Unequally Yoked

[thoughts]

I'm not sure if this is the correct are to be posting this. But the problem is I'm in a relationship with someone who isn't exactly a believer, sometimes claiming to be but not at all devout, and having very backwards views on even basic Christian fundamentals. She does not place nearly as much importance in God as I do, and is even aware of some of the opposite views we have. This is becoming an issue since we're slowly approaching the marriage stage.

Meanwhile my exgf is interested in getting back together, but not pressuring at all. I'm really not a bad guy, and my interest isn't in going behind my girlfriends back. It's just my ex and I have recently been sharing our beliefs and interests for the future. Since marriage is growing more as my focus, I'm worried that a choice to stay with my girlfriend would have bad consequences in an unequally yoked marriage. It's not that I've lost interest in her physically or anything, but I feel horrible that I have emotionally, and I am certain it stems from my uncertainties of a future with her. I'm not saying I'd run straight to my ex, but I am just finding that speaking to a woman with the same beliefs is refreshing, and is causing me some distress.

 

[roxanne_101]

It seems like you know what you should do in this case. If you guys don't share the same beliefs, then you shouldn't be together. You mentioned that you place more importance on God than she does. Trust me, I've been there and done that several times. Just because someone says they're a Christian doesn't mean you should be with them. If her life doesn't reflect this or you seem to be on different pages regarding your relationship with God then you should let it go. I advise you to seek God's help in this situation as he will lead you to the best decision.

 

[Luther073082]

What are these "backwards views on Chrisitan fundamentals" For example, you would find that the Lutheran theology that I subscribe to to be very different from the theology that Pentacostals subscribe to.

I often find that many people in a certain denomination seem to think that every denomination is like theirs and that they all belive the same way.

So its important to know if this is a case of someone who understands Christian doctrine in a different way or if its someone who's fallen to an all out heresy or someone who understands Christian doctrine differently.

I think ultimatly though I'm not sure this would work out. There is a reason I married someone who was Lutheran, because I couldn't marry a Pentacostal. And its nothing against Pentacostal's or that I think we're better then they are. Its just there is so much that we disagree on its rather pointless to even try.

I actually know a Lutheran guy online who is dating a Pentacostal. They want to get married, but they want to come to an agreement on theology first. Well they've been working on that "agreement on theology" thing for about 2 years now and have made. . . zero progress.

 

[Gavinswalker]

I was married to a pentecostal Conservative and I also was the same , but when i looked deeper into some views , esp about tithing and having a great involvment in a church, i decided i dont believe in the Tithing thing or having to be at Church 6 days a week, through this and a few other things we divorced as it was very important to her that her partner believes in Tithing and attends the church as much as she does. I am now with an Agnostic girl . we have the same moral code and how we would bring up kids, she even challenges me on reading the bible and praying and if im doing it regularly, so you see it depends on the couple everyone is different there is no rule of thumb

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I'd also be interested to hear what views she is "backwards" on. Many of them could, like has been said, be denominational differences.

 

[E.C.]

Define "backwards". If it is something unimportant like whether women can wear pants in church or not, than get over it. If it is something truly important such as lacking belief that Jesus Christ is both God and Man, than that's a different story.

 

[sniperelite7]

Good heavens I hope you haven't told her that you love her! My girlfriend was a wiccan. Of course she became a christian and I could say that our relationship is stronger for it. Looking back I would still be with her if even if she hadn't changed. Though now we might disagree on theology! I am saying this because the impression that I get of love from the Bible is that it isn't some shallow two-bit deal that fades away when some fundamental differences between two people appear.

Of course maybe you haven't told her you love her. In that case you wouldn't be a liar. But then I have no idea why someone would consider marrying another person without being absolutely sure they loved them!

But for some advice, she sounds like a precious child of God who may be lost. So why not help her out or at least try to understand? Its what, at least according to my view. A loving significant other would do.

 

[Mist73MMX]

All I can think of at this time is in the bible it says "Don"t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can goodness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the Devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? And what union can there be between God's temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God said: "I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be my people." Therefore, come out from them and separate yourselves from them, says the Lord. Don't touch their filthy things, and i will welcome you. And I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty." 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 Basically what its saying is if you stay with someone who doesn't have the same veiws of God as you or the same values as you there is no way that you can live a happy and prosperous life. So if you wish to be happy you really need to think about what i said and put alot of consideration into it. Best of luck.

 

[sniperelite7]

So if you wish to be happy you really need to think about what i said and put alot of consideration into it. Best of luck.

Yet does it not seem selfish to leave a a potentially struggling brother or sister in Christ at a time when they need support? How is that loving in any way at all? Irregardless we are speaking of a christian that needs strengthening and uplifting. Not tearing down because they aren't "christian" enough.

