What do I do with the pain...

[dily4ever]

I am trying to pack my husband's things now; my aim is to set aside a shelf in our study room to showcase his favourite things and items that belong to our shared memories. But this process hurts so much... when I saw all his items and realise again that he is never going to use or touch them again, my heart is so pained. I can't stop crying now and I really don't know how to continue without him.

Where is God? Why is my heart so painful? There's just this big hole in my heart, in my life... How to continue like that, without him... How?

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

dily4ever- I went through the same thing. When I first began sorting through Ginger's things, it took me several times before I could make it past 5 minutes or so. I was always left sitting in the floor sobbing. It's ok, you're correct when you say there is a huge hole in your heart, in your life right now. It will take time to heal. Don't try to rush things to much. After about 2 or 3 times, I just put Ginger's stuff back and waited for almost 2 months before trying again. You can continue, you will make me, your ship will be right side up again and there will be warm sunshine once again on your face, but it will take some time. Your husband wants you to continue and be prosperous for the Kingdom. Even though we can't see them, feel them, hear them, they are and will always be ingrained in our hearts and minds. I know my Ginger would want me to stand tall and continue. I have 4 children to raise and that gives me the drive and determination to make it through this storm. I don't know if you have children or not, but nonetheless you have to continue for your husband. Just think of the conversations you and he will have once we are all home. You can do this! Give it all to God, rely totally on Him, The Great Comforter is with you always. He never promised it to be easy, but He did promise to never leave you! I know you can make it through, just keeping holding on!
Our Father in Heaven, today I left up this one to you in prayer. Her journey is so very new Lord, and she's frightened. Please Lord give her comfort beyond her measure, give her understanding, give her peace in her heart to live each day for You. Help her to understand that You are and will always be there beside her. Give her strength, give her determination, and keep her close to you. Build a hedge of protection around her while she heals Lord, and help her to understand and feel Your unbelievable love and guidance. Give her hope Lord, hope for tomorrow, bring warm rays of sunshine on her face and on her heart. Help her Lord to Press On! I pray all these things in the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ! Amen.

 

[dily4ever]

comesoonmyLORD,

Thanks for the encouragement and prayer. And thanks for sharing your experience about packing Ginger's stuff. I have stopped the packing for a while... will resume again hopefully soon. Right now, my whole house is a big mess like my life. But, I do feel better after crying, posting on this forum, reading your reply and talking to my husband's best friend just now.

By the way, I do not have any children but like you said, I know that my husband would want me to live on happily. He was a kind man with a big heart. And in my eulogy, I did say that I would live life to the fullest and I feel that I must now also live life on his behalf... So although I need to ventilate my lousy feelings from time to time, I know that I have to continue this journey and that God is with me, though I cannot feel his presence. And a big Thank you for your support.

 

[JeanR]

dily,
take your time! It has been 11 weeks for me and I have only cleaned out his office at work and our bedroom floor (my husband was a slob--that's not an insult, he was quite proud of it!). I have not touched his dresser, the stuff on top of his dresser, or his closet. I did briefly go through books on his bookcase, but stopped.

What I am trying to say, is wait on the Lord's timing.

Dily, have you talked with your doctor? When Terry died, my doctor prescribed adavan for me. It helped smooth out the roller coaster, but didn't leave me feeling weird. It was temporary, but it did help. In fact, with the holidays I did begin taking it again at night because I am having trouble sleeping.

Dily, are you originally from Singapore? Do you have any family around you? Turn to them. I only have a brother (our parents both died) and he has been so good to me. My husband comes from a family of 8 children and they have embraced me, too. I don't know how I would have gotten this far without them and my church family.

And, don't forget us, Dily. We are family here, too.

Jean

 

[Missinyou]

dily,
Even though it has been over six months, I am still having problems going through her stuff. I was a coward. The day after her memorial, I had her brother's wife, and thier cousin and her husband go through her clothes. They were the only ones in the family who could wear her size, (she had lost a lot of weight over the last few years) and I didn't want them to go to just any one. Anyway, while my brother in law took me golfing, they cleaned out her stuff. It took me at least a week before I could open the closett door though, but now I'm okay with it. The kids came in August and went through some more stuff and I was worried about our daughter...but it was dear old dad who was the basket case. Patsy was a crafter so I have "several" of those stacking Rubbermaid shelves to go through so I can send the bulk of it with our daughter next time she comes up... Everytime I go in the spare bedroom and look at those shelves...I break down and beat a hasty retreat to safer places. Yep...you guessed it... No sorting done yet.. Perhaps some day...but not today.
My biggest problem right now is a relapse on the old "forever" feeling. Thought I had it all under control a few months ago...but now I'm back to having to convince myself she's really not comeing back, no matter if I live to be a hundred. For me that's the hard part. Dily, I know we can make it through this. We will grow stronger each day with Gods help. All we have to do is ask him for it. Remember, you're the one who told me to hang in there...

