Waiting For Kissing

[Rose of Eden]

All of this talk about the sexuality/non-sexuality of kissing has had me thinking about this topic again.

What do you all, specifically the Christian men on here, think about waiting on kissing? What are your honest thoughts?

I ask because I have been considering for some time waiting for my next kiss. Specifically, I've been seriously thinking about holding off on kissing until I'm engaged.

It may sound silly, but I have a reason for seriously considering this. I know myself and my weaknesses. I've learned from mistakes I've made in past relationships. Any sort of kissing beyond innocent, short pecks on the lips gets my mind going places it shouldn't. I get too into it and while I can stop myself most of the time, I know that if I keep up things like making out in a relationship, eventually I'll slip up and go too far. I don't want to dishonor God like that, I don't want to cause a man I love and respect to sin in that manner, and I don't want jeopardize any future relationship because of a slip-up. I don't mind kissing in a relationship necessarily, but I'm very cautious about starting it early because innocent kissing tends to become boring after too long of doing only that and then the temptation is to want to keep going further and further. But I figure, if I wait until an engagement to start that whole process, there's a much smaller chance of a slip up because we won't have to wait as long until we're married. Does any of that make sense?

Men, I would really appreciate your opinions. How many of you would honestly be perfectly fine and respectful about a woman you're with who wanted to wait until you were engaged to kiss? Would this be something you'd embrace in the relationship and be excited about? Would it be something you'd reluctantly agree to only because you truly love her and want to respect her and God? Or is it something you wouldn't feel you could put up with? Would you consider it a dealbreaker?

 

[Scottish Knight]

deal breaker over such a small thing? no way. I think you gave good reasons for waiting. any guy should respect that

 

[somebodysangel_88]

My best friend and her husband had never kissed anyone until their wedding day... She's was 23 (24 now) and he's 27 so it can happen!

 

[tahoe]

*patiently awaiting replies*

Rose, I kind of want to reply and say it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things what the guys on here say. What it boils down to is - if you are waiting for Gods match for you, his is the only opinion that matters. And if he's from God I'm almost positive he will respect your wishes.

 

[Amber.ly]

I think the last time this topic came around, none of the guys would even consider it.

I'm with you on the "No kissing until engagement" idea. I'm not a hardcore "No premarital touching!" person but I think that the problem in relationships never stems from lack of boundaries

 

[m.a.r.X]

I'll save it for the wedding day for obvious reasons

 

[Rose of Eden]

*patiently awaiting replies*

Rose, I kind of want to reply and say it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things what the guys on here say. What it boils down to is - if you are waiting for Gods match for you, his is the only opinion that matters. And if he's from God I'm almost positive he will respect your wishes.

It doesn't truly matter, but I've been curious. Making a decision like this could potentially have a huge impact: it makes the pool of eligible men even smaller than it already is for me. I sometimes worry that I'm making my standards too high for any man to want to put up with.

I think the last time this topic came around, none of the guys would even consider it.

I'm with you on the "No kissing until engagement" idea. I'm not a hardcore "No premarital touching!" person but I think that the problem in relationships never stems from lack of boundaries

Well, that's disheartening. But I'm glad you agree with me!

deal breaker over such a small thing? no way. I think you gave good reasons for waiting. any guy should respect that

That's encouraging. I hope there are other men who feel this same way.

 

[tahoe]

It doesn't truly matter, but I've been curious. Making a decision like this could potentially have a huge impact: it makes the pool of eligible men even smaller than it already is for me. I sometimes worry that I'm making my standards too high for any man to want to put up with.

I understand. I'm in the same boat, so to speak.

 

[redblue22]

yep, it eliminates.

 

[twnsrkr]

I wouldn't be overly excited if she had kissed someone else before me. The way I see it is that she could potentially be someone else's wife, till we're married. You reap what you sow.

 

[MehGuy]

I'd love it if I had a girlfriend who refused to kiss me.

 

[redblue22]

it isn't the kissing that eliminates. it is just another rule in the books to follow. I don't like having a huge list of rules to follow. and there's always another rule to make me just that much more special and godly and better than everyone else. I don't like the nagging, correcting, controlling accountability that comes with such rules. I would rather give up the relationship than to live under all that garbage. Cry out, FREEDOM!!!

 

[Keri]

I'd love it if I had a girlfriend who refused to kiss me.

I just LOL'd in my lecture.
Thankfully the tutor is a loud speaker.

