what are you feeling right now? (24)

[Jeshu]

I nearly lose my faith. I am full of complaining thoughts. As if God was sitting on a high throne and forgot me. I am so selfish and self-central, going to the opposite of love. I just care why I have to suffer Bipolar Disorder for more than 20 years, God does not heal me，and recently it is more serious . I have suicidal thoughts, but I can’t do for I can’t die before my parents’ death. I feel my brain nerve is always in chaos, and medicines can not deal with it well. “Love the Lord more than your life and your neighbor as yourself” is a commandment, but I can not do, I just live in a pit of darkness alone, so isolated, separated from every good thing, losing faith of love. May God show mercy to me for the sake of Jesus’ blood for us. How can I deny myself and burden my cross to follow Him?

I stretch out a little love to you all, sorry listening to my complaining.

Sorry to hear that things are getting so dark in your life. However please don't despair your darkness it can be a purifying experience instead of a debilitating one, if you learn to trade your darkness and godforsakenness with His good life. It can be done!

Sometimes God let us sink really low - for we have not yet found faith yet in those deep parts of ourself, and we let go of God, but He doesn't let go of us. Rather He is after us to find Him in those desolate places and to make them bloom.

Just make sure you sow the good seed in those barren places brother and pray God for rain and sunshine so your crops may grow.

Surrender bad thoughts back to God obediently understanding that death will not solve your sufferings but Jesus will. He has a good purpose for this all. He hasn't healed me either and it had to get really bad before it got better.

Also keep searching for better meds perhaps that might help as well to lift you above worst.

Praying you will not entertain suicidal thinking but thinking that is focussed on Jesus and what He has on offer for you down there.

Much love fighting the darkness brother.



Darkness Reigning

When The hour of darkness reigns.
“Where is your God”, they sneer.
Casting their nets of doubt and fear.
Isolation is their jail of presence within.
Happily trading your weakness and your sin.
Oh how they enjoy your every fall or slip.
As your fallen reality is their strongest grip.
Building in your heart their own life form.
So depravity of being is your daily norm.
Now see them fight to retain their place.
Trying to keep away God’s loving grace.
By showing you their godless hold inside.
You in their slimly pits to smite.
Influenced by their dark and godless thrash.
Your light of day took quite a crash.
But remember wicked rule is a very short reign.
For you Christ’s light will surely shine again.

 

[Jeshu]

Feeling a bit lost today. i'm not really down deep, but still flattish and unmotivated.

The second part of my hydro system has developed a leak underneath the main tray, not sure how come yet, it is hard getting underneath. It is going to be a lot of work emptying the tray and removing it to fix the leak and hardly any space to swing a shovel in and i'm going to need someone to give me a hand.

Not pleased about this, but i'm going to have to fix the leak before i can commission that side into action. The active side has been running non-stop for more than a week now and the veggies have all grown a lot already. So good to see!

Yet i want both sides up and running so i can do one vegetation/green leaves side, and one blooming/fruiting side.

How is everyone else doing?

 

[Press On]

I’m doing ok. Still sleeping well most nights.

Have to watch the thought life diligently and if I slack in my prayer time it is quite noticable. Still listening to CCV during workouts. Also Hebrew scholar Dr. Heiser on podcast. Also sneak a few Beatles and other 60s British Invasion groups in the mix occasionally.....lol! And of course the old standbys Sons of Korah and Apologetix.

Hope you can get the other half of your system running soon. Sounds like you have a bit of work ahead of you. Prayers, brother.

 

[Jeshu]

Been feeling okay. Fix the leak in my system and am test running it now. Got all the plants waiting to be put in. The other side is full and all the plants are growing like cabbage. So good to see. Soon we will have our first take of the lettuce, such soft delicate leaves being in a green house and in such nutrient rich environment. It has been fun and rewarding so far, with a few massive head aches in between, but i got all the bugs ironed out now - hoping the system will prove to be good enough for the job till the end.

 

[Press On]

Nearly 3:30 and wide awake. Fell asleep quickly but not nearly enough time.

When I was driving the big trucks I was up all hours of the day and night. Now that I’m retired I’d really prefer to be sleeping ....

Concerned for my niece who is really having a tough time dealing with the passing of her mom...my oldest sister. Been able to minister to her via text but wish I could do more. Praying a lot for her.

Hope you are all hanging in there and staying close to our Lord in spite of circumstances. Prayers.

 

[chaoticfirefly]

It's been a difficult week and move.

I think I spent most of this week crying from frustration. The way the people in charge run this place is awful. Advisors don't want to work with us Journalist students and I was getting sent back and forth between the Journalism department and Advisors until I broke down in the Journalism department because she was gonna send me running back. I dropped my Russian language class because I just knew from her introduction that I will not like her teaching style or how we'll learn the language. I'm now taking Sociology to knock out a GenEd requirement. A Journalism professor helped me with that.

Dormmates are nice, classmates are nice, I like my classes so far (learned a lot so far). Too anxious to attend any sort of group, and am just spending time in my dorm room doing homework or surfing the net. I'm lonely still, and desire human interaction but approaching people is hard.

