Talking about things with your companion before marriage.

[KnightForChrist82]

I wanted to ask some Christians on this subject, that were not related to me or my girlfriend. Its bugging me this morning.

My girlfriend and me have decided that one day we are going to marry each other. She knows I am going to propose within the next 3 months, but does know when or how. We have gotten to know each other very well and are real close with one another.

She attends an Assembly of God church and I am a member of a Baptist church. We had our first disagreement a couple of nights ago regarding an issue with movies. We settled it calmly and within a few minutes.

But there have been some things I want to discuss with her regarding our morals and when we have a family how I'd like to raise our children, because we both have agreed we want children one day.

Lately, it seems her attituide towards things is what "she" wants more than just talking to me about it. Like i suggested naming our kid "Jackson" and she was like "we are NOT naming our kid that." and "we will NOT" or "I WILL" type of attituide which really really annoys me.

Another issue is me listening to country music. Now dont get me wrong, there are some songs on country radio I do not like or won't listen to, that talks about adultery and drinking, but I have grew up on country music and music in general in my life and I love listening to it. There are some good clean country songs out there that I love to listen to, but she will not listen to it at all and made a comment the other night she doesnt know why I listen to it because its not Christian.

I dont want to cause problems, nor do I wanna seem like someone who likes to argue, but I feel there are some things we should talk about before we decide to get engaged and married. Do you think by me setting down talking to her about these subjects calmly will effect our relationship in a bad way?

I just dont want her to think I am thriving on disagreements or trying to create drama, but I feel there are some issues that need to be talked about. We are a lot alike and for the most part, agree 95% on things in life such as beliefs and about our Lord Jesus Christ.

Thanks in advance for those who respond and may God bless you!!

 

[bliz]

As a general rule of thumb, it's a very good idea to talk together about how you both view a lot of issues before getting married. People tend to assume that someone they are in love with will share your beliefs on, say, money, sex, church, but that is not always the case. You need to share certain core values, but also be able to work together on the less important issues.

This is what should be going on through a courtship. It may be painful and awkward at times, but you both need to know where the other stands BEFORE vowing to live you life with this other person. It sounds like the two of you both have a lot of talking and listening to do.

 

[latteda]

Yes, I think you should definitely sit down and talk about this before you get engaged. I'd also recommend making sure you are on the same page as far as:

- Finances - How money is spent, who will pay the bills, etc. Will you tithe?

- Gender roles - Will both or one of you work outside the home, and if so who? Who will be responsible for which chores around the house?

- Children - How many will you have? How soon? What are your thoughts on birth control? How will your children be educated?

- Sex - How does your sex drive compare with hers? What is her overall attitude regarding sex? How often does she believe she will want it? Which sexual acts does she find acceptable/desirable within marriage?

 

[gzt]

You really should talk about those things.

And, seriously, if you've agreed that you will eventually marry each other, you are engaged. That's what engagement is.

Anyway. You really should talk about these things. Disagreement is not bad, because nobody agrees about everything. Don't be afraid to disagree. In fact, a lot of your disagreements are going to be things that cannot ever be resolved. That's the way it is when you have two different people, no matter how compatible they are. You find ways to live with that. The key thing is to be respectful and open. For instance, try to make her understand why country music is so important to you and why the name Jackson (seriously?) is important to you. She may disagree, and you won't end up naming a child that, but at least you will understand each other.

 

[NotHardcore]

You need to resolve these issues before you propose. My boyfriend and I discussed baby names, sex, finances, etc before we even made our relationship official. It's really important to have an ongoing dialogue about that stuff.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Marriage is compromise. You both will learn this very quickly if you're thinking of getting engaged, though I have to wonder how long you two have been together if some of this stuff is just now surfacing.

A lot of what you mentioned is kind of... unimportant. My wife likes music that I don't, and I like music that she doesn't. Not a big deal, so why make it one? She doesn't fuss when I play it in the car if we're driving somewhere and I'm in the mood for it. If she's really not in the mood for it, I turn it off. It's really that simple and not worth arguing about.

Now there are other issues of much more importance that can and will cause strain on the relationship. Finances, spirituality, mentality, sexuality... things that play large roles in marriage. If you don't at least come to an understanding of each others stances on these topics, you're headed for a lot of trouble and a rocky relationship.

As for the lady demanding... yah, get use to that. It doesn't end. j/k

 

[Luther073082]

Honestly you should discuss just about everything. However Latteda is right that Finances, Gender Roles, Children and Sex are major things that you should discuss extensivly before you get married.