 

[OldTimesCruelty]

Nah, you're making sense. I would be just fine either way, any boundaries a girl would have I would not want to cross, and I think that's a pretty reasonable one. At least for me it wouldn't change the quality of a relationship. That said, it's not something I would get excited about, but I would not feel bad about it either, it is what it is. I'd certainly be proud of her for wanting to do something to stick to whatever is necessary to keep things from going too far, anything that avoids any particular weakness you may have, and we all have plenty of those. It's a great and I believe attractive thing to acknowledge that you have difficulties with that sort of thing, it shows that you are willing to deal with problems directly and not just shove it under a rug and make up excuses as you go to justify it, which could very well lead to some pretty heavy consequences down the line.

Also, anything that a girl may have done to end up going too far in any way would not turn me off if she showed that she has truly repented of it. I'm plenty guilty of that myself, though at least some things are still intact...

It doesn't truly matter, but I've been curious. Making a decision like this could potentially have a huge impact: it makes the pool of eligible men even smaller than it already is for me. I sometimes worry that I'm making my standards too high for any man to want to put up with.

I don't think it's too high at all, but then again I've always had pretty high standards for myself and others, both for relationships and in general, so I know how it is to feel like it will be difficult to find a partner who thinks the same way. It's very disheartening indeed.

 

[MacFall]

Kissing is exactly as intimate as you intend it to be. There's really no way to defend a universal position about what people should do with it before marriage. It's a matter of conscience.

For those who think that kissing is inherently sexual, I'd just like to know on whose authority they are making that pronouncement. And to hopefully head off a whole line of argument at the pass - one's own inability to recieve or give a kiss without sexual intent is not an argument for statements of universal morality. True, the lips are erogenous zones - but so are fingertips and cheeks. Do you also believe that holding hands or touching someone's face are inherently sexual? If not, then neither is kissing, by that standard. If so, again I would ask by what standard (not counting your own subjective experiences) you would make that pronouncement.

But that aside, to the OP: It's pretty much a given that your non-kissing standard is going to severely restrict the number of men available to you, because frankly, most men don't care about it that much. And you're also going to deal with the fact that most men in your age group who haven't kissed anyone have not done so not because they believe they shouldn't. It's not like sex, where there is a widespread positive attitude towards waiting that indicates that the members of the group hold themselves to a high standard. Rather, most of us haven't kissed anyone because nobody wants to kiss us, regardless of our own feelings on the matter. So consider whether you really want to restrict your dating options to a group dominated by undesirable people before making your decision. You may never meet the extreme minority within the extreme minority that is the man who does not kiss for the same reasons you do not.

Now keep in mind that my own neuroses are strongly at work here, and this probably doesn't apply to everyone. But whereas it would not be a dealbreaker for a woman to say she wanted to wait until our engagement to kiss me, I would strongly suspect that she really didn't want or perhaps even feared physical affection from me if she would not even accept such a token gesture as a kiss. I've had women refuse me over far less, far too many times, to be completely okay with that. It would be hard for me to accept.

 

[Sketcher]

I've never had a kiss at my age. I might as well have my first kiss mean something. I don't see myself not getting attached to a woman after kissing her, so I would hope that we would actually be official at that point.

I would love to find a woman who would not hold this against me in any way, or wish I were more practiced. I could get more practiced outside of a relationship, but that would be throwing too much away - both heartwise and I'd probably have to get drunk or something to make that happen. I don't want to go down that road, addictive personality runs in my family. If there's a good way to find an attractive woman like this and a good way to break the news to her, I'm all ears.

 

[Saucy]

I rather enjoy kissing

But I'm the kind of guy who respects boundaries so if my girlfriend wanted to wait until marriage, I'd definitely be up for it. We've already set boundaries for us and it's awesome to know what lines not to cross and what is okay based upon what we know will bring us the most temptation and to stay away from those temptations. We know each others strengths and weaknesses when it comes to that.

Rosie, the right guy will be the right guy because he fits all your quirky needs, desires and won't look past them. Perhaps ya'll will talk and even come to a compromise on some of them. And I don't mean "quirky" disrespectfully at all...I think it's awesome to have high standards for yourself and I have mucho respect for you Rosie

Any guy who doesn't respect that doesn't deserve you at all

 

[ImperatorWall]

If I ever do get married (Lord willing) my wife is the only woman I'll ever embrace.

And that will first happen on the wedding day.

Physical intimacy is not something I like to discuss, but if a line in the sand must be drawn, I'll draw it.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

All of this talk about the sexuality/non-sexuality of kissing has had me thinking about this topic again.