Plus side is, I'm sleeping way better at night. Just need a job.

 

[Jeshu]

It's been a difficult week and move.

I think I spent most of this week crying from frustration. The way the people in charge run this place is awful. Advisors don't want to work with us Journalist students and I was getting sent back and forth between the Journalism department and Advisors until I broke down in the Journalism department because she was gonna send me running back. I dropped my Russian language class because I just knew from her introduction that I will not like her teaching style or how we'll learn the language. I'm now taking Sociology to knock out a GenEd requirement. A Journalism professor helped me with that.

Dormmates are nice, classmates are nice, I like my classes so far (learned a lot so far). Too anxious to attend any sort of group, and am just spending time in my dorm room doing homework or surfing the net. I'm lonely still, and desire human interaction but approaching people is hard.

Plus side is, I'm sleeping way better at night. Just need a job.

Great to hear you are sleeping better, that is a real plus point. i hope you will settle in soon and find some friends to hang out with.

i studied sociology fascinating i found it to be.

Hope your studies will go well.

 

[Press On]

It's been a difficult week and move.

I think I spent most of this week crying from frustration. The way the people in charge run this place is awful. Advisors don't want to work with us Journalist students and I was getting sent back and forth between the Journalism department and Advisors until I broke down in the Journalism department because she was gonna send me running back. I dropped my Russian language class because I just knew from her introduction that I will not like her teaching style or how we'll learn the language. I'm now taking Sociology to knock out a GenEd requirement. A Journalism professor helped me with that.

Dormmates are nice, classmates are nice, I like my classes so far (learned a lot so far). Too anxious to attend any sort of group, and am just spending time in my dorm room doing homework or surfing the net. I'm lonely still, and desire human interaction but approaching people is hard.

Plus side is, I'm sleeping way better at night. Just need a job.

Peace be to you. Give it some time. This is an extremely stressful time, albeit some of it is ‘“good” stress (meeting nice new people-potential future friends, and the enjoyment of your classes).

I think you are off on an exciting new adventure, a new chapter in your life with nothing written on the pages yet. I’ve been anticipating this for you; you have so much potential!

This was way back in ‘70, but I went to community college after getting a medical discharge from the Coast Guard, still reeling from the death of my parents, not wanting to return to a horrible home life living with a mentally ill older sister.
Dinked around with general classes (wanted to be a writer), pined over the loss of a girlfriend who wasn’t worth the anguish, lived in a 1941 Airstream travel trailer in a trailer park with no running water or bathroom (fortunately, I lived right next to shower/bathroom facilities ) and cried a lot. My grades sucked for the most part, and I am not a stupid person. I just didn’t care. I was smart enough to stay out of trouble and keep away from booze and drugs, though.

Took a year break and worked, then hit the ground running, going back to college, made 2 close friends and several acquaintances, got involved in band and jazz band playing percussion, and completed a difficult 2 year technical course in 1 year, the first student to ever do that (I had all my preliminaries out of the way from my first college try). First in my family to get a college degree.

Point of all this is, a rough start doesn’t mean a thing. I feel very confident and have faith in you. You struggle with really bad down times like most of us here, but don’t let it deter you. Allow the tears/anger/frustration to pass and don’t give them any power over you. Hoping as well you can find a job that suits you and doesn’t stress you out too much.

Keep us posted on your progress!

 

[Jeshu]

Feeling rather downish this morning. i crashed yesterday and it is still going down by the looks of it. It is father's day today and everyone is coming up after Church i hope i pick up a little before that happens. As it is i want to crawl in my shell and be left alone for a bit.

Hoping you guys do better.

 

[Yusuphhai]

Today I will go to church. And on weekdays I can go to an rehabilitation room for mental and intelligent handicapped, I am an English teacher there.

Wish you all are doing well.

 

[gerbilwoman]

I've been feeling so-so. My CT scan was normal but I'm still having symptoms of being sick. Going to the doctor on the 5th.

 

[Press On]

I've been feeling so-so. My CT scan was normal but I'm still having symptoms of being sick. Going to the doctor on the 5th.

Prayers things will be better for you soon.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Physically and mentally, I am feeling..... meh.

 

[gerbilwoman]

Prayers things will be better for you soon.

Thank you!

 

[Drifter Kybe Scythe Kane]

I feel like I'm alone except for the one crush I had in middle school. We parted ways then but I wasn't alone wholly when I parted ways at the time until now because now I feel I am wholly alone except her now. That is paranoia to you but truth to me. Still though I haven't passed away yet and even though I passed a checkpoint where my grand, alive, true self life has ended and that is going to become even worse. I guess that's 2018 for me. Pray 2019 doesn't make me feel so numb please!. I just joined a church to make me feel more alive. I'm agnostic and I don't think I'm going to change but who knows.

 

[Jeshu]

I've been feeling so-so. My CT scan was normal but I'm still having symptoms of being sick. Going to the doctor on the 5th.

i hope your doctor finds out what's the matter so you can get some treatment for what has been ailing you for some time now.