 

[Mist73MMX]

Yes we are to help them but there's such a thing as false christians who claim to be a christian just to look good but don't actually follow what a christian should. They are the ones who end up leading christians astray and that we are warned about all through the bible to avoid. She deffinately sounds like she is one of those people all I was doing is trying to warn him to tread carefully for those who don't will end up being lead astray. There are alot of people nowadays who say things to look good and put up a good image so you believe them but then their true self starts to show as they start feeling they don't have to put on an act no longer and by that time your already attached and its very hard to let them go so I just was making a statement from the bible that gives an idea of what to do when your stuck in such a situation. After all you can't help everyone especially if they are stuck in their ways and feel they are right and won't budge or listen and start a fight with you when you even mention anything they don't agree with. Which also sounds like her. Trust me its impossible to bring all to God especially if they feel they aren't doing anything wrong and get defensive when you try to give some veiw points that aren't theirs. I've tried and all it did was make me discouraged and feel upset because I tried and tried and they didn't budge. I thought all people could be led to God if you try hard enough to bring them to him but it seemed to discourage rather then encourage so all you can do is try and if they won't budge leave it in Gods hands to hopefully bring them around eventually so you don't end up pushing them further away. Unfortunately thats how most people are nowadays and its getting more difficult for christians to win people for christ especially with so many false christians leading people to believe that christians are hypocritical for they don't follow what they preach nor all of the values Christ has given for christians to follow and just the ones they like. As I said she sounds like one of the ones that just say they are christians just to look good and don't follow christian values thats why he needs to be cautious. God bless all.

 

[snowbirdling]

Wow, I'm appalled at the invasive advice being given to the initial poster. There really isn't enough information to infer anything. There are a lot of things that go into a marriage, including views. Differing religious views, especially since they will morph and transform as you and your girlfriend grow and experience life, are not as much of an issue as one might expect. DEPENDING, of course, on the issues.

My fiance and I have been together 7 years, endured quite a long time of me feeling "unequally yolked", converted to Eastern Orthodox Christianity together, and we both now feel more at home than we ever were in our former states. Being Christians together in this way is not what either of us expected or anticipated (certainly not when we first started dating), but it is where God led us. And I have never been more thankful that I just held on to my gut feelings that it was the right way to go, even when I couldn't hear God's voice in the matter.

So I guess, without any more information all I can say is PRAY and be EXTREMELY honest with yourself about what qualms you're having. Personally, from the emphasis you put on the "ex", it sounds more like you are just getting cold feet and missing the ex and the comfort of that past and more familiar world. But don't worry, change isn't always bad, and the unfamiliar is often better than what you knew.

 

[samiam1272]

You need to sit down and discuss the differences you have in beliefs and how they would affect a relationship over time or when they come up.
For example... if she feels that homosexuality is ok and not sinful, or that children can be exposed to things that you know you wouldn't want the children exposed to, or she doesnt understand forgiveness, or doesn't believe in the resurrection... just some examples of issues that can cause problems later on. The biggest one of course is that she understands what God expects from us and is interested in a relationship with him if you are also.

 

[ktl549]

Maybe the best thing in this situation would be to ask God, truly pray to him and ask for his will to be done over your life, stop focusing on marriage and your girlfriend and ex-girlfiend and start focusing on God more, God has the perfect partner picked especially for you, he has the perfect date when you will meet her and the perfect day you will be married. One of my sisters has always attracted realy bad boyfriends in the past, and everytime my mum prayed if this boyfriend was not of Gods will for her life for this relationship to be severed,and everytime it has been. My mum isn't trying to ruin her life (as my sister thinks) but is really trying to save it,and trust me these guys have been bad news i.e physical abuse etc. I think maybe if you prayed to God this same prayer, and he truly sees your heart is sincere he will definitely guide you into what you should do. If there is anything I can offer you with your current GF, dont judge her for not having a greater faith, but continually love her as she is warts and all. Even if you don't have the ''emotional'' feelings for her, still love her and pray for her as a sister in christ. God will show you what to do if you truly seek his will.

 

[bklatinarab92]

i Have a similiar situation as you do. and i cant give you advice from my knowledge, cuz i can be dumb. lol but i think KTL is right focus on God He'll lead you right, and ill offer that i can be there for you as a brother to talk to, seeing as i feel the same way with my GF but DONT JUDGE. cuz your not as devout as Paul but God loves you equally. the other girl.. i feel like it can lead to a trap.. just a feeling but right now no moves without god direction alright brother? And what really helped me alot in my relationship when i felt unequal was 1Corinthians 13, and christ love for me.. i was bad alot and he never gave up and now he got me.. i really like my gf love her.. im willing to suffer long and be kind and not desire my own ways but show her christ self sacrifical love.. with Christ Love, Vincent Cruz

 

[GL467]

And I have never been more thankful that I just held on to my gut feelings that it was the right way to go, even when I couldn't hear God's voice in the matter.

Thanks. It's reassuring to hear about somebody else that has gone through the "dating an unbeliever" dilemma herself. I sometimes make myself miserable over that matter from time to time. When I first came across that "do not be yoked with an unbeliever passage", I was already in a relationship with a girl who has little interest in Christianity for 3 years. It made me feel like the rich guy that was told by Jesus to sell all of his stuff, even though we felt that we understood each other on many levels.