Support for Joyful11

[dayknee]

<tears>

If only my husband had even cared enough, before it was too late, to see how his addictive behavior hurt me..
im so happy joyfull that God is working in your life..
Im hopefull that in your situation and having a christian husband, that you can overcome..
I do believe that my husband could always become saved..I just dont believe that I could wait around for that to happen either..
Joyfull, i hope you find peace and happiness again..and that your marriage is restored to the better..
gahhh..i hate feeling sorry for myself..
I sit here typing this..and tears are running down my face..wondering always, why i was never good enough to work hard for in this marriage..somedays I wish I could write a post so that you guys knew all the things that have hurt me over the last 10 months..things he's said to women on the internet thru a game he plays called Warcraft, the inappropriate behavior with animals sites hes been to, the lying, the illegal business things..i have so much pain in my heart and so much hurt and aching..Some days...I get a little peace..and some days..like today..its so overwhelming..waking up..alone..thoughts going a mile a minute..its trying..
My councelor says that I have choices and to not let myself feel backed in a corner..and i feel somedays I m ready to exersice those choices..then other days i think..what am I doing..I often wonder if this is what a woman goes through in a abusive situation? idk

Oh wow..sorry to rant on and on..this was suppose to be for you joyfull..me telling you how happy i am for you..God bless you sister

 

[joyful11]

dayknee,
Every situation and marriage is different. Don't beat yourself up for what you could've done differently. My husband and I have always been very close and so in love so my heart knew that this was something I should fight hard for. You did what you thought was right for your situation.

Things are going well. M has been off work all week. We've spent all our time together. I was very skeptical at first and fighting lies constantly about whether he was tricking me, trying to contact the other girl, and things like that. He is working hard to build trust with me and we still talk whenever I'm feeling upset. The messages from the other girl have stopped, but we still will probably change his cell number. Different issues crop up at different times. Last night I was overwhelmed with grief over M sleeping with someone else (we were both virgins before marriage), wondering how he sees our sex life and wondering if he wants something different. We talked it through though. I'm sure this whole thing will be a long process. M is reading "Waking the Dead" which I bought for him after hearing recommendations from some of you. We are planning our summer in Idaho (by faith), not knowing until Monday what M's job situation will be, but trusting that it's the right move. Just wanted to update.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Joyful11,
I am so happy that M is working for your marriage. I am also relieved because you can finally get some of that direction you were looking for. I will still be praying for you because the enemy will likely hit you both even harder now that M is fighting so hard. I read in a book the other day about a woman on a plane where the guy next to her was not eating his meal, so she asked him why he wasn't eating. He said he was praying and fasting. She asked if he was a christian, and he said that he was a satanist. He said that he and others were required to fast and pray for the downfall of the marriages of prominent christian leaders. Make no mistake, when a husband and wife are united with God against the enemy, they are very powerful, and the enemy will throw all he has got at it to try to destroy it. I am not telling you this to make you worry. On the contrary, I am telling you this so you will understand the power that you really have in Christ, especially as a united front. Remember the passage about when two or three are gathered..... Think of the implications of this for a united marriage. I am so happy for you two, and I will be praying for you offensively this time!

 

[cory533]

I personally lean on the scripture about the rope of three strands in not easily broken. I see my marriage as a three party contract, my wife, my self, and God. Makes it harder to bail when only one party has broken the agreement.

 

[dayknee]

Just checking in to make sure everyone is ok..
Joyfull, I hope things are still on the upward climb..Ive been thinking about you..
Canuk i hope work is going well for you..
TP and Romans..thank you guys for just being there and praying for me..