I think you should also discuss what church you will attend and how your students will be taught about the faith. Since the doctrinal issues of the AoG churchs and the baptist church are not that extensive this shouldn't be that much of a difficulty.

You probably also want to talk a bit about your future plans too.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

I think you should also discuss what church you will attend and how your students will be taught about the faith. Since the doctrinal issues of the AoG churchs and the baptist church are not that extensive this shouldn't be that much of a difficulty.

This is a big one. If the Baptist chooses to move to the AOG church, it's going to be a large shock with the differences.

 

[Luther073082]

This is a big one. If the Baptist chooses to move to the AOG church, it's going to be a large shock with the differences.

In worship style or doctrine. Or both?

My understanding is the AoG tends to emphasize tongues and prophsy far more then Baptist churchs. But I'm not sure they are vastly different in terms of doctrine.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Certainly worship style. I remember my first time going to an AOG church when I was a young teenager. Freaked. Me. Out.

Especially coming from a more conservative and liturgical church.

 

[Luther073082]

Certainly worship style. I remember my first time going to an AOG church when I was a young teenager. Freaked. Me. Out.

Especially coming from a more conservative and liturgical church.

Yes if you are in a liturgical church it will be quite different. But I'm not sure Baptist churchs are typically liturgical. (At least not what I would consider liturgical)

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Correct, but they are still much more conservative than AOG is.

 

[Avniel]

I am COGIC(pentecostal) and my girlfriend is baptist. I am in the exact same situation you are in, but I dont look at it like that.

My girlfriend doesn't listen to rap and I grew up off of it, she doesn't no anything about reggae and thats the only music I really know how to dance to. But I just know its something her spirit cant take, it rubs her the wrong way. That doesn't mean I'm not going to listen to what I want to listen to, it just means when we're in the car I'm not going to play it. I have to respect her ears and her being comfortable to is more important then Popcaan new diss to black ryno or beanie sigel destroyin a 16. If I had a choice between never being able to listen to rap/reggae or her I would burn every cd.

As far as the name goes why argue or get mad over things that don't matter right...(now dont get me wrong talk to her about money, what yall expect from each other, children and sex.....but dont get mad over children's name that are not even thought of yet.

When my girlfriend came and visited me at my home she was telling me what to wear. she was telling me no dont wear that change this.....because its a self of ownership she feels for you. When she says all those selfish things its probably her being exicited abbout the future.........But ask her if she plans to submit to you?

 

[Luther073082]

When my girlfriend came and visited me at my home she was telling me what to wear. she was telling me no dont wear that change this.....because its a self of ownership she feels for you. When she says all those selfish things its probably her being exicited abbout the future.........But ask her if she plans to submit to you?

I would be careful with this girl. People who tend to be verbally abusive often start off by trying to micromanage you and telling you what to wear.

I'm not saying that she necessarily is going to be verbally abusive, but its just a warning sign that you should take note of.

Also the "self ownership" thing makes me a little concerned.

Your girlfriend sounds like she might be a bit on the controlling side. You don't want to marry someone that is controling.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

I would definitely suggest you talk with your girlfriend about these things before you officially get engaged.

 

[Avniel]

I would be careful with this girl. People who tend to be verbally abusive often start off by trying to micromanage you and telling you what to wear.

I'm not saying that she necessarily is going to be verbally abusive, but its just a warning sign that you should take note of.

Also the "self ownership" thing makes me a little concerned.

Your girlfriend sounds like she might be a bit on the controlling side. You don't want to marry someone that is controling.

Honestly I dont really trip about someone telling me what to wear, it doesn't bother me. I'm color blind so it helps me and I tend to dress more like you know sagging pants( i dont do the tight jeans more so fitted in the baggy era i wore like 36-38 no i wear 34), chains, prada shoes. But Im too old to dress like that she dress more so business attire. You know khakis, polo, and a nice pair of shoes, I am going to be going to law school so I got to grow up sometime. Plus if she wanna go out.......pick out my clothes.............and put together what Imma wear for the day................I really wouldnt mind(clothes isnt that important to me shopping is a waste of time, im color blind so matching sometimes takes long, and all that picking out clothes is annoying).


She has an all natural hair style, she used to have a perm....I told her I wanted to see her hair natural and she did it. I wanted a tat she wanted a tat(we saw other christian with it even though I always thought it wasnt right but wasnt positive since other people say different things about it) but I didnt want her to get a tat so she didn't get one..............I didnt get one either after researching into tats.


It kinda is controlling but its kinda like doing something to make the other person happy. I mean this girl changed her hair style because I asked her to, if she doesn't like a shirt and I'm going out with her what's it gonna hurt me to change it?

