Wedding plans and making everyone happy...

[Cright]

Okay... I'm asking this for my sister E and her boyfriend M.

She has always envisioned a big wedding, a reception with dinner and a first dance and the whole thing...

Her bf wants to elope and come back and send out announcements and be done with it.

So to compromise she said, if we have a private wedding will you have a party (not wedding reception style, just a party to celebrate with friends). He agreed. Here's where it gets tuff...

By private she meant their mom's and siblings... by private he meant JUST the two of them. She asked my opinion....

I said that I think that at a minimum they should have their mom's there. (being as they want to and they gave them life). Fine if they don't want siblings (although I'd be sad to miss it). Also, I think she should have the mom's as witnesses since you legally have to have 2 in our state anyway. Why not have them instead of strangers?

He said to my sister "I'll do whatever you want, but I'll be miserable".

Ultimatly it will be up to E and M... but she's crying because she knows whatever she does at this point, people are going to be upset. She wants to make sure she doesn't upset her husband on what is also HIS wedding day, but can't imagine having the day with out our mom there either.

What would you do?

 

[Autumnleaf]

If he will not have a ceremony for family and friends to share the moment with them, and make his wife happy, I think he is being weird. She should think long and hard before proceeding with him.

 

[gzt]

I think they should investigate why, exactly, he wants a very private wedding. There may be some way to fulfill his underlying desires and still actually have people present.

 

[Kaitmeister]

Honestly I think that he's being a little bit selfish. Most women dream about their weddings from the time that they are 5 years old. He's asking her to give up a lifelong dream; she's asking him to give up one day. I suppose I don't understand why he would be miserable to have loved ones participate in his wedding day. I suppose if it's a money thing, it's a bit more understandable, but having immediate family there wouldn't cost much, if anything.

I agree with the other posters; I think he is acting kind of weird and they should really examine why he doesn't want anyone there.

 

[b.hopeful]

I was like your future bil....I would've been happy with no one there but we needed two witnesses so I brought my sister and he brought his best friend. We eloped....I felt it was personal and private and no one's day but mine and his. Did our families care? Of course, but they got over it. 16 years now and I've never regretted a second of it.

I think that if they can't compromise before the wedding....it's a big sign that perhaps they aren't looking before they leap.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

it's not HIS wedding, it's THEIR wedding. he sounds manipulative and selfish, this is a taste of things to come, his way or no way.

 

[Conservativation]

it's not HIS wedding, it's THEIR wedding. he sounds manipulative and selfish, this is a taste of things to come, his way or no way.

Wow, this and the post about it being HER day so therefore HE is selfish are just too complex and layered to discuss

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

Wow, this and the post about it being HER day so therefore HE is selfish are just too complex and layered to discuss

once again you've transferred!! I did NOT say it was HER wedding! I specifically said it is THEIR wedding! You are probably so wound up in your own frustration you didnt bother to read what i actually said before jumping all over it?

 

[royaltybyadoption]

What would you do?

I think her negotiations with her fiance are not finished. She was hoping to do a ceremony with family present on the condition they get rid of the reception and have an informal party.

He countered with ceremony and no family with informal party.

She needs to offer ceremony with no family and slightly more formal reception (i.e. - including vows and minister.)

That's the way men tend to negotiate and I think she would be wise to keep it unemotional. Their relationship is more important.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

he already made it emotional by saying "i'll be miserable"

 

[royaltybyadoption]

he already made it emotional by saying "i'll be miserable"

Yes, I think you are right.

 

[Cright]

I think her negotiations with her fiance are not finished. She was hoping to do a ceremony with family present on the condition they get rid of the reception and have an informal party.

He countered with ceremony and no family with informal party.

She needs to offer ceremony with no family and slightly more formal reception (i.e. - including vows and minister.)

That's the way men tend to negotiate and I think she would be wise to keep it unemotional. Their relationship is more important.