I have a question..why am i so afraid to file?
I cant figure it out..I am miserable..maybe I wont be afraid when its right..idk..just curious if anyone had any thoughts about it..I am ready...to move on in my life..so ready..just so afraid of what he might do when he finds out..
anyways..I was at church yesterday and I was so excited to see they are starting a class next week called "5 relationship/marriage killers"
its an 11 week class and Im going to go..i asked the assistant pastor if it was ok that i went alone..he said yes but why alone..I said im seperated..he paused and I thought oh nooo..hten he said..well you will fit right in then..haha..he said they have a few seperated people in there along with singles and new relationship people..so
I hope htis will teach me something..we'll see
Well I was just checking in..take care you guys

 

[Canuk]

J - very encouraging news. I've said it before, but I see M's willingness to walk away from work as a huge step, and a huge answer to prayer.

R8 - great point about spiritual warfare...on an encouraging note, Waking the Dead, (and just about every other one of Eldredge's books) has spiritual warfare as one of their major focuses. I think it's a very appropriate book for him to be reading right now.

 

[Canuk]

dayknee - thanks for asking & remembering. Things are well...ever so slightly up in the air right now, but that's a good thing.

When I am afraid to do things it's either because it's the wrong thing to do, or it's the right thing to do (not much help, am I?) If it were the wrong thing to do, I think that you would know it in your heart. You also know if it's the right thing to do, but sometimes it takes more courage and conviction to do what you have to do rather than what you want to do. I'll be praying.

 

[joyful11]

M is meeting with his boss at 4pm pacific time to confess and discuss his job situation. Please pray if you can. Thanks.

 

[dayknee]

dayknee - thanks for asking & remembering. Things are well...ever so slightly up in the air right now, but that's a good thing.

When I am afraid to do things it's either because it's the wrong thing to do, or it's the right thing to do (not much help, am I?) If it were the wrong thing to do, I think that you would know it in your heart. You also know if it's the right thing to do, but sometimes it takes more courage and conviction to do what you have to do rather than what you want to do. I'll be praying.

<giggles> I had to laugh..you saying your not much help..ha..your a tremendous help to me..and I greatly appreciate you..
I often wondered is my decesion the right or wrong thing to do..I totaly understand what your saying about knowing if its right or wrong.
I have a REALLY hard time with it..honestly, I sit an wait on the lord becuase I dont have a definitive answer atm..I wake up some days saying..this is the rigth thing to do..the kids suffer with the arguing and just all the stuff that comes with this seperation..I think about all the things that have happened and some that continue to still happen and then I feel clear on it being the right thing..
then the other hand is..its not the right thing because God hates divorce..and my kids may suffer long term effects..and I'll tell you , my husband makes sure I know that too..I do feel manipulated at every turn..
today i tried to talk to him about his son, about how our son says things like "you kicked my daddy out" "when can he come home now"? you know..Im at it alone here and I explain as best as I can to my son without detail..
so I asked my husband to also talk to him today and let him know why things are this way..like maybe..dad has some things he has to deal with right now or its no ones fault that we are seperated ..idk..just something..i asked if he could just comfort his son and tell him no matter what, that he is always here for him..well my husband got upset and pretty much turned it around and said "so thats it dayknee, your going to divorce me?"
I said this isnt about US its about OUR kids..OUR son..could you please help me out here and just talk to him.comfort him..help me deal with our kids in this situation..<sighs> he said "yeh but I dont know what you want me to say to him"
im like..gah..you know..then I feel pressured to just bring him home so the kids would be happy..and not have any actual change in our life..I know he doesnt think there are problems and htat the inappropriate content and hte lying and hte illegal things can and should all be over looked becuase he does it all for his family..
on those days, when those types of conversations come up i feel like..yup..im done..i just cant get through to him..
anyways..sorry to ramble
thank you for taking the time to respond..

 

[tp65]

dayknee, just checking....you are legally seperated right? If not, that would be my suggestion, then if God gives you complete peace over divorce then to file at that time. I would wait though until peace was there.

J, I have prayed and will continue in prayer.