God bless you and give you the strength to carry on,
Missinyou

 

[faithgoeson]

Just remember, there's no law that says you have to get rid of anything=or keep anything-or do anything w/ any of the things left behind. It will get done when the time is right. I waited until it was easier on me to do, and it was not so bad. It took me a few months, but we got through. I kept some things for the kids, but the rest went to those in the family or to the needy. If it's too much to bear, don't do it. Let someone else help, or just wait. The stuff will still be there tomorrow.

 

[dily4ever]

Thank you all for your advice.

The reason why I was anxious to go through his things is because I want to set aside our study as the room to display our memories... I wanted to have a place where I can go to remember him and our happy times together. I guess I have to be more patient and take things a bit slowly.

And yes, I am originally from Singapore =) I have 1 sister(going to East Timor for mission work mid next year) and 1 brother (now studying in Australia). My family has been supportive but I have not allow them to spend time with me because somehow being with them makes me more stressed. I know they are very affected by my husband's death too, especially my mother. As for my in-laws, my husband had 5 siblings but I am only closer to one of his sisters. We too keep in contact occasionally and she's taking the death quite badly too.

I am getting most of my support from a few of my friends, my husband's best friend and this widow support group in Singapore. And of course all of you here at the forum. I am really glad to have an outlet to share my feelings with people who understand and care. Thanks so much! I am feeling much better today and will continue to hang in here! =)

 

[Ruth~]

You are grieving. It is normal to feel pain and cry. This will lessen with time. I have lost several people and that has been my experience. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

 

[dily4ever]

I am trying to pack my husband's things now; my aim is to set aside a shelf in our study room to showcase his favourite things and items that belong to our shared memories. But this process hurts so much... when I saw all his items and realise again that he is never going to use or touch them again, my heart is so pained. I can't stop crying now and I really don't know how to continue without him.

Where is God? Why is my heart so painful? There's just this big hole in my heart, in my life... How to continue like that, without him... How?

Dear All,

Just an update : I managed to tidy our house over the weekend! I have also done up the shelf in our study with momentos of my husband - the gifts we gave each other, our photos, his baptism certificate, our travel souvenirs etc... I also kept his medicines, the last pair of shoes he wore to the hospital... all these precious memories will keep me company in the days of loneliness ahead

 

[Missinyou]

I took another stab at sorting her craft drawers and actually made it through one that held all the cards people had sent since she moved to Seattle in April of 2004 in preparation for the lung transplant. I threw most of them away except for the ones our daughter sent to her and a couple of them that were special. I even ran across one I had sent for our 29th anniversary. Yes, there were a lot of tears, but I kept the box of kleenex handy. I almost broke down and put it away a couple of times but I managed to tough it out. I think that will be the worst drawer....at least I hope it is. Most of the cards held no special meaning but they were still from a time in our lives when there was still hope of more years together...

Tonight I start on graveyard shift so have to get my little before work nap. This will only last for six months. I pray for a speedy six months.

God bless you all,
Missinyou

 

[""]

Praying for you dear sister. The Lord hears your cries and He is with you, when you haven't the strength to go on. He will carry you through every heartache, and every tear.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Praise you Lord Jesus

 

[Tatyanna]

I am trying to pack my husband's things now; my aim is to set aside a shelf in our study room to showcase his favourite things and items that belong to our shared memories. But this process hurts so much... when I saw all his items and realise again that he is never going to use or touch them again, my heart is so pained. I can't stop crying now and I really don't know how to continue without him.

Where is God? Why is my heart so painful? There's just this big hole in my heart, in my life... How to continue like that, without him... How?

The hole ...that empty space will always remain...
Here I am approaching the 16th anniversary of my dear husband's death ...I have been re-married for 14 years and I'm still clinging to the things that were his..
Yesterday, I had to go home again...back to our home together where my youngest son still lives...He has changed nothing...it's like going back in time and finally feeling that maybe it was all a bad dream...
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that you will never forget and you shouldn't... God gave me another and I love him very much...just in a different way...
I find my dear one every time I look into the face of my youngest son...for he is almost his exact image...