I think this would work if it was a business transaction, but she is emotionally invested too. She wants someone to share the moment with. I think it would be sad that they have to have 2 witnesses by law, and he doesn't want either to be anyone they know... so a stranger and the photographer get to be the legal witnesses for them? No isle to walk down, no dress to buy, no special destination... heck I'M sad for what she's considering giving up for him.

I will pass on this suggestion, maybe it'll work for her. When I'm talking to her I try to keep MY emotions out of him, it's ultimatly between them. Since I'm here I will say that I'm frustrated with him for making wedding planning an awful chore for her instead of the fun I think it should be!

 

[gzt]

I mean, seriously, what is his problem with it? You don't need to tell us, but, wow. That is extreme.

 

[Cright]

I wish I knew!

 

[LoisGriffin]

I originally said I would be sulking if I didn't get my dream of eloping in Las Vegas. I understand where he is coming from. The whole idea of performing in front of everyone made me feel sick.

Negotiations were crucial. A church wedding was really important to my dh so I gave in to him on that one but he had to do a lot of the planning because that part of it gave me nightmares.

They really need pre-marital counselling. If they cannot agree then maybe they shouldn't be getting married just yet.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

I agree with that, because this is a good example of how they will handle conflict in the future, and emotional guilt isnt very helpful, that just puts pressure on the situation rather than dealing with the issue and finding a solution.

 

[Cright]

Well... I think that most of simply was him not wanting the attention. This stumps me because he's great in any social situation I've seen. I think the antipication and waiting and thinking about it must be hard too.. because they've agreed to get married the weekend before Christmas and have parents (+ 1 grandma) and siblings...so 10 guests in all. They already picked a beautiful location. I'm shocked that it's so soon and he agreed to all of us... but think he was able to muster up the confidence because he doesn't have to spend months planning and thinking about it.

 

[shoprag]

I think having a handful of family members there does not constitute much attention, and the fact that he will be "miserable" if a few folks watch the wedding tells me that he is selfish. I would be wary of anyone who told me that if they don't get their way, they will be "miserable" - especially a man. That would make my alarms go off. Any man should know that he needs to get out of the way and let his bride have her wedding her way.

 

[Niffer]

Normally, I'm all for equality in all things..buuuuutttt...
Like some others have said, women invest a LOT into planning/dreaming about their wedding.
I'm not saying all men don't/shouldn't care - of course the should. However, compromises must be made.
I'd be horrified if Remi didn't want my own mother at my wedding.

Okay, so RL example:
Remi wanted the ultrasounds of our baby to be private.
I wanted my parents there to help us celebrate the new little one.

We butted heads for quite a while, until I conceded that the first ultrasound would be just us. The second one my folks could join us.

Sometimes both parties just have to give a little.
But it does sound like the husband-to-be is being very manipulative, by saying "I'll be miserable."
How horrid to have your fiance say point blank that he'll hate his own wedding day unless she does exactly what he wants?!?
Red flag! Red flag! *sirens*

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[Avniel]

Okay... I'm asking this for my sister E and her boyfriend M.

She has always envisioned a big wedding, a reception with dinner and a first dance and the whole thing...

Her bf wants to elope and come back and send out announcements and be done with it.

So to compromise she said, if we have a private wedding will you have a party (not wedding reception style, just a party to celebrate with friends). He agreed. Here's where it gets tuff...

By private she meant their mom's and siblings... by private he meant JUST the two of them. She asked my opinion....

I said that I think that at a minimum they should have their mom's there. (being as they want to and they gave them life). Fine if they don't want siblings (although I'd be sad to miss it). Also, I think she should have the mom's as witnesses since you legally have to have 2 in our state anyway. Why not have them instead of strangers?

He said to my sister "I'll do whatever you want, but I'll be miserable".

Ultimatly it will be up to E and M... but she's crying because she knows whatever she does at this point, people are going to be upset. She wants to make sure she doesn't upset her husband on what is also HIS wedding day, but can't imagine having the day with out our mom there either.

What would you do?

Mind my business and not add to the drama.