As far as ownership I feel like people are to individualized in the western culture. I mean marriage is no joke till death do us part, being one, there is some degree of ownership in a family particularly between husband and wife.

As far as being controlling I think today's problem is men care about the wrong things and wont give women anything. I mean ok you wanna pick out my clothes, ok you can have that. Um you like that house more then that other house and both are in our price range, ok you can have that. You dont like rap you only listen to gospel, ok i want listen to it around you(im not saying im never gonna listen to or im not gonna sneak and listen to it in her presence cause she dont like it), oh you dont like my homeboy and his girlfriend spending spring break at my apartment and your not there(not like he's family and his girlfriend is crazy) ok you can have that.

I think men know a days care to much about things that dont matter. Give a woman the things that she wants that dont matter and somethings that do matter(as long as you can see right in it). Then on big issues she's going to listen to you and its not going to be a struggle.

And sometimes just let them talk. She's going to walk in a room and see a kung fu movie(her anti-violence in all forms self) and say "Oh I dont even know why you watch this trash" I told I dont know why it is pretty violent and sometimes the acting is so bad...And then she said my movie next....what did I loose nothing but watch what I gained.......

I was robbed in my apartment and i told her when we get married I want to have a gun in our house....She(anti violence) said no she doesnt like guns, I told her basically there is no reason to argue because its going to happen. She told me ok, just keep it somewhere no one can see it.

 

[Luther073082]

There is a difference between suggesting what you should wear and telling you what to wear.

While you could argue the ownership thing with marriage. (Although I don't think ownership is a good term to use) you can't really use it prior to marriage.

The other thing is that you don't want to be with a micro-manager. If she's suggesting things for certain events or things you are going to, thats one thing. But if she's trying to micro-manage how you are dressing then that is another.

 

[Bootstrap]

Marriage is compromise. You both will learn this very quickly if you're thinking of getting engaged, though I have to wonder how long you two have been together if some of this stuff is just now surfacing.

A lot of what you mentioned is kind of... unimportant. My wife likes music that I don't, and I like music that she doesn't. Not a big deal, so why make it one? She doesn't fuss when I play it in the car if we're driving somewhere and I'm in the mood for it. If she's really not in the mood for it, I turn it off. It's really that simple and not worth arguing about.

I agree. And in both cases, he seems to want to give her one choice - he wants the name "Jackson", he wants to listen to country music. There are many names, and many kinds of music to listen to, when you get married you don't get to make all the choices.

If you want her to talk in an open-ended way, start by asking what names she likes, what kind of music she likes, how she feels about listening to country music, etc. If you tell her "I want to name our first kid Jackson", and she doesn't like the name, of course she will tell you that. If you have a kid together, you'll have to find a name you both like. It might not be "Jackson".

Now there are other issues of much more importance that can and will cause strain on the relationship. Finances, spirituality, mentality, sexuality... things that play large roles in marriage. If you don't at least come to an understanding of each others stances on these topics, you're headed for a lot of trouble and a rocky relationship.

Some of these things are hard to compromise on. If you disagree on sexual morality, or whether to tithe, or whether to enlist in the army, you may be disagreeing on matters of principle. And you want to know that before you get married.

 

[ParentofChildren]

Spend time learning from; friends & family, reading & thinking, and in counseling. What do friends do well, and not so well, and why? What were their most challenging transitions. Read good books from different authors. Take notes, and give thought. Woman are from Venus, men are from Mars by John Grey was pretty good. Focus on the Family & Family life are also excellent. Family Life, weekend to remember, is awesome. This was the best $100 of my life. I still review the marterials 12 years later. Talk, share, and listen. Accept you will become intimately aware of your loved ones strengths and weaknessess. Marraige is not for the weak. Q says it so well...

Picard - "I understand what you've done here, Q, but I think the lesson could've been learned without the loss of 18 members of my crew."

Q - "If you can't take a little bloody nose, maybe you ought to go back home and crawl under your bed. It's not safe out here. It's wondrous, with treasures to satiate desires, both subtle and gross. But it's not for the timid."
- Q and Picard "Q Who"

 

[SweetSadie]

I would ask someone you trust, who has been married for a while. Those are the people who always put my engagement issues into perspective. It's hard to talk about personal things like hopes for your future children without becoming completely invested in your side. That can lead to you be offensive or defensive. You don't need to be fighting, just talking.

I really hope you can solve these problems easily and that your relationship is strong enough to get through any obstacles you might encounter.