LORD, give M the courage to speak honestly to his boss, to confess the affair, and to boldly ask for a less-traditional work arrangement. Father, please give his boss compassion for the situation, forgiveness toward M and mercy for M and his family. Help his boss to be open to a less traditional arrangement, not wanting to lose the talents and abilities M brings to the work place. Finally, give M and Joyful11 peace in their marriage and patience in working on their relationship. Help them not to rush the healing, encourage them to help one another and to be faithful and forgiving. Amen

 

[dayknee]

dayknee, just checking....you are legally seperated right? If not, that would be my suggestion, then if God gives you complete peace over divorce then to file at that time. I would wait though until peace was there.

J, I have prayed and will continue in prayer.

LORD, give M the courage to speak honestly to his boss, to confess the affair, and to boldly ask for a less-traditional work arrangement. Father, please give his boss compassion for the situation, forgiveness toward M and mercy for M and his family. Help his boss to be open to a less traditional arrangement, not wanting to lose the talents and abilities M brings to the work place. Finally, give M and Joyful11 peace in their marriage and patience in working on their relationship. Help them not to rush the healing, encourage them to help one another and to be faithful and forgiving. Amen

we are not legally seperated. I did see a divorce attorney though and becuase of how my husband gets paid all cash under the table except about 658 in the form of a check every two weeks, he advised against the legal seperation..the reason being is that the courts would ONLY look at the check he gets directly deposited into is account that states he only makes 658. every two weeks and thats what they would base child support and alimony from..<sighs> and this is why Ive told him time and time again to get it together and get all his pay in the form of a check..to become legally seperated I would only recieve maybe 1/3 of that 658. and i would have to hope he would continue supplimenting the rest..does that make sense? I would have filed legal seperation already if it werent for that fact..<tears> Im very scared to go that step further..and its mostly becuase of what he could do to us if he wanted..Im not in anyway saying he would..but that fear is still there, knowing htat he wouldnt HAVE to give me anymore than what is accoutned for legally..and for me or him to say he does indeed make more..he would put him/us in the situation to have to pay back 15 years of back taxes and could possibly stand for even jail time..idk..Im pretty stuck..and fearfull..I just dont know where the Lord is leading me/us/kids..i just have no clue..so i go day by day with this tightness around my chest and this knot in my gut..and always reading Gods word or a book to help me figure it out..
Counceling helps..alot actually, but getting to that point where you can say "im going to be ok no matter what" is a tougher road than i ever thought

 

[tp65]

Okay, I get it now. I thought you shouldn't divorce bc of that situation but I thought you were legally seperated. How are you protected if you are not legally seperated, from the legal issues I mean?

 

[dayknee]

Okay, I get it now. I thought you shouldn't divorce bc of that situation but I thought you were legally seperated. How are you protected if you are not legally seperated, from the legal issues I mean?

Well, he said I shouldnt divorce either for that same reason..but being that we are just seperated and not legally, his(the lawyer) thing is that my husband is still paying for the house and bills and etc..if I were to file for legal seperation or divorce I would be in a different boat altogether..Not so say he wouldnt pay for all of it as he's doing now..but right now he does it with the intention of getting back together..and that could all change if he were to realize that I want to file..Now he does know I do based on a past conversation, howerver, he seems to have put it behind him and doesnt really want to look at the seriousness of it..
But anyway, the whole financial situation for me to sustain a home, food, clothes, bills paid is all ALL dependent on him..and if he wanted to he could just let the judge decide how much I'll get based on the only evidence of any monies that he makes, which is the 658. every two weeks..I would hope that he would always continue to take care of the kids...meaning the roof we live under and food and clothes..I do NOT in anyway mind getting a job to supplement, but I couldnt make enough to keep the kids and i afloat..and this is why I stay..<tears> <is ashamed by it>
I did enroll to take online classes at the university of phoenix to earn my B.A. in the next 3 years..so that Im able to support myself and my kids..but..I honestly dont think I can wait that long to file either..he kind of has me backed into a corner and Im pretty scared at the outcome..what I see is..its either bring him back home and go on living this way at least till I earn my B.A. (btw somehting his is totaly against..the whole schooling thing) or I just..get out now and just pray that the Lord just..<tears> takes care of us and that there is a door open with a way