All the best and i hope your symptoms will soon disappear

 

[Jeshu]

Still though I haven't passed away yet and even though I passed a checkpoint where my grand, alive, true self life has ended and that is going to become even worse. I guess that's 2018 for me. Pray 2019 doesn't make me feel so numb please!. I just joined a church to make me feel more alive.

Sad to hear you lost contact with your true self, it sounds very much like you suffer from depression that can really make us feel like we are just a shell of our former self.

If you truly want to feel alive again then find the very Jesus the Church is going on about, because i know from experience being part of a Church did not gain me my lost life back, but finding Jesus alive and well in my heart through The Word of God now that is the event you are surely after. For i got my lost life back and so very much more. Truly life changing meeting Jesus, even when you are in your pit, honestly true. i never want to be without Him again. Even depression His love can make bearable, be of good courage.

i hope you find Him.

 

[Drifter Kybe Scythe Kane]

Sad to hear you lost contact with your true self, it sounds very much like you suffer from depression that can really make us feel like we are just a shell of our former self.

If you truly want to feel alive again then find the very Jesus the Church is going on about, because i know from experience being part of a Church did not gain me my lost life back, but finding Jesus alive and well in my heart through The Word of God now that is the event you are surely after. For i got my lost life back and so very much more. Truly life changing meeting Jesus, even when you are in your pit, honestly true. i never want to be without Him again. Even depression His love can make bearable, be of good courage.

i hope you find Him.

Thank you so much for the support, really...

 

[Press On]

Hello friend,

Talk to Jesus at gut level. Sad, frustrated, confused, questions, ranting....lol! He has big shoulders and can take it. Share your heart as you would a dear and trusted friend. He respects that; He respects honesty.

The key is to expel the bad stuff holding you back, take it to Him and LEAVE IT THERE! The bad you are experiencing is just that....experiencing. Your identity should be not in your experiencing but in your Creator and His truth/promises.

I know you are agnostic. Don’t try to understand it all at once. You can’t.

Many of us here suffer depression and know it well. It can and will mess up your cognitive thinking skills. Get checked out medically if you possibly can. Many times a chemical imbalance in the brain is at the root cause. Spiritual/psychological issues as well sometimes.

Don’t quit, don’t give up, no matter how you feel. We are here for you. All the best and peace be to you.

 

[Drifter Kybe Scythe Kane]

Hello friend,

Talk to Jesus at gut level. Sad, frustrated, confused, questions, ranting....lol! He has big shoulders and can take it. Share your heart as you would a dear and trusted friend. He respects that; He respects honesty.

The key is to expel the bad stuff holding you back, take it to Him and LEAVE IT THERE! The bad you are experiencing is just that....experiencing. Your identity should be not in your experiencing but in your Creator and His truth/promises.

I know you are agnostic. Don’t try to understand it all at once. You can’t.

Many of us here suffer depression and know it well. It can and will mess up your cognitive thinking skills. Get checked out medically if you possibly can. Many times a chemical imbalance in the brain is at the root cause. Spiritual/psychological issues as well sometimes.

Don’t quit, don’t give up, no matter how you feel. We are here for you. All the best and peace be to you.

thanks...you know i feel like i'm at a crossroads...i feel like my identity is all i've got. i wanna have a life where i can just say, "stop these burdens!(in a christian case-"stop these burdens Oh Lord!")." in a sense i may without knowing it somewhere in my core envy christians in that because they are comforted and satisfied by God and the religion which comes with God...is it possible that i can keep my identity except the loneliness, anger, and quitting parts of it giving it to god still and thus at the same time let god deliver me into an eventual heaven in which he will give me anything i want/need for the rest of time? because i must admit my glory days are over, not unless something miraculous happens. i've never thought i'd EVER TRULY be on the brink of giving my identity up. i've always been a loner even when i was a normal person for you see i have schizo-affective disorder... i have a team and i will bring this up. my life may be over in a wholly me. but at least god can bring it up to the highest percentage level possible if i have faith in myself and him...thank you...truly...this could very well be the fist cheerful news i've had in a long while where i didn't feel so alone...heh...thanks dude. forreals, it really means a lot. i use to have skill sets without pain creeping in my head after trying to loosen up in a freedom type day so to speak in a mental and physical way successfully but i don't have that freedom anymore because the head pain and paranoia pain(i know, it's hard to describe though, the mind is capable of so many horrors, i'm not kidding about my mental horror(don't mean to say it's all about me but you are in an attempt to help and i need help...) but i have it for now. christianity can fill in for that void. man, just thinking about it, church people and christians on this site are so kind...they sacrifice for me a lot more than anyone else except my family of course. anyways thanks and i'd like more help if that's okay. i don't want to be alone with this pain. haha, wow if i ever have a unique relationship with god, i'm gonna eat my...uh, how about ramen so i can cheat in this little metaphor i'm saying here, lol. no seriously, thank you for the support, you may have pushed me in the right direction where...who knows i'll have christian friends who actually cares about me just because of their christian code and spirit like you man...word...peace out and god bless you from an agnostic on this message.