Want to move out and be independent (but my family doesn't want me to). ADVICE!!

[Patriot1776]

Okay... Here's the thing. I need your advice. I am 25 years old and I still live at home. Once I graduated high school, I took my parents advice and continued to go to school by going to a community college. I have had to take some semesters off due to money and having to take care of sick family members around the clock.

I want to move out, be independent and take care of myself, but I have many obstacles in the way right now. My Mom is very protective (understandably so) and sheltering of her kids and doesn't want me to move out until I get married. She is afraid that something bad will happen to me if I do.

I feel like I am stuck right now in life... I feel trapped because of my home life...

• My other two siblings in my household don’t do anything around here and do not have any responsibilities, except for their bedrooms (which are NEVER clean). They come and go as they please and only come home to sleep. The next day, they’re gone again. They both have jobs. They both have cars (their cars were bought for them).
• I am a clean freak/neat nick. My bedroom is the only bedroom that is ever clean and spotless in the house.
• I clean the WHOLE house (vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing, sweeping, etc)… It wasn’t until a few months ago that I started to get paid for cleaning it. I’ve been cleaning the house for years. I cook dinner as well from time to time (that is if they don’t get something out to eat).
• I do everyone’s laundry and put everyone’s clothes up in their rooms. My siblings have gotten mad at me before if I didn’t do their stuff or get a certain shirt in the load for their work. The house is a hotel for them, basically. They want me to do stuff for them at the house.
• I was afraid of driving for quite a while. It wasn’t until 2 years ago that I finally got my permit. I am working on getting my license. I’m not able to drive myself anywhere or do anything, and I am always stuck in the house. I never get out unless it is to go to the church to work. It is embarrassing because I have to wait on someone to take me to places. I do not have my own car either. (I beat myself up for not wanting to drive earlier in life. It has prohibited me from getting where I want to go in life).
• I don’t have a full-time job (I work part time at my church but it hardly pays anything). I do some freelance work from time to time, too. If I ever bring up a job opening that is full time, my mom discourages it (even if it is not a high paying job). I am willing to do whatever I can to provide for myself.
• My mom (who I love dearly) treats me like I am a teenager. I have a good head on my shoulders and I have been raised right, but she is afraid of letting her kids go and live their own lives. She doesn’t want me to move out until I get married one day. My dad agrees with her in person, but tells me one-on-one that I need to save up, get a car and a job and move out.
• She has this mindset of "Don't tell me no, and do whatever I say" when it comes to me.
• I dated this girl for a few months. She had a past but we cared for one another. The family didn’t like her because of this (as if she is the only person on this earth with a past… we all have one). Mom threatened to break up the relationship by telling this girl that I was still learning to drive. I told her that this was wrong and that she shouldn’t say things like that. She told me that she could do whatever she wanted and that she could end the relationship right then if she wanted to. She'd call the girl names and make comments about her. She wouldn’t even let me drive her car unless I was no longer friends with this girl (we ended up breaking up because of where we are at different stages in our lives). While I was dating this girl, my mom wanted to know everything. She wanted me to tell her if and when I kissed the girl (the exact time and date. I think that this is too far).
• My mom is not in the best of health and can’t do certain things for herself because she is obese. She doesn’t do much. She sits on the computer and plays games. She’ll get up to go to the bathroom or do dishes but she can’t stand for too long. She constantly calls me in the room to do stuff for her. She isn’t doing anything to help herself. Part of me would feel guilty for wanting to move out because I feel like I am leaving her behind and that she would be my responsibility. I have always been her right hand man, always helping.
• I’ve always been one who did what people asked and never gave any lip. Whenever I try to speak my mind and talk about things, I am usually interrupted by my family members. They blow me off.
• I have always been one to myself and have been an introvert.
• I am not lazy. I will work my butt off until a job is done. I am a hard worker.
• Other people outside of my family can see that I am taken advantage of by my family. My family doesn’t see what they are doing is wrong. It's the norm for them.
• Sometimes if I am talking to people at church, my family members will interrupt me and finish my sentences.
• I am a people pleaser. I am never a jerk and I am always respectable.
• Sometimes I struggle with confidence.
• I am taking on-classes for my Associates degree and I only need one more class to graduate.
• I don't really have any friends. Everyone who I knew and was good friends with left after high school.
• I have a servant’s heart. I will help anyone with anything and I tend to sacrifice myself to the point where I am always doing for others...
• I have purchased things for myself with my own money (computer desk, bookshelf, etc.) I am responsible, neat and organized. I am saving money up at the moment for a car.

People here at my house ask me to do stuff for them all the time. I am not opposed to helping out, but when it comes to being called over and over and over and over to do stuff, it does get old. I get tired of hearing my name called. At the same time, people shouldn’t be asking me to do stuff for them when they should get off their backsides and do it themselves. It’s called laziness. This is not me being a jerk or being rude. It’s the truth.

I give so much of myself to people; perhaps even too much of myself. I do so much for others that I do nothing for myself, and I am afraid that if I continue to constantly do everything for everyone else's life, I in fact will never have lived a life of my own.

There is a certain point where you do so much for people that they expect you to automatically do it for them and they get upset when you don’t do it right away. People can be snitty, rude and hateful. Sometimes I get yelled at and sometimes I am even am cussed at. It becomes a problem when you give too much of your time and yourself. It’s called being taken advantage of, and it is wrong. I don’t believe I am wrong in that I want to have my OWN life.