Oh and, how am I protected..well..Im not..not in any way from the legal issues..not if his boss wanted to file a civil suit against my husband for back monies that my husband embezzled..and if he ever got caught tax evading, i would be introuble too...now If i divorce now, like file then that could show that that could be one of the reasons for the divorce..and that I am trying to get out of this bad situation...but In doing that, i might just be destitute too..
idk..all i know is..im scared..he promises me nothing bad will happen and that he is going to stop doing all that stuff..but he has yet..in the 4 months of seperation, asked his boss to pay him all of his pay in check only..he still hasnt asked..and he has still embezzled at least ONE time that I know of from him in the last 4 months..

 

[joyful11]

M talked to his boss. She already knew what was going on. She was very accomodating. He will be working at home for the next two weeks and then taking a different position for the rest of the summer. It is a pay cut, but we should be ok. He also has the opportunity to do another job for the same company but at a different location in October so that is our hope. Thanks for praying.

 

[Canuk]

M talked to his boss. She already knew what was going on. She was very accomodating. He will be working at home for the next two weeks and then taking a different position for the rest of the summer. It is a pay cut, but we should be ok. He also has the opportunity to do another job for the same company but at a different location in October so that is our hope. Thanks for praying.

That is great news J.

How do you feel about everything?

Has M sat down and put together a recovery plan? If not, I'd highly suggest he do that, and I'd encourage you to be a part of putting the plan together, and going through the plan on a fairly regular basis. Both my wife and I found that exercise to be very helpful.

 

[joyful11]

I feel good. I'm having ups and downs which I'm sure is normal, but things are going good for the most part.

He hasn't put a recovery plan together. Can I ask what that looks like? What kinds of things?

 

[Canuk]

I feel good. I'm having ups and downs which I'm sure is normal, but things are going good for the most part.

He hasn't put a recovery plan together. Can I ask what that looks like? What kinds of things?

It's basically the contract that my wife and I put together, and we talked about on the other thread, a long time ago. It covers things like counseling, accountability relationships, the group I attend, sets specific boundaries around my actions etc.

The way that we saw it is that we both knew where we wanted to end up, but if you don't have a road map to follow, how are you going to end up there. Know what I am saying?

 

[tp65]

J, that is very good news. (sorry I assumed his boss was a "he", you know what assuming does!!)

The recovery plan sounds like a very good idea. Now would be the time to suggest it since M seems open to try anything.


dayknee, it just sounds to me like you need some legal protection against his illegal actions. Aren't there agencies that help women get on their feet if they are not given ample support from their husbands? I know that legally seperating means he might stop supporting you but with his past, I don't think you are guaranteed anything by staying with him either. Just something to think about. T

 

[cory533]

Joyful that is wonderful news. At my church I am just getting into an accountability group. I don't know if you have this available for m but essentially we will meet weekly talk pray and ask questions about our behavior for the week. It's two or three men and the format is designed to make a way to be accountable to someone not directly affected by our behavior.

Dayknee he doesn't have you in a bad place you have him but only if you act before something hits the fan.
right now if you act to protect yourself and your family he needs to play ball. If you dispute the finding for alimony and support he is in trouble. If you have initiated action you may be able to protect yourself from his legal mess. Ultimately trust God to feed your family do what you can and it will work out either way you have rough times ahead better you get as far clear of his mess as possible first. You can't be party to hubby's cheating/ stealing without it interfering with your relationship with God. If he gets caught you could both do time if you don't take steps now. Just my opinion and I'm no attorney but pray about it and you might want to ask for a second legal opinion , preferably from a Christian attorney so he would understand why you would want to do the right thing not the easy thing.

 

[tp65]

Cory, love the fact that your church is stepping out with accountability groups. Hope more will follow.

dayknee, I agree with everything cory said. Think of how much worse off your children will be if both parents get into legal trouble bc of what dad has been doing. You cannot control what he is doing but you can control your part in it. Get away from it. He has the money to support you, if he chooses not to then it just adds water to why you needed to leave anyway.