What do you all, specifically the Christian men on here, think about waiting on kissing? What are your honest thoughts?

I ask because I have been considering for some time waiting for my next kiss. Specifically, I've been seriously thinking about holding off on kissing until I'm engaged.

It may sound silly, but I have a reason for seriously considering this. I know myself and my weaknesses. I've learned from mistakes I've made in past relationships. Any sort of kissing beyond innocent, short pecks on the lips gets my mind going places it shouldn't. I get too into it and while I can stop myself most of the time, I know that if I keep up things like making out in a relationship, eventually I'll slip up and go too far. I don't want to dishonor God like that, I don't want to cause a man I love and respect to sin in that manner, and I don't want jeopardize any future relationship because of a slip-up. I don't mind kissing in a relationship necessarily, but I'm very cautious about starting it early because innocent kissing tends to become boring after too long of doing only that and then the temptation is to want to keep going further and further. But I figure, if I wait until an engagement to start that whole process, there's a much smaller chance of a slip up because we won't have to wait as long until we're married. Does any of that make sense?

Men, I would really appreciate your opinions. How many of you would honestly be perfectly fine and respectful about a woman you're with who wanted to wait until you were engaged to kiss? Would this be something you'd embrace in the relationship and be excited about? Would it be something you'd reluctantly agree to only because you truly love her and want to respect her and God? Or is it something you wouldn't feel you could put up with? Would you consider it a dealbreaker?

I think you're extremely wise in choosing to wait on kissing until engagement. You know yourself better than anyone (except God of course) and you understand your weaknesses. If you recognize kissing as something that'll probably lead you to other things, then it's very wise for you to make the decision to wait on kissing again.

Personally, my goal is wait until my wedding day. I know a lot of people either think this is silly or just plain unrealistic. I really don't care. It's my choice. I personally find it wise and the right thing to do, but also, as I've gotten older, I believe I might be weak like Rose is in that area and might 'slip up' should I ever allow myself the pleasure of kissing in a relationship.

 

[Rose of Eden]

Kissing is exactly as intimate as you intend it to be. There's really no way to defend a universal position about what people should do with it before marriage. It's a matter of conscience.

For those who think that kissing is inherently sexual, I'd just like to know on whose authority they are making that pronouncement. And to hopefully head off a whole line of argument at the pass - one's own inability to recieve or give a kiss without sexual intent is not an argument for statements of universal morality. True, the lips are erogenous zones - but so are fingertips and cheeks. Do you also believe that holding hands or touching someone's face are inherently sexual? If not, then neither is kissing, by that standard. If so, again I would ask by what standard (not counting your own subjective experiences) you would make that pronouncement.

But that aside, to the OP: It's pretty much a given that your non-kissing standard is going to severely restrict the number of men available to you, because frankly, most men don't care about it that much. And you're also going to deal with the fact that most men in your age group who haven't kissed anyone have not done so not because they believe they shouldn't. It's not like sex, where there is a widespread positive attitude towards waiting that indicates that the members of the group hold themselves to a high standard. Rather, most of us haven't kissed anyone because nobody wants to kiss us, regardless of our own feelings on the matter. So consider whether you really want to restrict your dating options to a group dominated by undesirable people before making your decision. You may never meet the extreme minority within the extreme minority that is the man who does not kiss for the same reasons you do not.

Now keep in mind that my own neuroses are strongly at work here, and this probably doesn't apply to everyone. But whereas it would not be a dealbreaker for a woman to say she wanted to wait until our engagement to kiss me, I would strongly suspect that she really didn't want or perhaps even feared physical affection from me if she would not even accept such a token gesture as a kiss. I've had women refuse me over far less, far too many times, to be completely okay with that. It would be hard for me to accept.

Well, I wasn't implying that I would only want a man who has never kissed. That I could care less about. I don't care if he's kissed 10 women or none. Here, I'm only asking if men would be okay with waiting until an engagement to kiss their girlfriend if that's what she wanted.

I'm also not implying that kissing is always a sexual act. I cannot say when it is or isn't for anyone other than myself. And for me, it's very difficult to separate passionate forms of kissing from lustful thoughts. Maybe other people are different, or maybe I'm simply more honest than others and willing to something that's true for everyone. I don't know...nor do I care. All I know is what's true for me.


So then, how should a woman keep her mind and heart pure without creating standards and "rules" that scare men away?