I have been struggling with some depression lately. I feel like I can’t do anything. I am miserable and I feel like I am starting late in life because of my fears (fears of rejection, past fear of driving) and that I have missed out. What should I do? I need direction... This is my only way to vent...

Advice would be well appreciated... Thanks.

 

[EazyMack]

If you can afford it, do it!

Get a good roommate.

 

[jehoiakim]

you are 35 bro, there are things you need to learn to do on your own before you ever get married, that is assuming God is calling you to marriage. It will be a lot easier on your wife, and for you if you spend some time living on your own assuming you can afford it..... Part of being a man is being able to take leaps of faith in God and do as he is calling you to do, is he calling you to this? If he is, the rest is irrelevant, you must obey God Personally I think this is an important step for your maturity especially since you feel so clear about it.

 

[SH89]

As an adult, you have no obligation to stay with your parents underneath their house. Helping your parents if they need assistance is important, but this doesn't require them to shelter you.

I personally moved out when I was 23 turning 24. It's been a great experience, and I've matured a lot because of it. You learn a lot about the real world and how to conduct yourself. It also makes you want to trust in God more because...you don't have your parents right there!

 

[Patriot1776]

I mentioned something about taking my driving test, and they (parents) said that I should get it when THEY THINK that I am ready for it. Until then, they don't want me to get it. I'm not a bad driver or anything... So frustrating...

 

[Shiranui117]

I'd assert myself more, personally. Your family will continually take advantage of you and boss you around until you draw a line in the sand. It may ruffle a LOT of feathers, but it's clear from your post that you need to give your family a wake-up call. You said you wanted to live your own life and you get tired of basically being the servant of the family--I think you should tell your family exactly what you've told us about how you feel, stand your ground, and don't back down until you've gotten your family to accept that things are gonna be a-changing.

Yes, the hardcore Christian/monastic advice would be to tell you to lovingly put up with your family. But when it comes to the point when your family is routinely taking advantage of you, you need to set your foot down, get your family to accept the fact that you are going to be your own person and you are going to do your own thing without having to answer to your mother and your family all the time, and get your family to start taking some responsibility for their own lives. Go and get yourself a license, job and (if God so wills) a girlfriend; your family can't stop you from moving on with your life forever, and you should show them that.

Be your own man and buck the familial yoke as soon as you can. You're clearly capable of handling yourself, perhaps with some of your mentioned confidence issues aside, but with time, experience will turn into confidence. Like EazyMack said, you might wanna get a roommate or several if money's going to be an issue. It'd also help you make an easy transition from having a family support structure, to cooperating with others in the same position as you in order to get things done, to being fully independent and on your own.

 

[JojotheBeloved]

I feel for you. Reading your post reminds me in part of some of the struggles I've had with my family from time to time as well, and other friends of mine who've struggled even more than me with these types of issues. It sounds like you don't just want to move out, but that you NEED to move out. Don't rush into marriage without first knowing yourself and what you can do, because in my life that has been very helpful in my relationships since I'm confident I can live on my own if/when I want to. The idea that your mom wants to keep you home until you're married might even keep you from getting married, since it sounds like you spend so much of your time helping at the house that you don't get out to meet people much and when you do your mom tries to control or destroy the relationship. I can understand wanting to please your parents and wanting to help out, I do that a lot too, but at some point you're going to have to stand up for yourself. For me, the person I was in conflict with was my dad and I ended up moving out when I was a late teen (fortunately my family had resources to allow me to do that by staying with extended family and friends until I went to college at a boarding school). I had to insist on talking to him, sit him down directly across from me, get in his face and tell him to shut up and listen because I had something I needed to say or I would explode. Whatever your style is, you need to have it out with your mom. Also, stop doing stuff for your siblings that they are capable of doing for themselves. It's difficult, they will get angry, but that's tough. Do it anyway. It's not helping them or you for you to be their slave. Same thing with mom. With her it'll be more difficult because of respect for parents, but you need to learn to say no. Say no and stick to it. It'll be hard at first, but once you've established a standard it'll get easier because they'll stop asking. Something I do sometimes with family and even my bf also to let them know I still love them and want to be of help but also maintain a respect of my personal space, schedule, and independant choices is to say no to demands but consider reasonable requests. For example, if dad says, "I need you to_____ for me." I say, "I'm sorry I can't right now. I have ____ to do already." But if he asks saying, "could you please do ____ for me tomorrow? It would really help me out." I can reply saying, "I might be able to fit that in. I have x, y, and z to do tomorrow already, but I think I can manage your request as well." See that way they have to give advance notice and communicate what they want in a respectful manner in order to get it. Sometimes if my bf says, "make me a sandwich!" I'll say, "not asking like that." and get him to ask nicely with a please before I'll respond in the manner he wishes. To some extent we teach people how to treat us, so there sounds like there's a need to re-teach your family how to treat you respectfully and like the 25 year old adult that you are. Courage, friend! You can do this! And if all else fails, move out anyway! As far as you can so you can establish your own life. I did it by staying with extended family, then going to a boarding college, then taking a job in another state. I've had friends who've done it by getting married (be careful with this one though), going on a student mission trip for an extended period, or working at a summer camp all year round. Just some ideas if they're needed. God will take care of you always. Praying for you.

btw, money-wise: living with roommates/housemates is a great idea getting started. You could also rent a room from someone who owns a house already. Also, since full-time jobs can be difficult to find, two part-time jobs can get you at least enough cash if you're willing to work hard (which it sounds like you are).

 

[Nickybobby]

Join the peace corps, leave home!