I brought back w/ me some old photos of all of us together from years ago...Bittersweet...but nice...

 

[Bevlina]

I don't quite understand Tatyanna. Once you remarry, shouldn't you cut all ties for the sake of your husband?
There would always be a place in your heart for your LH, but, once remarried, your new God Given husband would understand the love you had for you LH, but, wouldn't this be a bit difficult for him?

 

[Tatyanna]

I don't quite understand Tatyanna. Once you remarry, shouldn't you cut all ties for the sake of your husband?
There would always be a place in your heart for your LH, but, once remarried, your new God Given husband would understand the love you had for you LH, but, wouldn't this be a bit difficult for him?

Not necessarily...In our case we were both widowed..(we met at a support group)...He helped me through the darkest hours ...as he had already been widowed for almost 2 years...
We talk about our dearly departed spouses often.... We have their pictures in our living room... I'm not jealous of her and he's not jealous of mine...
We fell in love! what else do you want me to say???...it doesn't mean that we'll ever forget them...He gets blue around the time of her death too...we understand that... We live in his home and sleep in their bed...maybe I'm dense...but I don't see what that has to do w/ anything...God gave us to each other for better or for worse..etc....we will live out those vows...
We will all see each other again in Paradise where there will be no marriage...

 

[Bevlina]

Ahhhh, now I see. I didn't know he was also widowed. I thought he may have been single when you married.
Well, that makes for a perfect marriage Tatyanna. What wonderful rapport you both share. God Bless both of you!

 

[Tatyanna]

Ahhhh, now I see. I didn't know he was also widowed. I thought he may have been single when you married.
Well, that makes for a perfect marriage Tatyanna. What wonderful rapport you both share. God Bless both of you!

Thank you....

 

[JeanR]

Terry was the love of my life; my soul mate for 29 years. As the husband of my youth, I will love him forever.

If I were to remarry, it would only be to a man who understood that our love would be ours and would be different from my love for Terry. If the man could not understand this, then he would not be the man for me. And, it would be the same for me if he were a widower. Relationships are different and unique from each other. I could never turn off or turn away from my love for Terry.

 

[c1ners]

Terry was the love of my life; my soul mate for 29 years. As the husband of my youth, I will love him forever.

If I were to remarry, it would only be to a man who understood that our love would be ours and would be different from my love for Terry. If the man could not understand this, then he would not be the man for me. And, it would be the same for me if he were a widower. Relationships are different and unique from each other. I could never turn off or turn away from my love for Terry.

This is exactly the way I feel. I loved my Danny with all my heart. He was my bestfriend, my lover, my husband, and my hero. There is no way any other man can take his place. But that doesn't mean I am unable to love again. My now husband knows that Danny is my hero. He knows that I love Danny in a totally different way then I love him. And that, to me, is the way it should be.

 

[Missinyou]

The hole ...that empty space will always remain...
Here I am approaching the 16th anniversary of my dear husband's death ...I have been re-married for 14 years and I'm still clinging to the things that were his..
Yesterday, I had to go home again...back to our home together where my youngest son still lives...He has changed nothing...it's like going back in time and finally feeling that maybe it was all a bad dream...
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that you will never forget and you shouldn't... God gave me another and I love him very much...just in a different way...
I find my dear one every time I look into the face of my youngest son...for he is almost his exact image...

I brought back w/ me some old photos of all of us together from years ago...Bittersweet...but nice...

I am not even concidering another mate at this time but in reading the posts of those who have remarried, it made me wonder, did you have a hard time saying "I love you" the first time, to your new mate? I picture a feeling of guilt stopping me in mid sentence. Do any of you have any advice if I should ever meet someone whom I feel comfortable with? And how do I get rid of that picture in my mind of walking out of that room, knowing that it may be the last time I ever hear her tell me that she love me. I'm sure that will pop up as soon as I hear a woman tell me that again. Any advice there?

 

[Missinyou]

Praying for you dear sister. The Lord hears your cries and He is with you, when you haven't the strength to go on. He will carry you through every heartache, and every tear.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Praise you Lord Jesus

Adiya, you must be another one of us who hangs out on their computer in the middle of the night. I work graveyard shift so I have an excuse. Just because I have a night off, my body doesn't believe it... I'm used to being awake at this time of night....so here I am.