...and he never did it again... that was many years ago. Authority is there for our protection...all men answer to it in the proper order, we need only tap the authorities that are there to remain governed by them.

That includes tapping into Jesus as our marriage covenant partner and authority.

I also, do not judge those who have been through divorces. Obviously, I married a man divorced two times before marrying me.(...if you read my first post). I have lived with the pain of divorce from my position all these years and seen it's ravages on the spirits of these around me and it is a great sadness that I'm sure our Loving Father in Heaven hoped to spare us all when He said He hates it in Malachai 2:11-16. God doesn't tell us this stuff because He's the Big-Bad-Meanie-In-The-Sky, He tells us because He dearly hopes us to take this bonding with great reverance and awe...with our eyes open and our spirits set on the severity of the price and the cost of love's union. We literally become ONE FLESH with this other human. We have the power to do each other great good and great harm.

Sorry about the soapbox! I get so fired up because of what I witness in this family's sadness. It only strikes me with such fervor because I am a product of generations of unbroken Christian marriages. I never saw divorce until I met my husband's cousin, who introduced us, in my 20's (except on TV). My jaw used to drop over and over and over every day in the beginning.

Love you in the Lord. This country has become afflicted with the ravages of all this brokeness in my lifetime. I do not judge anyone who has fallen to that sadness. There, but FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, go I! Sha

 

[MarriedInOregon]

Guys give up on trying to make women happy when they get tired of doing their best to make their wives happy and their wives continually brush them off. Its not just about sex.

Agree/disagree?

Agree, with caveats. When I give up its either..

1. I've been give a decision that the only choice is 2 wrongs, either choice and I'm so far in the dog house that I can see China.

2. I am treated like just a hired hand....or just the kids father. Not a husband.

Though I've written some love letters, helped with kids/chores, I believe the highest grade I'll get is "not- yet passing". I also agree that Christ is our example of unselfish giving. But also its prudent to confront one another in love when un-Christian behavior (husband or wife) is noticed.

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

Confront one another in love?

Why are marriages portrayed as chores? Mine sucked, fo shizzle, but now I'm realising the beauty of delighting in another person... love hard, fight hard, or not

 

[Yasha]

the 'beauty of delighting in another person' gets threatened and buried under the frustrations and headbanger's ball of people who have crap for anger skills.

Anger is a very real obstacle to many adults that can and often does eclipse love and delighting.

If we spent as much energy learning about handling our OWN anger, as we do learning about courting and mating, we'd be ahead of our game in the marriage success department.

Even God says it's hard, (1Cors 7:1,28)and that we would do better not to marry. I don't think that comment was included unintentionally.... it's hard and not for everyone. Everyone WANTS it to be for them because they want 'sanctified mating rights'....I know I did.

Sha

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

Sanctified mating rights?

How about live a life of love?

Anger can be dealt with, it's never the underlying issue. That was a red-herring right? Love hard, fight hard. But always love hard.

 

[Zeena]

Confront one another in love?

Why are marriages portrayed as chores? Mine sucked, fo shizzle, but now I'm realising the beauty of delighting in another person... love hard, fight hard, or not

Sanctified mating rights?

How about live a life of love?

Anger can be dealt with, it's never the underlying issue. That was a red-herring right? Love hard, fight hard. But always love hard.

Agreed, and agreed! Praise God!

Thing is, love is a two way street-heh
Good thing Jesus is in love with us huh!

This way, we can BE in love with Him, and His love will shine through us, even when others say or portray how unlovely we are!

 

[Yasha]

Sanctified mating rights?

How about live a life of love?

Anger can be dealt with, it's never the underlying issue. That was a red-herring right? Love hard, fight hard. But always love hard.

I say 'sanctified mating rights' very tongue-in-cheek. Tone is always missing in written words. What I mean is the Christian emphasis on sex being sanctified in the marriage bed.( a concept I agree with)

when I said:

it's hard and not for everyone. Everyone WANTS it to be for them, because they want 'sanctified mating rights'....I know I did.

I was saying: a lot of people marry to get "legal sex," while God says not everyone is cut out for marriage. It was definitely one of my goals in deciding to marry.

I can 'love hard,' apart from sex, OUTSIDE of marriage, and do. It's in shopping around for a 'legal' sexual LOVEr that squares us up face to face with the weaknesses we have to live beside that test and tax us...to death. Amen! I have never grown or surrendered more for ANYONE than for my husband...that's a covenant. To the death....of me.

I agree that anger is never the underlying issue....anger itself comes from insecurity, perceived threat, frustration and pain....RARELY is it 'righteous idignation'...which we ALL love to claim it is for us. What I see over and over and over is that: Anger is the OVERLYING issue. Smothering, burying and eclipsing love's fruit. Not because it is more powerful, but because so many people have poor anger and coping skills, learned in a generation of broken homes and inconsistency in 'sticking things out,' reaching resolutions, forgiving and reconciling. Where are these things to be learned when all the role models divorce and head for the hills. We are instinctually aware of the 'run' response already, we don't need that role-modeled.

If you are among the ones who see anger as a sidenote, count yourself blessed. Divorces are created IN ANGER that gets fueled by the kinds of scenarios that autumnleaf posed.

Guys give up on trying to make women happy when they get tired of doing their best to make their wives happy and their wives continually brush them off. Its not just about sex.

This topic is asking about dealing with frustration, rejection and offense that are fueled by anger over feeling at a loss, inadequate, and disconnected, loss of intimacy apart from sex.

YEP, I think anger is an overlying issue and loving hard, I agree, is the only defense against it. Loving AFTER anger, rejection, defeat, disconnection and misunderstanding by choice is HARD.

Truth isn't always pretty to discuss....I think what I wrote here is too sad and true. I've only been married 18 1/2 years, so far. Maybe someone longer-in-the-tooth can sharpen another view on this.



In Him, Sha

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

I still disagree with sanctified anything.

Grace means we are all sanctified, approved of by God. Sex doesnt make us any more or less dirty.

 

[Canuk]

Though I've written some love letters, helped with kids/chores, I believe the highest grade I'll get is "not- yet passing".

Easier said than done, but if your wife is constantly giving you a failing grade, stop making her the grader. Your worth, my worth, anyone's worth, is not determined by a spouse, a father, a mother, or a boss...our worth is in God - and we are obviously worth something as he gave his Son as a sacrifice for us while we were still sinners.